Tag Archives: welfare

Faux Report

Michigan Welfare Changes Start in January – No More Soda, Chips, Candy, or Junk Food

michigan

DETROIT, Michigan – 

As of January 1st, major changes to the Michigan State Welfare Program will take effect, and the largest difference will be what people are allowed to buy with their food stamps.

According to changes in the welfare laws, Michigan residents will no longer be allowed to buy junk food, candy, soda, or anything the state has deemed to have “less than regular” nutritional value. The changes come after a study found that the number one purchase using food stamps were 2-liter bottles of Mountain Dew, followed closely by Doritos.

“The people of Michigan are fat, lazy, and useless. Most of them are living off the state as it is, and these welfare leeches need a drastic wakeup call,” said Michigan Senator Marc Collins. “These changes are for the good of the state. Health will improve, and people can stop draining our society and get back to work. They’re going to have to if they want Mountain Dew and potato chips.”

“This is some serious, extremely lame bullshit,” said welfare recipient Gary Gross. “I ain’t living off the welfare. I got a job. I work 11 hours a week, and that’s all they can give me. I bust my ass them 11 hours, too, but I need them food stamps to live. If I ain’t getting them, or ain’t able to buy soda and chips, then what’s the point of getting them? Am I supposed to buy steaks or something? Shit, you gotta cook those!”

Officially, the changes to the Welfare restrictions will take place January 14th, 2018, but state representatives are telling people to start buying healthier options as of January 1st.

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Faux Report

Mom on Welfare Sues School After Being Told Her Daughter Can Only Get ONE Free Lunch a Day

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BANGOR, Maine – 

Mary Lambert is suing her daughter’s school, Bangor High School in Bangor, Maine, after a cafeteria woman made her cry by explaining she could only have “one free lunch” a day.

Amanda Lambert, 16, gets free lunch at the school due to her mother’s income, but the rules stipulate that she can only have one free meal a day.

“It’s unheard of that Amanda should not be allowed to eat as much as she wants,” said Mary Lambert, 50. “She’s a growing girl, and she needs nutrients. I’m not able to afford good food at home, and the school should be letting her pig out while she’s there. They know I’m poor, that’s why she gets free lunch. Why are they stopping her from eating.”

The school says that it doesn’t matter who the student is, they are on a budget, and students only get one meal a day.

“I understand that Amanda is fat,” said Bangor principal Joyce Mellows. “Like, abnormally fat for a 16-year-old. Perhaps she should be going outside for a walk at lunch, instead of trying to feed her fatty fat fat fat face with extra lunches. Other kids want to eat, too.”

Lambert brought a suit against the school alleging discrimination for not allowing Amanda to eat as much food as she wanted, stating it was because Amanda’s family was “too poor” to afford food that they were being denied food all together.

A lawyer for the school said the case is “stupid,” and something that “only a truly fat individual” could ever come up with.

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Faux Report

Charlotte Mayor Says That Rioters, Looters Will Lose All Welfare and Food Stamp Benefits For Life

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina – 

According to reports from The Baltimore Gazette, anyone in Charlotte caught taking part in riots or looting will automatically lose their food stamp and welfare benefits for life.

“This is the only way that we can think to get people to calm down, take a breath, and stop stealing TVs,” said Charlotte Mayor George Higgins. “It’s only black people out there stealing, and it’s only black people that get welfare – well, you know, at least for the most part.”

Higgins went on to say that there have been several arrests made so far, all based around rioting and looting, and of the 20 or so people who have been taken in, 18 of them were on some form of welfare.

“Of course, the other 2 people who were arrested were not black,” said Higgins. “It’s astounding that the figures just work out so well.”

From The Baltimore Gazette:

According to multiple reports, city officials have announced new measures in an effort to curb the violence sweeping Charlotte since the shooting of Keith Lamont Scott. Any individuals caught rioting, looting, destroying property or otherwise reacting in a violent and unlawful manner will have their government benefits permanently revoked…

The announcement was made shortly after hundreds of national guardsmen and law enforcement officers took to the streets intent on restoring calm to the city. Whether or not the recent announcement had any impact on the chaos remains to be seen as the riots grind on into their tecond night. A curfew will be imposed and it is expected that citizens adhere to it or face steep consequences.

 

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Faux Report

Stores To Begin Requiring Fingerprint Scans Along With EBT Cards To Avoid Fraud

fingerprint

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to new regulations that will soon take effect, most stores throughout the country will begin taking fingerprint scans of welfare recipients who are buying groceries. This change is being made in all 50 states in hopes that the government can push back against welfare fraud.

“There are many scams that welfare recipients currently utilize to turn their government dollars into actual cash, which they then use to buy alcohol, junk food, and drugs,” said White House representative Mark Raymond. “A new one we recently discovered is that people are buying bottled items in bulk, such as cases of water, and then dumping the water, and redeeming the bottles for the cash. Those people are idiots. Still, though, the most common is to simply pass their card off to someone else, and allow them to shop for groceries in exchange for cash.”

It’s this latter issue that the government is most concerned about, because they say that only certain poor people should be able to eat on their dime, and not all poor people.

“It comes down to drugs. That’s what these miscreants are buying with their traded cash, and we don’t need more drug addicts on welfare,” said Raymond. “These new regulations will require that fingerprint scans be run, and they must match the identity of the person whose name is on the card. This will hopefully stop the fraudulent activities occurring.”

“Man, this shit won’t stop me. I need my 40s, and I need a bump every now and then, and the way I get it each month is by selling my stamps, fifty-cent on the dollar, and then my buddy uses my card to get his groceries for his family. Shit, I ain’t even got a family. He needs it more than me,” said Freddy Carson of New York. “So this be more of a pain in my ass, but now I’m just gonna have my buddy give me a list, and I’ll go shopping for him, then give him the stuff, and he’ll give me the cash. More time out my day, so I’m gonna have to go up to seventy-five cent on the dollar, but his family gonna still get their food, and I’m still gonna be able to smoke crack. Take that, Obama!”

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Mainers Demand Governor’s Impeachment; Lepage Says, ‘They’re Lazy and Retarded’

lepage

AUGUSTA, Maine –

“We want him kicked out of office!” A recent poll showed that 95% of Maine citizens think impeachment means to kick a politician out of office, while in actuality it means to charge with misconduct, treason, or crimes against the state.

Protester Ashely Poulot says, “He’s a douche. We should impeach him. It’s as simple as that.”

Governor Lepage says of that this movement is a result of the tougher welfare laws he helped put into place in Maine.

“Almost a third of the people in this state are on welfare. Guess what? They’re too lazy to work, and they’re certainly are not going to make an effort to get off the couch to vote or do anything!” claimed LePage. “Sure, there are a few loonies freezing their tail feathers off outside the capital, but in the words of the great Bernie Mac, ‘I ain’t scared.’ Those retards standing there protesting in 2 degree weather are the exception, not the rule.”

LePage is currently on the campaign trail in support of Chris Christie for some reason.

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