Category Archives: Faux Report

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Faux Report

BREAKING: President Donald Trump Has Made a Major Announcement – ‘It’s Time To Quit!’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In a shocking, unprecedented move, President Trump has made an announcement from the White House early this morning that had rattled the entire nation.

“It’s time that I quit tweeting,” said President Trump to a room of Associated Press reporters. “Throughout 2017, it has been a source of continued embarrassment for me, as I try and say and do what any one of you would on your own accounts – I just wanted to speak my mind. Unfortunately, the Fake News outlets like CNN have used my tweets time and time again to twist my words and try and make me look bad. Well no more.”

Trump stated that his official account would continue to run, but that it would announce only breaking political and world news, and it would be completely run by staff members.

“I’m giving them the passwords, advising them to change them all, and I will no longer have access to my Twitter accounts,” said Trump. “It’s my 2018 new year’s resolution, and I will stick by it.”

In the meantime, Trump has taken to other social media websites and  set up accounts, including on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and Grindr.

“I had no idea what that last one was, but it seemed like it could be a good time,” said Trump.

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Faux Report

New Husband Files For Divorce After Discovering His ‘Wife’ Is Actually a Man

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BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A man has filed for divorce only hours into his own wedding night after panicking after discovering that his new wife was not exactly what “she” claimed to be.

Ken Spencer, 26, filed for a divorce with Tiana Smith, 28, only four hours into their wedding night, after discovering his partner had a penis.

The newlyweds, who are both devout Catholics, and had waited until marriage to partake in any sexual relationship, were about to consummate their vows, when Spencer discovered things were not “as they should be.”

“It’s short, stumpy and crooked. It leans on the right at a 45-degree angle, then curves back to the left. It’s definitely the grossest thing I’ve ever seen,” he explained. “I thought that Tiana was a woman. She…he…whatever. There was no mention that he was a man.”

Divorce attorney Kevin Goldstein claims that his client was lied to about the sex of his partner, who had never told him that he was born a man, and still had a penis.

Spencer is also suing his former partner for $30,000, which is what he estimated was spent in wedding costs, plus a canceled $5,000 honeymoon trip to Hawaii.

 

“Tiana had sent me pics of her boobs and even a couple down-the-pants shots, and I still have them on my phone,” said Spencer. “She was definitely trying to deceive me. It was either someone else’s vagina, or she tucked it back. Either way, I’m sick just thinking about it. I’ll show them to the  judge, and he’ll agree with me.”In many states, the fraudulent conduct of one spouse may provide grounds for divorce. The definition of fraud in the context of divorce law equates to one spouse “grossly misrepresenting issues so important that the other spouse would not have married him had she known the truth.”

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Faux Report

Nearly 1,000 People Have Gone Missing After Last Weekend’s Mysterious ‘Flying Object’ Seen Throughout East Coast

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CONCORD, New Hampshire

On Saturday evening at approximately 6 p.m., a mysterious light took over the skies in major US cities across the East Coast. People in New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Rhode Island and even parts of New York reported seeing a blue or green object streaking through the sky. Social media went crazy as well as news stations as people tried to figure out what was happening.

NASA reported on Twitter that the sighting was a result of a U.S. Navy test: “Light seen in OC sky was confirmed through John Wayne Airport tower to be a Naval test fire off the coast. No further details.”

On Sunday, police in several Eastern states had received nearly 845 missing persons reports of people who have just “disappeared.” 95% of the missing people reported by Sunday evening were women between the ages of 18 – 23. Police are saying they cannot confirm that the incident on Saturday evening has any connection to the missing persons reported.

“What happened on Saturday evening in California has nothing to do with the amount of people that have gone missing since then,” said Detective Ron Alvarez of the New Hampshire Missing Persons Bureau. “It was a missile that everyone saw on Saturday and that is that. It has been confirmed by the Federal Aviation Administration as a missile, and people need to leave it just as that. In the meantime, we are doing everything we can to find the people that are missing.”

Conspiracy theorists are not convinced by the government’s explanation of the enigmatic light after photos surfaced of strange, unknown creatures found dead in fields Western Maine. These theorists say that as quickly as these photos appear on Facebook, they are taken down.

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Faux Report

Trump Begins Waging Battle Against The ‘War on New Year’s Eve’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Now that President Trump has successfully won the War on Christmas, he is setting his sights on another age-old advisory: The War on New Year’s Eve.

