Tag Archives: shit

Faux Report

Man Arrested For Defecating On Boss’ Desk After Winning State Lottery

defecate

AUGUSTA, Georgia –

Joel Fine, 32, was arrested on Friday evening after police say that he went into his place of employment and defecated on the desk of his boss, Mark Carson, at Excess Communications, a telecommunications company. Fine won a $6.7 million dollar lottery jackpot on Wednesday evening, and said that he waited until Friday to visit his employer, because he had “a present” for his former boss.

“I worked at Excess for nearly 5 years, and that sonofabitch rode me every single day, all day, with never a single solitary ‘thank you’ or any expression of gratitude of a job well done,” said Fine. “The guy went through the same training program as me, and moved up only because his uncle was the former manager, and when he quit, nepotism reared its ugly head.”

Fine says that he “couldn’t believe it” when he won the lottery, but almost as good as being able to never work again, was knowing that he would be able to finally “afford” the present he always wanted to deliver to Carson.

“I walked into my office on Friday, even though I wasn’t supposed to be there that day, and I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Carson. “Joel was crouched on top of my desk, pants around his ankles, and he was reading a newspaper. A big, steaming pile of shit was all over my monthly reports. When he saw me, he just smiled, and told me to ‘kiss his ass.'”

Carson called the police, and Fine was arrested for indecent exposure and criminal mischief. He was released on $2,000 bail, which he called “chump change” and “totally well worth it.”

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Faux Report

Japanese ‘Crap Steak’ Approved For Use in United States By FDA

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TOYKO, Japan – 

Japan, much like the rest of the world, has long had a problem with overcrowding in major cities. And with overcrowding comes a horrible issue with waste – but not just garbage, human waste as well. Several years ago, in a lab in Japan, several scientists were able to work to put that waste to good use by creating edible steak and meats out of human feces.

“We took the best parts of human waste, which is to say, the fibers and nutrients, and we formulated those to create a new, totally safe, edible product,” said Dr. Buru Tawagoto. “Japanese people have been eating it for several years, and it has made waste go down and nutritional values go up throughout the country.

Just this week, the United States FDA cleared the Japanese “shit steak” for use in both the private and public sectors of the food market. Starting at the end of the year, people will be able to buy this same product in grocery stores, and order it in restaurants.

“We waited quite some time to come to this decision, basically watching, waiting, and checking to see how the project went in Japan,” said FDA spokesman Mario Carson. “In the end, we felt that there was nothing stopping us from clearing it for use. It is healthy, and there have been no noticeable side-effects. We think it tastes like shit, but hey, that’s not the issue at hand, here.”

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Faux Report

Bill Murray Says He Defecated On Hillary Clinton’s Limousine

murray

CHARLESTON, North Carolina –

No one expected Bill Murray to throw his hat in the ring for president, but last week, the 65-year-old comedian and actor made his intentions known officially, assuring everyone he is completely serious and interested in winning the 2016 election.

Unfortunately, immediately following his announcement that he was campaigning, a damning video surfaced of the actor on major news websites, showing him defecating on Hillary Clinton’s motorcade.

“It’s not like I was taking a dump on the American flag or anything,” Murray said, admitting to news outlets that what they had seen in the video was true. “It was just the Clinton limousine. Who cares? I had been thinking about doing that for a while now. It just seemed right. I’d never do that to Bernie Sanders, though. He seems like a decent guy. The rest of them are just scum.”

Murray’s representatives later retracted the statement, saying that Murray’s admission of guilt was a joke and made tongue-in-cheek. They denied any involvement, and attributed the incident to a lookalike.

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