Tag Archives: Movies

Faux Report

Gizmo Files Lawsuit Against Disney Over ‘Baby Yoda’, Claims Company Stole His Likeness

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Gremlins star Gizmo has filed a lawsuit in a Los Angeles superior court against Disney over their latest viral property, “Baby Yoda,” also known as The Child, from the hit Disney+ series The Mandalorian. Gizmo claims that Disney stole his likeness when they created the cute, cuddly character.

“My client is clearly the basis for the new Disney character affectionately known as Baby Yoda, and designers at Disney knew exactly what they were doing when they developed The Child’s final form,” said lawyer Chris Dante, who is representing Gizmo. “We are seeking damages for the extreme distress, loss of work, and emotional turmoil that Baby Yoda has caused my client. I am confident we have a strong case.”

Lawyers for Disney could not be reached for comment, but an anonymous employee who works on The Mandalorian said that there were draft notes that indicated Disney executives “very much” wanted to have a new character that “was 50% Yoda, 50% Gizmo, and 100% adorable.”

Gizmo first rose to fame in 1984 with his starring role in the Christmas-themed horror film Gremilins. 

Standard
Faux Report

Man Claims He Was Possessed By The Devil After Watching New Horror Movie

song

CHARLESTON, North Carolina – 

A Charleston man, Joe Briggs, said that he became possessed by the Devil himself after watching a horror movie that was, coincidentally, about a violent exorcism.

Briggs, 30, saw the film, American Guinea Pig: Song of Solomon at a local screening, and said the film was so jarring and sickening, that he left the theatre feeling physically ill.

“Several people had to leave the theatre during the show, and at least one person I saw passed out in their seat,” said Briggs. “I made it all the way through, but the movie was horrific, and I felt physically ill while watching it. Once it was over, I could barely move.”

Paramedics were called and transported Briggs to the hospital, where he was kept in intensive care for several days. Doctors who examined him could not figure out why he was having such a violent, physical reaction to a movie.

“The patient began to exhibit signs of a definite surreal, ‘not of this world’ sort of nature,” said Dr. Charles Lee Ray, who attended for Briggs. “After a couple of days, he began to develop sores, sweats, and was bleeding through his pores. One evening, he punched a nurse in the face, and she was knocked clear across the room, over 20 feet. Once he began speaking in ancient Aramaic, we called in a priest.”

Father Gary Lorde was brought in and confirmed demonic possession, and spent 4 days performing an exorcism.

“We had to move Briggs from the hospital, as an exorcism is an extremely long, grueling, and terrifying thing to witness,” said Lorde. “He was brought to a local rectory for spiritual treatment. In the end, we were able to remove the demonic spirit from Briggs, but there’s no telling with this ordeal has done to his mortal soul.”

“I think I’m going to be okay,”said Briggs. “I’m looking forward to picking up the movie when it comes out on blu-ray.”

Standard
Faux Report

Trump’s Secret Addiction EXPOSED! How The President Has Gone BANKRUPT Over Secret Purchases

trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump has made a big deal about not showing his taxes, trying desperately to hide his actual income and net worth from the public. The reason why, many have speculated, is that he not only has cheated on his taxes, but that the forms would reveal how little he actually has in income. As it turns out, that is partially correct.

Although Trump has made a fortune selling his name and branding buildings, it was also recently discovered that the world’s most powerful leader is completely and totally flat broke.

“The President has a rather extreme, but somewhat relatable addiction to buying and collecting movies,” said a source from inside the White House. “I know that seems kind of bizarre, but Trump is like a big man-child, and his love of movies is vast. He has dedicated an entire wing of the White House to his DVD and Blu-ray collection. He has approximately 89,000 movies. It’s a full time job for a team of 3 people to organize and alphabetize his collection.”

