Tag Archives: Weird News

Faux Report

Crips Gang Initiates First White, Suburban Teen

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LOS ANGELES, California –

The Los Angeles-based gang the Crips have taken steps to broaden their membership by adding to their roster the first white, suburban teenager to their ranks.

The teen, 17-year-old Stewart Smith, says that he is “extremely happy” to have been allowed to join the gang, and that he thinks it’s super progressive of them to let him in.

“The great thing is that I am able to go where my fellow gang members cannot,” said Smith. “For example, I am allowed to go to movie theatres, sporting events, and quiet, suburban neighborhoods without being looked at twice. It makes it a lot easier to commit crimes, because I’m white, and as all pigs know, it’s the blacks that commit the crimes.”

Smith says he’s also extremely excited that he can carry a gun, and no one will hassle him.

“In California, you can carry a gun, legally, at age 16, so no one even thinks anything of it,” said Smith. “If I was a black teen, then I’d have been shot ages ago. White privilege is a real thing, and I have to say, it’s really fucking great, too.”

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Faux Report

Woman Gives Birth To Puppies After Admitting To Sex With Family Dog

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PROVO, Utah – 

Samantha Kedder, 24, has reportedly given birth to a litter of German Shepherd puppies after being hospitalized with severe stomach pains. Doctors were surprised to see Kedder go into labor, as she didn’t know she was pregnant.

“It was even more of a shock when three tiny puppies came out instead of a baby,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Provo Medical Center. “To be honest, we didn’t know this was possible. It’s both a marvel of modern medicine and extremely disturbing at the same time.”

Kedder admits that while she was recently living at home, she would often have sex with the family dog, Jonsey, because she couldn’t find a date.

“I didn’t know anyone in town. My parents moved to a new place, I lost my job, and had to move back home,” said Kedder. “I didn’t have time to meet any new guys while I was applying for jobs, so I would sometimes have sex with Jonsey. I don’t think it was wrong. He’s a big dog, and he wasn’t hurt by it. In fact, he really seemed to like it. I know I did.”

According to Dr. Brown, Kedder’s birth is the first on record for an inter-species relationship.

“This opens up a lot of doors in science and medicine that we thought were closed,” said Dr. Brown. “The fact that her eggs were able to be implanted by canine sperm, it’s just, well it’s just amazing. Still really, really gross, but definitely amazing.”

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Faux Report

Woman Arrested For Encouraging Her Spoiled Children To Destroy Toy Section Of Store

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BALTIMORE, Maryland – 

Lakesa George of Baltimore was arrested on Thursday morning after she reportedly allowed her spoiled children to completely destroy the toy section of a local Goodwill store. Associates at the location say that they tried to get Ms. George to tell her children to stop, but she laughed at them.

“We noticed that her kids were running wild through the toys, and they were yanking everything off the shelf and just throwing it on the floor,” said store manager Mark Jones. “We asked Ms. George if she would control her children or we’d have to ask her to leave. She could barely be bothered enough to lift her eyes from her cell phone enough when she told me to ‘fuck myself,’ and that her kids could do whatever they wanted.”

According to police, Ms. George says that she has donated hundreds of items to Goodwill over the years, and that her kids have every right to go in and play with and do whatever they’d like with the toys.

“Every year, I donate me about 3 or 4 good outfits to the ‘Will,” said Lakesha George. “And I don’t mean no good outfits, I mean good outfits. They worth at least the amount that my kids messed up. Damn, that store ain’t seeing no more of my shit after this.”

Ms. George was arrested on trespassing charges after she refused to leave the store. Police were called, and a court has set her bail at $900. The children were taken by the state.

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Faux Report

Woman Suffers Severe Rectum Burns After Cell Phone Falls In Toilet, Shorts Out

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DAYTONA BEACH, Florida – 

A 28-year-old woman was hospitalized with severe burns to her buttocks, rectum, and vagina after her cell phone fell out of her pants pocket while she was in the process of sitting down in a restaurant bathroom, landing in the toilet. The water shorted out the phone, causing a small explosion inside the toilet bowl. The explosion is what caused the woman to get burned.

“I’m not going to lie, it was really hilarious,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Daytona Medical Center. “My wife drops her stupid phone in the toilet constantly. So does my teenage daughter. I don’t know why women insist on putting their phones in their back pocket. It doesn’t make any sense.”

