Tag Archives: Old

Faux Report

World’s Oldest Woman – Who Drank a Glass of Formaldehyde Every Day For 60 Years – Dies At Age 187

old

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

The oldest living person in history, Bertha Flake, has died at 187.

Flake, who was born in 1831, has been listed as the oldest living person in the Guinness World Records book since 1955, when she turned 124. At that point doctors thought that she would not have much longer to live, but after meeting with a “mystic” in 1957, Flake began to see her health improve.

The mystic told Flake to begin drinking filtered formaldehyde each day before eating her normal breakfast. Despite doctors warning her that it would kill her, Flake began the regimen, and lived another 60 years.

“It tastes horrible, but it’s clearly working,” said Flake last year on her 186th birthday. No one thought I would live this long. I didn’t even know it was medically possible, but here I am, still kicking, still going strong. I hope I live to see 200, but at this point, I’ve lived 2 or 3 lifetimes, and I can’t say that I haven’t seen and done it all. If I did next year though, I hope it’s in a hail of police bullets. Nothing like pulling a 187 on a motherfuckin’ cop, right?”

Flake was married 6 times in her life, and claims that she had even slept with many famous figures in history, including Charlie Chaplin and Josef Stalin.

Doctors are examining her remains and plan to release their findings in the New England Journal of Medicine.

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Faux Report

Old Juggalo Says He’s Worried About The Future Generation of Lil’ Juggalos

PONTIAC, Michigan –

55-year-old Kevin Anderson has been a self-proclaimed juggalo for over two decades, but says that young juggalos who are just coming into the family aren’t going to continue with the positive  message that they’ve always been about. According to Anderson, whose Juggalo name is “Klown Syndrome,” the new kids just don’t understand.

From The Hard Times:

“Frankly, I’m worried for our future,” said the outspoken Syndrome. “These Millennial Juggalos don’t know their asses from their elbows! They’re a bunch of assed-out tricks who don’t have the work ethic to hatchet their way out of a wet paper bag.”

Syndrome admitted his worry grew after attending last summer’s Gathering of the Juggalos.

“It was some straight Jugga-ho behavior, to be completely honest with you,” noted Syndrome. “This one youngin’ was talkin’ shit about how Faygo’s loaded with high fructose corn syzurup or some shit, and that we should try drinking water every once in a while. That’s some seriously wack shit. For real.”

Syndrome blames parents in his age group for raising a generation of coddled, entitled “Juggaflakes.”

“Back in the day, we worked for what we wanted. Nobody handed me anything when I was coming up. Nowadays, these young Juggs show up demanding blunts and whip-its like they grow on trees or something,” barked Syndrome. “They’re lucky I don’t straight up whoop they scrub asses.”

Old timers in other musical gangs, including those in the KISS Army, say they, too, can relate to the struggle, but remain hopefully that the next generation will eventually follow suit.

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Faux Report

White House Doctor Says That ‘Stress of the Job’ Is Killing President Trump

Trump-sick

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump wasn’t exactly a young man when he took the office of the President in January, but now, White House doctors are saying that the extreme stress of the job is putting an extreme strain on Trump, and he might not have much time left at this rate.

“His heart is working overtime, and his stress levels are through the roof,” said Dr. Mario George, Trump’s personal physician. “His blood pressure is over twice the levels it was before he took office. At this rate, and with his age and lavish lifestyle, he is a perfect candidate for a stroke within the next year.”

For his credit, President Trump called reports of his failing health “fake news,” and said he’s feeling better than ever.

“Yes, I said that this job was a lot harder than my old one, and that I miss my old life,” said Trump. “Yes, I look more tired and I’ve already put on some weight. Yes, my body is falling apart and I can no longer keep an erection without pills, but that doesn’t mean I am ready to go. I will be your president for at least another 7 years, I promise you that!”

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Faux Report

Woman In Uganda Confirmed To Be Over 200-Years Old

UGANDA – 

A woman living in a village in Uganda has been confirmed to be over 200-years-old by genealogists, researchers, and archivists who have looked into the woman’s lineage.

The woman, who does not remember her own name, is officially the oldest person to have ever lived. She was born in the same village in Uganda she currently lives, and says she has “never left.”

“I have lived long, I am tired. I have never gone away, this is what I know,” she said. “I am happy to be here. I am not happy to be so old. Wish I was dead. All my family, they are dead. I have had 18 children, 47 grandchildren, and 163 great-grandchildren, and they are all gone now. I’m sad. Kill me, please.”

Researchers say that they have “no idea” how it’s possible that she has lived so long, but have confirmed through genetic testing that she is, indeed, 204-years-old, having been born in 1806.

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Faux Report

New ‘Hag Porn’ Fetish Taking Internet By Storm

haggard

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Jaded by the typical hot porn-star type, some men turn to amateur porn. Others though, are now indulging in “hag porn,” finding they have been desensitized to attractive women and need something more “sinful and dirty,” so they seek out disgusting, older, or haggard-looking women.

College student James Reynolds says hag porn is the only thing he can get off to now.

“Me and my bros used to laugh at those butter faces, but I can admit now we were secretly turned on by them. We’ve got some tapes in the frat house where my bros find the ugliest girl at the bar and bring her back. They’re always surprised at all these young dudes that want them, and more than happy to do anything we want.”

One reason hag porn is catching on in the industry is that it is so cheap to produce. Although a typical ugly chick at the bar may participate for free, the ugliest hags usually require a small down payment. One popular video shows the actors climbing under an overpass to find participants; They pay an older woman five dollars to make the film, while dirty homeless men look on.

“I have to admit, I am sick to death of porn stars with their heels still on, stupid long fingernails, and their incessant moaning,” said pornography addict Bob Thomas. “I like my women raw. Dirty. Fucking diseased, even, I don’t care. I just don’t want to see the same generic blondes getting dicked by big black men. Hag porn is the best thing to come along since the internet.”

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Faux Report

World’s Oldest Prostitute Makes Plans To Retire At Age 86

prostitute

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Molly Suxcawk has been performing her namesake as a professional prostitute since 1943 in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada, but she says what was once a calling has become more of a chore.

“I choked down my first belly full of sperm at the ripe ol’ age of 14, and I never looked back,” said Suxcawk. “I’ve been out here in Vegas, enjoying my job for the better part of 70 years, but this has definitely become a young woman’s game, and it’s time I bow out, as it were. You can only take so much before an ol’ fashioned feels less like helping a guy out and more like your arm might fall off.”

Suxcawk was recognized by Guinness as the World’s Oldest Prostitute in 2007 when she was just about 79 years old.

“There aren’t too many women like me still in the game,” said Suxcawk. “Many of them got out of it in the 80s when AIDs was becoming prevalent. A lot of them died of things like syphilis or The Black Plague, but I’ve powered through, and I’ve been doing pretty good.”

Suxcawk estimates than in her time as a professional whore, she’s had sex with more than 45,000 men.

“Sure, that seems like a lot, but I did make a handful of them wear rubbers, so it was mostly safe,” said Suxcawk, smoking a cigarette and hacking up green phlegm. “I think I’m in pretty good shape for a woman of my age, but I tell you, I throw out my back nearly every time I have to put my legs behind my head, and I’m so stopped up, I can’t even drop out a Cleveland steamer on a guy’s chest anymore. Of course, at my age, I don’t have any problems with giving golden showers, that’s for sure. I think I dribbled a few drops just sitting here talking to you.”

Suxcawk says she will retire at the end of the year, and plans to finish high school.

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