According to the source, Trump spends nearly $30 million a year on his movie collection, and lately that number has increased, as he spends more and more on high-priced, out of print collectible copies, and on newer and more expensive titles, such as those that are being released in 4K high definition. For someone who was reportedly worth billions only a decade ago, the collection has slowly killed his net worth.

“The President has a problem, and it’s coming to a point where someone needs to have an intervention with him, but no one knows how,” said the source. “He’s out of control. On Black Friday, where sales are at their best, he went out and bought almost 100 new movies in one day. Then, just because that kick-started the buying bug, he ordered another 270 movies on Cyber Monday. The guy has a problem, and it’s killing us all.”

Standard
Faux Report

Netflix Buys Illegal Torrent Downloading Website The Pirate Bay

piratebay

CUPERTINO, California – 

Netflix, one of the world’s largest media companies, has just announced that they have purchased the popular illegal torrent website The Pirate Bay. TPB, as its commonly known, is one of the biggest sources of illegal online traffic, providing links for downloads of movies, music, pornography, and even textbooks.

Of the top 200 links on the website, 40 of them are Netflix properties, including the lastest film in the Child’s Play series, as well as Orange is the New Black, Stranger Things, and several stand-up comedy specials. With the knowledge that many of their owned works were being bootlegged, Netflix CEO Reed Hastings said he decided the best course of action was to buy the site.

“A lot of these websites, they claim to have some sort of principles, like they aren’t in it for the money, but for the freedom of information,” said Hastings. “Frankly, that’s bullshit. Of course they’re in it for the money. No one does anything without an endgame, and theirs was to get rich on someone else’s work – in this case movies, music, and TV. Knowing that, I went to them with an offer, and they accepted.”

Although the details of the deal were not made public, sources speculate that the purchase probably cost Netflix somewhere in the nature of $250 million. Their plans are to keep the site active, and charge users on a per-download basis.

“No use shutting it down entirely, that would be stupid,” said Hastings. “Instead, we’re going to keep it going, but no one will be taking our product anymore. They can pay for it like everyone else.”

Standard
Faux Report

Moviegoers Burn Down Theatre After Showing of Controversial Film That Portrays Jesus Christ as Gay

fire

DETROIT, Michigan – 

A controversial new independent film has caused an extreme reaction from moviegoers, after it was screened in downtown Detroit. The film, which portrays Jesus Christ as a homosexual who has been cast from Heaven by God, created such an extreme negative reaction during the premiere, that the crowd destroyed the theatre by setting it on fire, causing over $2 million in damages.

Gay For Pray: The Erotic Adventures of Jesus Christ was released this month through an independent film releasing company, and is the first-known depiction of Jesus as a homosexual on film. The movie is being called one of the most highly controversial of all time, and the director says that he is “overjoyed” by the reaction.

“There’s nothing that could possibly be better than a crowd that is so moved by a film that they actually burn the theatre to the ground,” said Nathan Rumler, the filmmaker behind the movie. “I hope that at every screening they end up destroying the place, it would be a dream come true to leave that kind of mark on the movie going public.”

Many people who were at the screening refused to identify themselves in fear they might be held liable for the damage, but Empire News managed to speak to one woman who was there during the premiere.

“As a devout Christian, I was appalled at what I saw in this movie,” said Margaret Richards, who attended the screening. “I had no idea what the movie was about, but the theatre had given free passes. This movie is the most offensive thing I’ve ever seen. It has blackface! And nasty sex talk and…sex items shaped like the Cross! Jesus is most definitely not gay, the Bible would have said so, and wouldn’t have told us to hate homosexuals if he was! This movie was the most blasphemous thing I’ve witnessed in my life. And the violence, and the language! And a naked girl bends over and shows her hoo-ha to everyone! I am disgusted just thinking about it.”

Rumler agrees that the movie is extremely offensive, but that in this day and age, freedom of speech is important.