Dr. Brown says that the patient, whose name is not being released, will have minor scarring, but in the future, he warns that the case could have been a lot worse.

“She could have died, easily, from her injuries,” said Dr. Brown. “I caution women everywhere to stop putting their phones in their back pockets, stop wearing stupid little jeans with tiny pockets, or stop having phones all together. This is a tragic, yet stupidly ridiculous, circumstance, that I never want to have to deal with again. Be safe, girls.”

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Faux Report

Father Marries His Twin Daughters In First Incestuous Polygamous Relationship

PROVO, Utah –

John Jacob Schmidt, 50, was recently wed to his two twin daughters, Marna and Mary, 22, in what has become the nation’s first incestuous polygamous marriage, say Utah state officials.

Utah is known for its heavy population of Mormons, who believe and practice in polygamy, which is taking multiple wives. Although not legal, many small towns in Utah allow for the practice, although in the case of Schmidt, he was taking his relationships to the next level.

“I have never in my life loved anyone more than I love my daughters,” said Schmidt, beaming proudly in his finest overalls and tie. “Even my first 8 wives were not as important to me as my daughters. After all of my wives died, the only family I have left are Marna and Mary, and they want this just as much as I do.”

“I love my daddy, and I would do anything to make him happy,” said Mary. “Marna and I, we have been sharing our daddy’s bed since as far back as we can remember, and we’ve always felt nothing but the deepest, hardest love from our father. This is a dream come true.”

“I think that every girl dreams of marrying a man just like their daddy, and this is just taking that to the next logical step, and doing just that,” said Marna. “Mary and I want this. Our Daddy wants this. It’s an amazing feeling to know that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with the man you love.”

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Faux Report

World’s Fattest Man Completes Triathlon In Record-Breaking Time

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LOS ANGELES, California –

The world’s fattest man, George Richards, recently finished first in a triathlon event in Los Angeles, California. Richards, who often does not leave his house, weighs nearly 700lbs, but was encouraged to run the race after he was told there was a free buffet dinner for all the runners once they finished.

“I normally don’t move that fast, but when food is involved, you can’t stop me,” said Richards. “I am always starving, I always want food. When it comes to a free buffet, you can’t stop me from getting there. It did surprise me, though, that I was able to beat all the other well-toned athletes that were running.”

Richards’ total time was 1 hour and 24 minutes, which beat the second place finisher by over 2 hours.

“I think that it was the 23 pounds of pasta I had before the race,” said Richards. “All those carbs, they really propelled me. The sad thing is, the buffet dinner wasn’t even that good.”

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Faux Report

Woman Arrested On Bestiality Charges Say ‘No Man Could Satisfy’ Her

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PHOENIX, Arizona –

A woman who was arrested and charged with having “oral and vaginal sex” with two canines says that she doesn’t at all regret the acts – which she says have been happening since she was 13 – because “no man” could satisfy her needs.

“When I was a teenager, I really wanted to have sex, but I wasn’t very attractive, and I was chunky, and all the boys just laughed at me,” said the woman, Brittany Sunny, now 20. “The one person who never laughed at me was my dog, Spot. He loved me for me. He loved me deeply, and I loved him. We started having sex when I was 13. He loved it, I loved it. After that, no man would do.”

Sunny says that Spot died a few years ago, and she fell in love with another dog, that she named Julius.

“Julius wasn’t as well endowed as Spot, but he still felt perfect,” said Sunny. “I tried dating men. I tried having sex with men. I love sex, but it’s just not the same when you’re having sex with a man. They can give you plenty, but they can’t give you everything. I just love taking the knot.”

Sunny, who is being held on $10,000 bail for animal abuse and cruelty charges, says she has “no regrets.” Lawyers for the state who are prosecuting her, say that they expect she will be placed into a mental facility to help curb her sexual proclivities.

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Couple Who Won $1B Powerball Jackpot Found Dead In Their Home In Apparent Murder/Suicide

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PHOENIX, Arizona –

Mary and George Ripkin of Phoenix, Arizona, were found dead in their home Monday morning after a neighbor called 911, reporting that they heard gunshots coming from inside the home. The Ripkins recently won the largest jackpot in history, which netted the couple over a half a billion dollars once split between other prize winners.

“I hear a couple of people yelling, then a gunshot, then everything was silent,” said a neighbor, Felicia McGregor. “I couldn’t quite make out what they were saying, but I did hear them talking about whether to get a yacht or just buy an island.”

