Tag Archives: Men

Faux Report

Study: Showering Daily Decreases Penis Size

TOKYO, Japan –

A study from a prestigious Japanese university proves that the size of the penis decreases proportionally according to the number of showers a man takes. The study, which was initialized by Dr. Eypee Frealy, found that in a sample size of over 1000 men of various ages, their penis size would decrease based on the number of showers they took.

“Japanese people are known to have a smaller penises, but we wanted to find out if this was true,” said Dr. Frealy. “Of course, the study proved it was factually correct compared to other countries, but it also means that that the Japanese are the cleanest men in the world – it’s the perfect excuse.”

Dr. Frealy explained that the phenomenon happens due to two separate factors – Washing causes friction that causes erosion at the area, and excessive hydration.

“In one instance, an excessively clean man had completely lost his penis up inside his body. He showered and washed 5 to 6 times each day for a year. His OCD completely caused his penis to disappear,” said Frealy. “It’s a rarity, but it happened.”

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Faux Report

American Psychiatric Association Officially Condones Pedophilia

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The American Psychiatric Association has released their latest journal, and it is causing an uproar in the psychiatric and medical communities. The APA, which is responsible for classifying and normalizing mental and sexual proclivities, has stated in their latest journal that pedophilia is a “natural, and ‘okay'” response.

“Ever since the government began its quest to “normalize” homosexuality and other perverse sexual behavior, conservatives have been saying it’s a slippery slope,” said Dr. Greg Carson of the APA. “Since children are reaching puberty earlier than ever before, sex with 11 to 14-year-olds should not be considered wrong. We found that at least a sizable minority of normal males would like to have sex with children, and normal males are aroused by children. With this information, we went ahead and published our study.”

The “Classifying Sex: Debating DSM-5” conference that happened in February in Washington featured speakers who condoned pedophilia as “natural and normal for males.” DSM-5 is short for the 5th volume of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, which classifies disorders as provided by the APA.

Lawmakers are currently deciding whether pedophilia should still be illegal, as homosexuality was also once an illegal activity, until it was later discovered – and condoned – by the APA to be part of a normal, healthy mental state.

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Faux Report

Bill Cosby Says He’s Actually Gay, Couldn’t Possibly Have Assaulted Anyone

Bill Cosby Brings Up Rape Allegations In Interview Because No One Was Talking About Him Anymore

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Extremely old comic Bill Cosby, who has been accused of sexually assaulting – or flat-out raping – so many women that the entire media has lost count, is now claiming that he couldn’t possibly have done anything to any of the women accusing him, because he’s actually gay.

“Yes indeed, I’m as gay as they come, woo-hoo, gay gay gay,” said Cosby. “Yes, I’ve been married for years, but in my day, it’s just what you did. You didn’t want anyone to know you were gay, so you snagged a woman and made her your wife. But really, I’m very gay. Why do you think I sucked so many pudding pops over the years? What man likes something to phallic who isn’t gay? Yup, gay gay gay.”

Cosby claims that he’s not using this defense as a way to try and take the blame off himself for his alleged crimes, but that he just feels now is the perfect time to “come clean” about his sexual habits.

“I have a lot of proclivities, but raping women isn’t one of them,” said Cosby. “I like men, always have, always will. Yup, don’t you forget it – gay gay gay. If someone says to you ‘Cosby rapes women,’ you correct them right there and tell them how gay I am, and that it’s not true at all. I’ve never raped anybody.”

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Faux Report

New ‘Hag Porn’ Fetish Taking Internet By Storm

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ATLANTA, Georgia –

Jaded by the typical hot porn-star type, some men turn to amateur porn. Others though, are now indulging in “hag porn,” finding they have been desensitized to attractive women and need something more “sinful and dirty,” so they seek out disgusting, older, or haggard-looking women.

College student James Reynolds says hag porn is the only thing he can get off to now.

“Me and my bros used to laugh at those butter faces, but I can admit now we were secretly turned on by them. We’ve got some tapes in the frat house where my bros find the ugliest girl at the bar and bring her back. They’re always surprised at all these young dudes that want them, and more than happy to do anything we want.”

One reason hag porn is catching on in the industry is that it is so cheap to produce. Although a typical ugly chick at the bar may participate for free, the ugliest hags usually require a small down payment. One popular video shows the actors climbing under an overpass to find participants; They pay an older woman five dollars to make the film, while dirty homeless men look on.