“In a time where NFL players are being lambasted for kneeling down during our National Anthem, I applaud freedom of speech. I applaud vulgarity and sex, nudity and extreme violence!” said Rumler. “If someone doesn’t like it, that’s really not my problem. It probably shouldn’t have been something they watched in the first place. I’m not going to sit down and watch The Notebook just so I can burn the theatre down in anger, am I? Hell no.”

The film will continue to show in limited run at festivals and events throughout the remainder of the year, but Rumler says he has “no plans at all” to pull the release.

 

Standard
Symphony

Encore of Revival: America, October 17, 2016

If the Clinton campaign is doing so well, why are they working so hard? If the media “knows” Trump will win and has totally done himself in “this time” (as in many times before) then why do they have such a demonstrable effort against him? Why is it illegal for the public to read WikiLeaks, but not for CNN? And why, if the box office is down, did “Star Wars” help the box office make so much money? Are movies from the 80’s all that people want to see anymore?

When Trump “changes his mind” from a non-teleprompter statement to a media microscope interrogation a few days later, his supporters like him more for one reason: It proves he is normal.

Americans make whimsical statements every day as they toss ideas and formulate real opinions. The small back-and-forth as real Americans—including Trump—develop their ideas in a consistent, overall direction is a stark contrast to the flip-flopping of career politicians with calculated, consulted, contrived so-called “positions” as they forget whether they are speaking to their secret donors or the voters they scam. Of course, no one has a front-row seat to this difference like the media, who seem to be so ignorant of that difference that the ignorance has become an indictment.

No one will ever trust the media after this election. They have bankrupted their “emotional bank account” of public trust.

The sad part is how many career politicians think their smooth statements are actually helpful. But, the Republican rhetoric lovers forget that the smoothest-talking presidents with the least offensive speeches have always been Democrats. Republicans who get the blue votes always make big waves.

Everything, including the extra effort for Hillary, says that Trump will win November.

continue reading

Standard
Faux Report

J.K. Rowling: ‘Ron and Hermione Will Divorce In Harry Potter Sequel’

LONDON, England – 

Harry Potter fans are shocked by JK Rowling’s announcement that Ron and Hermione divorce in the new book. The official sequel, Harry Potter and The Cursed Child, focuses on Potter’s child, Albus Severus. It will be released as both a play and a book on July 31st.

Harry Potter is now “an overworked employee of the Ministry of Magic, a husband and father of three school-age children. Although the focus is on the Potter family, Ron and Hermoine rejoin the hero to fight the forces of evil, while going through a heated divorce and custody battle.”

“I rushed the ending a bit, didn’t think through the epilogue, and now I have some major regrets,” says Rowling. In the epilogue to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which is set 19 years later, it’s revealed that Harry married Ginny Weasley, Ron’s sister, and they have three children. Ron and Hermione have two kids together. The author says, “Hermione and Ron should have never ended up together. Opposites may attract, but it usually doesn’t last. I will be undoing a great injustice to the characters and fans.”

Conservative Christian groups have announced their plans to continue to boycott the books based on moral grounds. Harry Potter Fanclub member, Kelly Slater says she feels the new developments are true to life. “Ron leaves Hermione for some younger, hotter bitch. Kids need to learn that it happens in the wizarding world and it happens in real life.”

Standard
Faux Report

George Clooney Comes Out; Wife Amal Clooney Visibly Upset At Premiere

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Amal Clooney looked upset when her husband, George Clooney, came out to the Money Monster premier.

“Georgie looked nice, but as usual he was out-shined by his wife. She was positively glowing. Of course the dress did not flatter her baby bump at all,” said an onlooker at the premiere. “And she looked like she wanted to puke. I can’t believe Georgie dragged her out.”

George Clooney is reportedly ready for a family, being so old that it’s officially become a “now or never” situation.

Julia Roberts disagrees, saying she would not let George babysit her kids for any length of time. “He’s just a big baby himself,” says Roberts. “Luckily the Clooney family has more than enough money to hire a full time nanny. It’s such a delight to raise children with all the reward and none of the work.”