According to police, George McGregor shot his wife, and then hung himself in the family den. A Facebook status that he left stated that they were going to donate all the money they had won to a lucky winner who shared, liked, or commented on the post. As of the time of this writing, the post had been shared more than 2.6 million times, although lawyers for the couple say that the post does not constitute a legally binding contract, and no one will be getting the money for sharing the post.

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Faux Report

Rapist Sues Woman He Assaulted After Learning She Gave Him HIV

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SAN DIEGO, California –

John Ryan, 32, is suing Felicia Jones, 26, after contracting HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, in a sexual encounter. Ryan says that although he was raping Jones at the time, she should have informed him that she had the virus, and because she didn’t, he is entitled to “everything she has.”

“Just because I grabbed her off the running path in the park, took her into the woods, and raped her, doesn’t mean that she has the right to hide her disease from me,” said Ryan, who has been arrested for sexual assault in the past, although the charges were later dropped. “Because she didn’t say anything, I now have HIV, and my life is essentially ruined.”

The law in most states, including California, says that if you are a carrier of HIV or AIDs, you must inform all sexual partners beforehand, or face possible arrest and prosecution for manslaughter.

“Ms. Jones was fully able to explain to me that she had the disease, as I did not cover her mouth like I’ve done to other women in the past,” said Ryan. “I may have decked her in the mouth a few times, but a little blood is not stopping her from saying ‘hold on a minute, I have HIV.'”

Jones says that she was terrified in the situation, and that her condition was not at the forefront of her mind.

“That bastard was raping me, and telling him that I was sick probably wouldn’t have stopped him anyway,” said Jones. “I was scared, and I thought he might kill me. That’s what I was thinking about. My lawyer has advised me not to say that I think he deserves what he got, but let me just say that I’m certainly not sorry.”

Jones contracted the virus two years ago during a blood transfusion after a bad car accident.

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Teen Cooks Child She Was Babysitting In Oven After Taking ‘Bad Acid’

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A 17-year-old teen has been arrested and charged with drug abuse and murder after she allegedly cooked a child she was babysitting in an oven. The teen claims that she didn’t do it on purpose, and that she honestly mistook the child for a turkey while she was “high on some bad acid.”

“I’m going to be honest – I was tripping balls when it happened,” said the teen, Marissa Fleming. “My boyfriend Tim and I, we just got into doing psychedelics. I’ve been tripping on mushrooms lately, and wanted to try acid. I tell you, the trip was intense and awesome, but I never even realized what I was doing when I set the over to 350.”

Fleming had been babysitting the 11-month-old toddler on the weekends since November, and the baby’s parents – who wish to remain anonymous, said that they couldn’t believe that it happened.

“Marissa is such a nice girl, and she really did love our baby,” said the mother. “[name redacted] and I, we have been together since high school, and this was our first baby after 20 years of marriage. We are definitely chilled to the bone about what happened, and extremely depressed, but at the same time, we experimented when we were her age, too, and I for one know how crazy shit gets when you’re tripping balls.”

“We don’t blame Marissa for what happened, we blame the public schools for removing the D.A.R.E. program from most areas,” said the father of the deceased child. “Marissa might have known better not to babysit on acid if she had only been able to hear it directly from the mouth of Daren The Lion. Now she has to live with this guilt for the rest of her life, and we had to get a new oven to remove the stench from the house.”

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Faux Report

Teen Commits Suicide After Reading Fake News Story About Favorite Band Breaking Up

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CARLSON, Kansas – 

A 14-year-old teen has reportedly committed suicide after reading about his favorite band breaking up on a spoof entertainment news website. The teen, Mark Simpson, had reportedly read on News 14 Now! that the group, Imagine Dragons, would be breaking up following one final tour.

“We told him that the news wasn’t real, that it was definitely a hoax,” said Simpson’s mother, Tammy. “You could tell by the other articles on the website that the whole thing was fake, but Mark kept telling me how all his friends were sharing the article on Facebook, and they wouldn’t share it if it wasn’t true. He was depressed for a week; he wouldn’t even eat or leave his room.”

Mrs. Simpson says that both she and her husband tried to convince Mark to seek help from a psychiatrist, but he wouldn’t budge.