“I have to admit, I am sick to death of porn stars with their heels still on, stupid long fingernails, and their incessant moaning,” said pornography addict Bob Thomas. “I like my women raw. Dirty. Fucking diseased, even, I don’t care. I just don’t want to see the same generic blondes getting dicked by big black men. Hag porn is the best thing to come along since the internet.”

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Faux Report

Men Are Paying Thousands Of Dollars To Be Led Around Like Dogs By Beautiful Women

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CHICAGO, Illinois – 

A secret trend that has reportedly been going on for quite some time in Chicago’s underground sex scene is seeing a major public interest after a well-known actor said that he “loves being led around like a dog.”

According to Variety, a very well-known and respected Oscar winning actor (who they refused to name) has been visiting Chicago for over a decade to be led around on a leash like a dog.

“I could do this in LA, I’m sure, but there’s something about flying to Chicago, away from everyone I know and see every day, and letting a woman strap me to a leash and parade me around the neighborhood,” said the unknown actor, who Variety said is in his mid-30s, and often stars in historical dramas. “It’s sexual, yes, but it’s also just about being treated like shit for awhile. In Hollywood, everyone is a yes man, especially after you win an Oscar. This takes that way, way down and throws it all away.”

Hollywood elite aren’t the only ones indulging, though. A woman that Empire News spoke to says she has made her living over the last three years being a Doggy Mom, as they’ve become to be referred to as.

“It started innocently enough, actually,” said Maryanne Jones, 31. “I was married, and my husband liked to be dominated. I wasn’t that big into it one way or the other when we were together, but after we got divorced, I found myself still wanting to have that control. I put an ad on Craigslist, and here we are, three years later. I have probably 25 different clients or so, and I made about $60,000 last year. It’s a living, that’s for sure.”

 

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Faux Report

Sexy Woman Makes Fortune Bottling Her Sweat, Selling It To Lonely Men

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JAMAICA PLAIN, Massachusetts – 

A former aerobics instructor, Jasmine Smith, says she has made over $1 million dollars after she started a business bottling her own sweat and selling it online.

“To be honest, I don’t know what the people who purchase it are using it for, and I don’t really ask,” said Smith, 24. “It all started after a private workout lesson I was giving a few years ago. The guy who paid for the lesson pulled me aside after, and asked if he could take my sweaty towels and clothes. I was super hesitant at first, but he paid me $400 for them, so I let it go.”

Smith says after that, the man visited several more times, and began paying higher figures.

“After that, I just sort of took to the internet to see if this was something I could do all the time. Turns out, there’s a big market for the sweat of sexy young women,” says Smith.

Reportedly starting her ‘business’ on the website Reddit, Smith says that she has about 300 “very dedicated” customers who buy her bottled sweat, old towels, workout clothes, and underwear.

“I will keep doing this as long as I can, as long as the men think I’m sexy enough to buy my sweat,” said Smith. “At this rate, I’ve already paid off my college loans, my car, and put down a large payment on a new house. The sweat has really been sweet.”

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Faux Report

‘Ultra Smoking’ Trend Proves Deadly As Cancer Rates Skyrocket

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LOS ANGLES, California – 

In the ghettos of South Central, Los Angeles in California, young African-American men have turned to a new trend referred to as “ultra smoking,” or sticking as many cigarettes in as many orifices as possible when smoking. Ultra Smoking apparently started last year, and the trend quickly spread.

“Oh man, I’ve seen some mothafuckas who smoke a whole pack at once,” said ghetto thug Jamal ‘Crazy Crack’ Jones. “My boy Dion, that boy usually smoke three or four cigarettes at once in his mouth, couple in each nostril, even sometimes he’ll stick a few in his ass. I guess those ones are the hardest to inhale, but that dude, he figured it out.”

Doctors warn that the litany of ways that young black men can die, including sickle cell and gangland shootings, “ultra smoking” is the least of their concerns.

“Frankly, we don’t see that this so-called ‘ultra smoking’ will really make their lives any worse,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Cambridge University in Boston. “Most of these men will die young anyway. Between prison, gun violence, and white cops who don’t check their own privilege before firing off their guns, yeah, ultra smoking is dangerous, but not as dangerous as all the other activity these gang bangers get involved in.”

Other people aren’t so sure that Ultra Smoking should be considered a hip, new trend, though. Researchers as the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute found that smoking more than one cigarette at a time is 37% more likely to kill you, especially when you smoke the cigarettes through your ass.

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