Standard
Faux Report

Hollywood Says That They Are ‘Done’ Making Reboots, Remakes; Original Content Only Starting 2017

LA

LOS ANGELES, California – 

All the major studios in Hollywood, including Paramount, Universal, Fox, and more, released a joint announcement today saying that they have “heard the call” of the movie fan, and will no longer be rebooting or remaking films, and plan to release nothing but original films and content going forward.

“People have been complaining a lot, and the internet is really the most important fan we have,” read the statement. “We have listened, and starting in 2017, there will be no more reboots from any of our studios. No remakes, either. We will still have sequels, because they’re built-in audiences that are usually cash cows, but no longer will we decide to make a movie based on another movie that is only 10 years old, that itself was based on a comic or TV series that was only 3 years old.”

The internet let out a collective yell of celebration at the news, praising Hollywood filmmakers for the first time since Avatar was released.

“Finally, they’re doing something right, and listening to what we want,” said Kip Hendrix, who says he ‘loves movies more than sluts love dick.’ “I’m so glad that I will never again have to see a movie in anticipation of another version of it being released by the time I get home from the theatre. Hollywood has sucked lately, and this is going to fix it.”

Standard
Faux Report

Gritty, R-Rated ‘Carmen Sandiego’ Movie Begins Production In October

carmen

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego was a popular children’s game and TV show, which taught geography and history to kids in the early 90s. Several other offshoots of the Carmen Sandiego character have appeared over time, and it was announced today in Variety magazine that a new, gritty version of the character is coming to the big screen.

“All the kids loved Carmen, but those kids have grown up, many with children of their own now,” said Lionsgate CEO Mark Miller. “We thought about the property, and decided that a gritty, dark, violent version of the character would really appeal to those adults who grew up with her on TV and on the computer. This was a major deal for us, and a huge property to acquire.”

Miller says that the character is being revamped and rebooted to be more of a sultry, violent, superhero like spy.

“She’s a former stripper-turned-private eye, so she knows how to use her body as well as her fists, to get to the ‘bad guys,'” said Miller. “The script is being written by Quentin Tarantino, who is a big fan of the original TV show, as well as the cartoon series from the 90s.”

Tarantino is known for his violent characters in most films, including extremely badass female characters such as The Bride in his Kill Bill films.

“We know he will do a terrific job on the story,” said Miller. “If things pan out, we may even have him direct.”

Standard
Faux Report

Marvel Announces R-Rated ‘Howard The Duck’ Film Coming in 2017

howard

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

The original Howard the Duck film, starring Lea Thompson and Ed Gale, is widely divided between moviegoers as being either an “awesome cult classic,” or one of the worst films of all time, but either way, Marvel has announced that they plan to bring back their anthropomorphic duck in an all-new movie, set for release in the summer of 2017.

“We teased Howard a little at the end of Guardians, but we really wanted to bring him back for his own movie, and this time, make it not a giant piece of shit,” said Marvel CEO Mark Wymms. “He will not be CGI as he was in Guardians. That was just a tease, or a little taste. Actually, we’ve already begun shooting the movie, and we think fans will be super happy to know that we’re going hard R-rating.”

Deadpool, the latest Marvel movie to hit theatres, was R-rated, and grossed over $700 million worldwide, making it the third-highest grossing R-rated film of all time. Marvel hopes to strike again with Duck, which is based on their comic series about a duck named Howard who is brought to Earth during a science experiment gone awry.

The new film will feature Warwick Davis (Willow) as Howard, and is set to be directed by Lars Von Trier.

Standard
Faux Report

‘Howard The Duck’ Movie Coming In 2017; Will Be R-Rated, ‘Won’t Suck This Time’ Says Marvel

howard

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Howard The Duck is a cult movie unlike most others, in the fact that almost everyone loathes it. The film, released in 1986, holds an ungodly low score of only 14% on RottenTomatoes, and most people consider it one of the worst movies of all time.