“We even went so far as to message the band directly on their social media pages, just so we could get them to say that they weren’t breaking up, and it was all a hoax,” said George Simpson, Mark’s father. “Unfortunately, by the time they responded, Mark had already died.”

Police were called by Mrs. Simpson after she found Mark dead in his room. He killed himself by turning the volume on his stereo up to the highest volume, and listening to the popular Imagine Dragons song ‘Radioactive’ on repeat with a pair of Beats By Dre headphones.

“The song was so loud, and the bass so heavy, that on repeated plays, it gave him an anuresym,” said Mrs. Simpson. “He left a note that just simply said ‘I’m sorry, I can’t take it.’ We are extremely upset, because in the end, Imagine Dragons is only okay at best, anyway.”

The band did not immediately respond to comment about the incident. Mrs. Simpson says she plans to bring a lawsuit against Facebook for allowing the fake content to be shared on its website.

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13-Year-Old Impregnated From Toilet Seat In Burger King Bathroom

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SAN DIEGO, California – 

According to her parents, an unnamed 13-year-old girl has become pregnant after visiting a local Burger King restaurant, where they say semen that was on the seat must have caused her to conceive.

“The manger at the Burger King was throwing a man out of the restaurant as we were walking in, and when we asked what happened, they said they found him in the women’s bathroom,” said the girl’s mother, who asked to just be referred to as Mary. “It was disgusting, but there are a lot of perverts in this world. We still enjoyed our burgers and then we went home.”

Before they left, though, Mary says her daughter went in to use the restroom.

“She mentioned that it was dirty and there was something on the seat, and I scolded her for not hovering like I always say to do in public,” said Mary. “But I didn’t think too much of it after that, until about 6 weeks later.”

According to Mary, her daughter complained of cramps after a missed period, and doctors confirmed she was pregnant.

“Our daughter does not even have a boyfriend. She’s never even seen a penis before, so I know that she is telling the truth when she says it had to be the toilet,” said Mary. “I’ve confirmed with multiple physicians who say although rare, it’s entirely possible that the disgusting man’s semen could have impregnated my daughter if it is was still fresh enough.”

Mary says she plans to bring a lawsuit against Burger King for not “properly cleaning” their establishment.

“We’re a Catholic family, so abortion is out of the question here,” said Mary. “I will certainly make sure that Burger King pays for this child for the rest of its life, though, I’ll see to that. I only thank God that the pervert was white.”

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McDonald’s Manager Assaults Customer With Mozzarella Sticks

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DETROIT, Michigan – 

Fed up with all the complaints she was getting about the new McDonald’s mozzarella sticks, shift leader Harriet Truman threw a box of fresh, hot mozzarella sticks at an irate customer. Because of flaws in the baking process, the sticks may or may not still have their cheesy centers. The customer had gone through the drive-thru, and came in upset that she had gotten a “dud stick”.

Truman tried to defuse the customer by replacing the order, but the customer was still not happy.

Gloria Potts, the customer who was assaulted with the cheesy deliciousness, says she was mad that she had to get out of her car in the first place. “The only reason I do go to McDonald’s is so I can get my afternoon snacks without getting out of the car. I deserved to be compensated for having to do that. All she wanted to do was give me a new batch. I want that, plus my money back, plus some coupons for free food at a later date. I’m the customer, and the customer is always right.”

Truman was not fired, but did receive a warning from corporate not to throw food. She was taken into police custody for assault, but released on $50 bail. McDonalds is aware of the issue and offered a public apology Thursday after receiving numerous complaints about the lack of mozzarella in their cheesy snacks.

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Dermatologists Create ‘Pimple Porn’ Videos, Internet Can’t Get Enough Of New Trend

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HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Dermatologist Sandra Lee has been a certified dermatologist for 10 years, and has been catering to the darker side of the industry for the last two years. She pops explosive pimples and blackheads on video for thousands of fans, who become addicted to watching the “pimple porn.”

She has received hundreds of fan letters, which she displays at her practice based out of Uplands, California. Dr. Lee claims the “pimple porn” is playing a positive role by bringing dermatology to the masses and encouraging people to look after their skin.

“Contrary to the name there is nothing sexual about it – even though some of my fans really seem to get off on it. I understand that. I get off on the eruption of a juicy, swollen whitehead too. In my adolescent years I realized popping pimples was my passion. That’s why I am where I am today. There’s just something about how satisfying it is to pop a huge, gross pimple and watch the skin get moist and slimy.”

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