“It’s despicable that there are so many people wishing each other a ‘Happy New Year,’ when they have no idea if I believe that next year is going to be better than this one,” said President Trump. “Liberals like to push their agenda, they want you to have a happy 2018. Well that’s not right, that’s not going to work for everyone. 2017 was a big year. The biggest year. I’m not saying 2018 can’t be a big year, but we can’t just go out assuming it’s going to be great, it’s going to be happy.”

Trump said that he has begun wishing people a “decent New Year” or an “Okay New Year,” and on at least one occasion, a “shitty New year.”

“I have no reason to wish that specific person a Happy New Year, and I don’t particularly want them to have a Happy 2018,” said Trump, not mentioning the person by name. “Frankly, though, this entire happy nonsense has got to stop. I’m officially declaring it dead, and killing this war on New Year’s. 

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Faux Report

New England Set To Be Hit By Three Massive, Back-To-Back Nor’Easters; More Than 10 Feet of Snow Expected

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

New Englanders, get ready. Although the snow and extremely cold temperatures have come quick this year, things are about to take a turn.

According to NOAA, a series of extreme winter storms are brewing off the coast, with all of them expected to hit most of New England by the middle of next week. The storms, dubbed “nor’easters” because of the direction they travel, will bring over ten feet of wet, packed snow between Tuesday and Thursday.

“I don’t want to go on record and say this is unprecedented, but it’s pretty close,” said NOAA weather researcher Mark Henry. “To get that much snow in such a small window of time is going to be hell for many people. Plus, because of the type of snow, we can expect massive and long-lasting power outages. It will be heavy and wet and packed, and downed trees and power lines will be almost a guarantee. This is absolutely the worst storm I’ve ever seen brewing in over 35 years as a weather researcher.”

Maine, New Hampshire, and Massachusetts are already calling for a state of emergency, and plow crews from nearby states and Canada are already being prepared to help with the storm.

“This is going to be the Big One,” said Henry. “Everyone get that bread and milk from the store – you’re going to need it.”

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Faux Report

Man In Alabama Uses Legal Loophole To Marry Baby

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DECATUR, Alabama – 

A Decatur man, 47-year-old Mark Perry, has found a legal loophole in Alabama law that will allow him to marry a 19-month-old baby. Perry, a lawyer for more than 20 years, said he discovered the loophole by accident almost a decade ago, but never thought that he, himself, would need it.

“It wasn’t until I met Charlene that I knew, we had to be together,” said Perry. “She’s absolutely the one for me, and there’s no one I’d rather spend the rest of my life with.”

 

The law in Alabama stipulates that a man must be of legal, consenting age to agree to marry, but the poor wording means that a woman could enter into marriage at any age. Because Charlene cannot sign her own name, though, her father will have to give consent and sign for her. Thankfully for Perry, Charlene is the daughter of his law partner, Craig Lewis. Lewis says that he is absolutely “overjoyed” at the thought of his long-time friend marrying his daughter.

“Frankly, I wish that they would have found each other sooner,” said Lewis. “I’ve never seen Charlene so happy before in all of her life. Most of the time, she cries and whines, but not when she’s with Mark. He’s the only one who can calm her down. It’s really amazing, their love is so pure and true.”

The couple are planning a spring wedding.

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Faux Report

Donald Trump Signs Bill Reversing Gay Marriage, Mainstream Media Completely Silent

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In an unplanned and quietly announced session at the White House on Friday, President Trump signed a bill reversing the gay marriage laws, and revoking the right for homosexuals to get married. The bill was signed only a short 20 minutes after Trump’s tax plan was made official.

“As a Christian, and as someone who wants America to be great again – as great as possible – I cannot, in good conscience, allow for gays to get married in this country,” said President Trump. “They will have to settle for just being boyfriends or girlfriends. That’s really all they need, anyway.”

The decision to reverse the law, which of course was created under Obama, comes as no surprise to Trump supporters, even the gay ones.

“I voted for him so, I mean, I guess that’s what I’m going to get, you know?” Said Marcus Crumb, a gay man in New York City. “I don’t know why I even marked his name off on the sheet. I could have chosen Jill Stein, you know? But she just has like, no style at all, and Trump wears just the most fabulous suits. I’ll take looking at Trump over getting married any day. No one says I can’t still like pumping a guy in the ass, right? I don’t need a piece of paper just ’cause I’m in love.”

