Tag Archives: phone

Faux Report

Faceswap App Gets Man Arrested For Murder

faceswap

MURPHY, Delaware – 

James Gordon, 36, was arrested last night after he posted a face-swapped picture to his social media pages, say police. Gordon, who swapped faces with a picture of a man on a bus stop ad, said he thought the picture was “hilarious,” but someone who reported the picture definitely didn’t think so.

“There was a case of mistaken identity like I’ve never seen before,” said police chief Joel Silver. “The merging of the two faces that Mr. Gordon posted made him look exactly like a man we’ve been searching for. It was uncanny.”

Gordon says that police burst into his home at 12 Meadowlark Trail, guns drawn.

“I was terrified; I had no idea what was going on,” said Gordon, a construction worker. “Then when they told me I was being arrested for murder, I nearly had a heart attack.”

Lawyers for Gordon fought for his release, after they made police actually take a good look at him.

“They said, ‘look at this guy – does he look like the guy you’re after?'” said Gordon. “Police had to admit that I didn’t, but I did in that face swap picture, and that’s what they arrested me based on. It was truly bizarre.”

Police are now searching for the model who was used in the bus stop ad for questioning in their murder investigation.

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Faux Report

Bill Murray Reportedly Stabs Fan Who Was Photographing Him

murray

LOS ANGELES, California –

Bill Murray reportedly stabbed a fan who was taking pictures of him at a Los Angeles bar and restaurant, say reports. The fan, George Willis, was taken to a nearby hospital where he was treated for his wounds and released.

According to onlookers, Willis repeatedly took pictures of the Groundhog Day star, even after Murray had politely asked him not to. After several minutes of Willis gawking and photo-taking, Murray reportedly grabbed Willis’ cell phone and threw it across the room. Willis then proceeded to pull a tablet out of a bag, and continue taking pictures.

“It was at that point that Bill picked up his fork, went over to the guy again, and stabbed him in the shoulder,” said a witness. “To be honest, I laughed, because the guy deserved it. Funny thing was, the guy who got stabbed, he didn’t even flinch. He let out a wail, but then went right back to taking pictures with his iPad.”

Murray left the bar shortly after the incident, but Willis says that he is not pressing charges anyway.

“Bill Murray is the greatest actor in the history of cinema,” said Willis. “I know that he asked me to stop taking pictures, but I just couldn’t. Even after he smashed my phone and threw it. To be stabbed by him  is the greatest honor ever. Maybe someday I can meet him again, and he can sign the scar in my shoulder and I can get it tattooed onto me permanently.”

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Faux Report

Bill Murray Reportedly Stabs Fan Who Was Photographing Him

murray

LOS ANGELES, California –

Bill Murray reportedly stabbed a fan who was taking pictures of him at a Los Angeles bar and restaurant, say reports. The fan, George Willis, was taken to a nearby hospital where he was treated for his wounds and released.

According to onlookers, Willis repeatedly took pictures of the Groundhog Day star, even after Murray had politely asked him not to. After several minutes of Willis gawking and photo-taking, Murray reportedly grabbed Willis’ cell phone and threw it across the room. Willis then proceeded to pull a tablet out of a bag, and continue taking pictures.

“It was at that point that Bill picked up his fork, went over to the guy again, and stabbed him in the shoulder,” said a witness. “To be honest, I laughed, because the guy deserved it. Funny thing was, the guy who got stabbed, he didn’t even flinch. He let out a wail, but then went right back to taking pictures with his iPad.”

Murray left the bar shortly after the incident, but Willis says that he is not pressing charges anyway.

“Bill Murray is the greatest actor in the history of cinema,” said Willis. “I know that he asked me to stop taking pictures, but I just couldn’t. Even after he smashed my phone and threw it. To be stabbed by him  is the greatest honor ever. Maybe someday I can meet him again, and he can sign the scar in my shoulder and I can get it tattooed onto me permanently.”

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Faux Report

Compulsively Checking Your Phone Can Lead To Brain Tumors, Study Finds

phone

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Harvard College have released their findings of a recent study, detailing the effects of compulsively checking your phone.

“What we’ve found is that people who check and use their phone more often, die younger and with more violent, harsh deaths,” said Mark Cooban, who headed the study. “You see, the more often you check your phone, the more likely you are to development cancerous brain tumors, tremors, panic and anxiety attacks, cancer, AIDs, Hep-C, broken bones, vision loss, hearing loss, heart murmurs, and a slew of other issues.”

Although the study is not final, Cooban says that people should take warning of the study’s findings.

“We still have a long way to go, but I will say that of the 4 people in the study, 2 have died due to their phones,” said Cooban. “One was hit by a bus while crossing the street and texting, and another fell off a cliff while trying to send a snapchat picture of themselves to friends. Although not technically what we were looking for, we count those deaths as phone-specific.”

 

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