Despite that, though, Marvel has decided to green-light a remake of the film, which will introduce the anthropomorphic duck to a new audience, with hopes that the new film won’t “suck” as much as the original.

“Personally, I love the original, and I think it’s tons of fun. It’s not as good as the source material, but few things are,” said Bob Thomas, a movie reviewer for website TheFilmTalk. “Ed Gale, who played Howard, was tons of fun, and the movie is a laugh-riot. I don’t care what anyone says, the original does not suck.”

“The original is a giant pile of shit, but that won’t be the case with the remake,” said Marvel CEO Joel Miller. “We teased a bit after the credits of Guardians, but that was just a test, really. The character won’t be CGI, and there are some other changes. We’ll definitely have the crude, dirty parts of the comic, too. We are shooting for an R-rating, definitely.”

The movie has been in production since late 2015, but Marvel is just announcing the release this week. They say the script was written by Deadpool scribe Paul Wernick, and is being directed by Kevin Smith. Warwick Davis (Leprechaun, Willow) will be playing the title character.

Standard
Faux Report

Steven Spielberg Announces 5th ‘Indiana Jones’ Film Titled ‘Search For The Medicaid’

jones

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Harrison Ford has just signed on for the 5th, and perhaps final, installment in the original Indiana Jones series, according to producer and director Steven Spielberg. Spielberg, who is a spry 69-years-old, will direct Ford in the outing, slated for release in 2019. Ford will be a wrinkled 76-years-old upon the film’s release.

“I know I can’t do these forever, and if it wasn’t Steven making it again, I wouldn’t be bothered,” said Ford. “They tell me that this film is about Jones’ search for his missing Medicaid card. Sounds about right to me. At my age, I’m just not as limber and mobile as I used to be. Should be a really exciting adventure.”

“We’re going to be visiting some amazing locales in this movie, including Jones’ bathroom, his bedroom, and the living room couch, as he searches for his insurance card,” said Spielberg. “This is going to be the most action-packed film that a nearly 80-year-old man could ever hope to star in.”

The movie, being produced by LucasFilms, will be a summer tent-pole, as fans are just about as eager for the film as can be expected for a series this beloved.

“I mean yeah, I guess I’ll see it eventually,” said Roger Joy, 38. “I grew up with the originals. Crystal Skull kind of sucked, but as long as Harrison Ford doesn’t have to interact with the walking mannequin that is Shia LeBeouf in this one, it will be okay. I’ll at least catch it on Netflix.”

Standard
Faux Report

Tim Burton Confirms ‘Beetlejuice 2’ Actually Happening; Keaton Out – Replaced With Johnny Depp

beetlejuice

LOS ANGELES, California – 

After a very back-and-forth week for Tim Burton and Beetlejuice fans, it can now be confirmed that a sequel is in the works. Originally Burton was rumored to have said that it wasn’t happening, then original stars Wynona Ryder and Michael Keaton confirmed that it was. Just a few days ago, a rep for Burton denied that a sequel was happening. All of the rumors can be put to rest, as Tim Burton himself has finally made a public announcement on the film’s future.

“We are definitely going ahead with ‘Bettlejuice 2’,” said Burton in a post on his social media pages. “I know there has been some hurt feelings on the part of the fans, and some rumors and some other garbage going around. I want to put a stop to all the lies and rumors. We are, at this moment, writing a sequel that we hope to begin filming later this year for release sometime in 2017 or early 2018.”

Burton went on to drop another bombshell, though, on his fans, in the casting department.

“Although we are extremely excited to bring fans of the first film a new look into the lives of the characters, there will be one major change, and that’s with who will be playing Bettlejuice,” said Burton. “Although many people believe that no one could play the part like Keaton, the man has gone on to win Oscars and play highbrow characters in arty films, and so we have decided that the part will be better suited to Johnny Depp.”

According to Burton, the story will continue where the original left off, with Lydia now married and with a child of her own.

Standard