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Faux Report

New Study Shows High Percentage of Mall Santas Are Psychotic; Many Believe They Are Actually Santa

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

A new study performed on over 500 mall Santas across the country has a startling result – almost 80% of the people who let your children sit on their lap and take their Christmas wishes are actually, literally psychotic.

“First of all, I just want to say that this should come as no surprise to anyone,” said Mark Richards, a political science major at the University of Atlanta, who headed the study. “Anyone who actively wants to sit in a mall for 30 days, letting little brats sit on their lap and get their kid germs all over everything is either psychotic or a pedophile. Coincidentally, we have very few actual pedophiles in the study. Unfortunately, we have found many of them are actual psychotics.”

Most of the Santas actually and truly believed themselves to be the real St. Nick, which Richards said he found to be rather odd.

“I know that the number seems disproportionate to how many we tested, but it’s true, that’s the conclusion we came to,” said Richards. “I believe the testing was done accurately and without prejudice.”

Richards says the test was performed on the day following Thanksgiving. He had a team of people who traveled to 500 malls in 3 states. There, they would approach the mall Santa and wait in the line with the kids. Once it was their turn, they would ask the “Santas”  for their real name and occupation.

“Only a small number said anything other than ‘Santa,'” said Richards. “I can’t believe how many psychos we have working as Mall Santas.”

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Faux Report

Trump’s Secret Addiction EXPOSED! How The President Has Gone BANKRUPT Over Secret Purchases

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump has made a big deal about not showing his taxes, trying desperately to hide his actual income and net worth from the public. The reason why, many have speculated, is that he not only has cheated on his taxes, but that the forms would reveal how little he actually has in income. As it turns out, that is partially correct.

Although Trump has made a fortune selling his name and branding buildings, it was also recently discovered that the world’s most powerful leader is completely and totally flat broke.

“The President has a rather extreme, but somewhat relatable addiction to buying and collecting movies,” said a source from inside the White House. “I know that seems kind of bizarre, but Trump is like a big man-child, and his love of movies is vast. He has dedicated an entire wing of the White House to his DVD and Blu-ray collection. He has approximately 89,000 movies. It’s a full time job for a team of 3 people to organize and alphabetize his collection.”

According to the source, Trump spends nearly $30 million a year on his movie collection, and lately that number has increased, as he spends more and more on high-priced, out of print collectible copies, and on newer and more expensive titles, such as those that are being released in 4K high definition. For someone who was reportedly worth billions only a decade ago, the collection has slowly killed his net worth.

“The President has a problem, and it’s coming to a point where someone needs to have an intervention with him, but no one knows how,” said the source. “He’s out of control. On Black Friday, where sales are at their best, he went out and bought almost 100 new movies in one day. Then, just because that kick-started the buying bug, he ordered another 270 movies on Cyber Monday. The guy has a problem, and it’s killing us all.”

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New ‘Super Bacteria’ Strain Has Caused Over 600 Deaths This Month – You Need to STOP Washing Your Hands in Public Restrooms

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

We’ve all heard before how over-washing or over sanitizing your hands can be bad, because it can cause bacteria and germs to mutate, and become harder to kill. Well, it turns out that wasn’t just another old wive’s tale.

Researchers at Harvard Medical College in Boston have discovered a new strain of “super bacteria” that has already claimed the lives of over 600 people, all because those people had a weakened immune system from over-washing and over sanitizing their hands.

“We tested 480 of the 600 people assumed to have died from this ‘super microbial bacteria,'” said research head Dr. Charles Marvin. “All of the tested subjects proved positive for this new strain. With this much strong evidence, we can conclude that over 600 people have died from this new bug. At this time, we don’t believe there would be a way to vaccinate from, or cure this disease.”

Dr. Marvin is recommending that people stop washing their hands with soap or sanitizing when in public buildings and restrooms.

“Unless you’ve straight pooped on your hands, then don’t worry about washing, it’s really not that big of a deal,” said Dr. Marvin. “And even then, consider maybe just wiping off the poop with a towel if that does happen, for some reason.”

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Faux Report

Man Arrested For Peeping Into Third Story Apartment Window To Watch Couple Have Sex

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Police in Boston arrested Martin Landon Jr., 33, after he was caught peeking into the third story window of an apartment building, reportedly watching a couple have sex, while he masturbated.

The authorities were called after the couple happened to look out their window and see Landon staring in at them.

