Maine To Become First State To Legalize Heroin

AUGUSTA, Maine –

Maine has been at the forefront of a widespread battle against heroin addiction, with much of New England having some of the highest numbers of users in the country. Where doctors have failed, heroin has flourished, giving many people suffering from severe pain a way to reduce their issues at a fraction of the cost.

“The state of Maine is extremely happy to announce that we are the first to allow our citizens to freely use heroin,” said Maine Governor Paul LePage. “We have tried battling the addiction. We have tried regulating doctors to only allow certain medicines to be prescribed, so as not to cause more people to become addicted to painkillers. Alas, we’ve failed. Instead, we’re taking a different route.”

LePage says that he hopes that legalization of heroin will help to allow more people to get their pain and issues under control.

“If you can’t beat them, then it’s time to join them. Or in this case, it’s time to let them be free to make those choices,” said LePage. “Doctors are the number one reason that people get hooked on heroin. They prescribe heavy opiate painkillers to people, and when those prescriptions run out, those patients look to the streets. You can get some heroin for $10 on the streets, and your backache will be gone. Why not try it, right?”

LePage says that further regulating the drug would be a “horrible idea,” and that legalization will be pushed through as soon as possible.

Columns, Devotionals

Laughter is Good Medicine

From the tone of my posts you might imagine that I'm a pretty serious person. And I am very serious about serving God. But I also love to laugh.

You would never survive being around our family without a sense of humor. And I have a serious flaw in my personality - I say things that I think are funny before I realize that I might make someone feel bad. My daughter has inherited my sense of humor and has this flaw also. She and I get along wonderfully and almost every conversation that we have has a moment of laughing so hard we can't breathe - but not everyone gets us. Ha! We have each other.

Several years ago I found myself in spiritual battle. It was a very hard season and I was experiencing a lot of hurt and rejection. I was at a women's weekend conference and was in worship when I began to laugh. Laugh uncontrollably.

This was not a good situation. There were some people in the church that were unhappy with my ways of worship - raising my hands, dancing, kneeling, shouting. And now I was in the front row - laughing - laughing uncontrollably - during praise and worship.

I clamped my hands over my mouth and got down on my knees, putting my face towards the floor. And shook with laughter.

Psalms 126:2 says, "Then was our mouth filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing: then said they among the heathen, The LORD hath done great things for them." and Proverbs 17:22 says, "A joyful heart is good medicine, But a broken spirit dries up the bones."

Very honestly, I had never had anything like this happen before but I knew it was the Holy Spirit. As I laughed, I got stronger. My heart began to heal and I felt 'fortified.'

Later, I read a testimony by Cindy Jacobs. She was with a group of believers and they were praying for a little girl who was gravely ill. She was not expected to live. And as they were praying, Cindy was overcome with laughter! She was horrified and who wouldn't be? Here she was praying for a little girl who might be dying and she was laughing. And as she laughed, the little girl was completely healed!

I know some of you out there may have heard of the laughing that has happened with different ministries. I've heard of it, too. And I am not supporting or criticizing anyone that's been a part of this. I can't judge it. And neither can you. But I know that since having this happen the first time, it has happened often to me.

When the Holy Spirit's Presence comes on me, I almost always cry. Yeah, I'm a crier. I just get overwhelmed with the goodness and beauty of God. But since the first time this happened, there is almost always a little laughter mixed in with the tears. There's been times that I'm sure I look like a crazy woman! I've learned to live with it - lol!

I was with a group of about 40 believers one night at a church and it came on me in a big way. I was among 'friends', people who get me, so I just let it flow. And I lay on the floor for an hour, laughing. People started coming over and touching me and then they would begin to laugh, too. It's my idea of a good party.

When the Holy Spirit came to the earth on The Day of Pentecost (Acts Chap 2) many thought those that had received it were drunk. Ephesians 5:18 tells us not to be drunk with wine but to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Some translations say, "but be drunk in the Spirit". I'm always tempted to ask those that quote this verse as a stand against wine - "But have you ever been 'drunk' in the Spirit?" because that's part of this verse. There's an exhortation here to be drunk in the Spirit.

I have a dear friend, whose walk with the Lord and discernment I really respect, who became very offended one night when someone began laughing. We had come to the service together so I was really happy in that moment that it wasn't me. (Sorry, Lord.) Because I truly never want to be ashamed of what God is doing! And I never want to quench the Holy Spirit and stop what He is doing. And He gets to do what He wants. And who knows what this woman was going through. God knew. And she laughed for a long time. I understood and I was a little envious.

Luke 10:21 says that, "He (Jesus) rejoiced greatly in the Holy Spirit. This word 'rejoiced' literally means that Jesus twirled and danced and laughed.

If it's good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!

love and blessings~

Columns, Devotionals

Laughter is Good Medicine

Faux Report

New Study Finds That Most Probiotics Don’t Do Anything To Aid Health, Digestion

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Most of the strains of probiotics out there do nothing to improve digestive health according to a recent product study, but the claim of digestive health is so common thanks to lax FDA rules on medical claims; Most strains on the market are completely ineffective or at least not proven effective.

UCLA researcher Adrienne Labrosse says they have found most probiotics tested have little to no effect. They may not even have live bacteria by the time the consumer uses the product.

“Unless you have your own petri dish and microscope at home, there’s no way to tell what you’re ingesting even has live cultures. The FDA does not require the strains to be listed, so it is difficult for the consumer to tell the difference between one probiotic and the next, and there are hundreds of different species,” said Labrosse. “Even researchers are unsure what strain does what in the digestive process. They know there is naturally occurring bacteria in the gut, and assume it helps digestion, but at this point it’s mostly a bunch of speculation.”

Probiotic user Deborah Nutter insists she has seen improvements in her health and will continue using these products. “I love my microscopic little friends. I like to thank them by name as I eat them. Thank you, Mr. Lactobacilli. I love you, little L Plantarum. I love those guys. They make my tummy so happy, and my shits are as regular as a baby’s.”

Faux Report

Presidential Candidate Ben Carson Arrested On Fraud Charges

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Dr. Ben Carson has reportedly been arrested on charges of fraud after it was revealed that the presidential candidate was not actually black.

According to reports, Dr. Ben Carson was born white, and later changed his skin tone to get ahead in his primary field of surgical medicine.

“It’s very, very easy for a black man to get a job as a surgeon, or any doctor in any field, really,” said Dr. Miles Jones, head of medicine at Cambridge. “Affirmative Action basically makes it extremely easy for anyone who is black to get a job. Employers can’t risk not hiring someone who is African-American on the off-chance that they might get sued for racial discrimination.”

While Dr. Carson has not officially made a statement, a team of democratic naysayers have reportedly unearthed Ben Carson’s original birth certificate, which lists Carson as Caucasian. Dr. Carson’s legal team, as well as his campaign team, maintain that he is, and always has been, African-American.

Carson is being questioned by D.C. Police on charges of defrauding the public and gross misuse of campaign funds, after it was questioned whether or not a white man could actually receive money if the person donating thought it was going to a black man.

Symphony