“My first thought was ‘Oh my God, someone is staring at us!” said Joanne Lavey. “I thought it was my husband at first, and I was finally caught in the act. But it wasn’t, obviously. My second thought was, ‘How the hell is someone peeking at us? We’re on the third floor! By now my lover had also seen him, so the party was over, of course. He went limp immediately.'”

When police arrived, they found Landon with his pants around his ankles and his penis in his hand. They also happened to notice that the man had an overly long neck, and was only standing on a couple of discarded boxes in order to see in the third story window.

“Mr. Landon would be of average hight, possibly less, but because of his 3 foot tall neck, it really adds some height,” said police chief Richard Jameson. “In this situation, it caused a couple some massive distress. Frankly, I can’t blame them. If I were in the middle of a torrid affair, looking on my window and seeing Landon would be the last thing I’d want to happen.”

 

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Faux Report

Man Born With Two Penises Is Suing The Government So He Can Marry Two Women

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WATERTOWN, Connecticut – 

Jerry Newbury, 29, is currently trying to sue the state of Connecticut, saying that polygamous marriage should be made legal, at least in special cases like his.

“I was born with two penises, and therefore, I should  be allowed to marry two women,” said Newbury, a construction worker in Watertown. “I have never been sexually satisfied just having one woman, but this isn’t even just about the sex. This is also about love. I’ve met two beautiful, amazing women, and they both want to marry me. This is a quest for love!”

A lawyer for Newbury, Martin Preston III, Esq., argues that “the time for polygamy” has come.

“We have interracial marriage, we have gay marriage. I think it’s time that if a man wants to marry multiple women, he should be allowed,” state Preston. “This man is doing a brave service. Think of how hard it is having one, bitchy, nagging wife. Mr. Newbury wants to take on TWO! Imagine how painful this will be for him when their cycles inevitably match up? It will be torture.”

So far, the judge on the case has not made any formal ruling.

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Jewish Reporter Asks Trump If He Plans To Put Menorah In the White House; Trump Tells Him ‘F*** The Jews’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

After lavish Christmas decorations and beautiful, “snow” covered trees were unveiled in the White House, many reporters and photographers were taken aback, and caught up in a Christmas spirit that many say was missing from the White House over the last several years.

But one reporter, who happens to be Jewish, wasn’t as impressed. Silas Jones, 30, of the New York Beat Entertainment magazine was reporting on the White House Christmas unveiling, and asked President Trump if they planned to add a menorah to the White House decorations in a couple of weeks when Chanukah starts.

“Fuck the Jews, no way am I putting up a menorah,” said Trump. “Everyone knows that the Jews are a dirty, disgusting people. And plus, they killed Jesus, and I can’t even stomach the idea of putting Jewey things next to these beautiful Christmas trees that my wife spent hours working to get up. No, there won’t be any Jew stuff here in the White House.”

Although this is the kind of comment that would normally bring outrage from the Left and from civil liberties groups such as the ACLU, Trump’s comments like this come so often that no one was even that offended.

“Totally expected,” said Jones. “I honestly only asked to get a rise, and he gave exactly what I wanted. He’s such an assclown.”

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Healthcare Plans in Marketplace Set To Triple on January 1st

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

If you’re having a hard time affording your healthcare through the government’s Affordable Care Act marketplace now, then on January 1st, you might have to take out a second, or even a third, job to afford it.

According to reports, the marketplace healthcare costs are going to triple for most plans, with the average cost of a standard family plan hitting $2200 a week.

“These increased costs are happening, essentially, because of the freeloaders on government programs,” said Martin Long, director of the ACA Marketplace. “There’s a lot of people who think that they can get something for nothing, but that’s obviously not the case. Someone has to pay for it. And those people are, well, everyone else who actually does pay for their healthcare.”

The current pricing model already starts high for anyone who is offered healthcare through their employer.

“I can’t afford the healthcare offered through my work,” said Robert Thomas of New Hampshire. “It’s about $800 a month for my family at the cheapest option. That’s literally one of my paychecks, gone, each month. And I only get two checks! Because my work offers healthcare, even though I can’t afford it, I’m forced to get the gold level program through the ACA. And you know what that costs? Yup, about $800 a month. Frankly, it’s stupid.”

When told that the cost for his family’s insurance would be going from $800 a month to nearly $2100 for the same coverage, Thomas only had one thing to say.

“Thanks, Trump,” said Thomas.

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