Tag Archives: Headlines

Faux Report

HIV Needles Are Being Placed on Gas Pump Handles – Over 40 People Already Infected

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JACKSONVILLE, Florida – 

Captain Abraham Sands of the Jacksonville, Florida Police Department released a statement cautioning people about a new, dangerous event that has been happening throughout the state.

“I have been asked by state and local authorities to write this email in order to get the word out to car drivers of a very dangerous prank that is occurring in numerous states,” said Sands. “Some person or persons have been affixing hypodermic needles to the underside of gas pump handles. These needles appear to be infected with HIV positive blood. In the Jacksonville area alone there have been 17 cases of people being stuck by these needles over the past five months. We have verified reports of at least 12 others in various states around the country.”

It is believed that these may be copycat incidents, as this crime has happened in the past, and was a popular “prank” in the early 1990s. At this point no one has been arrested, and police say catching the perpetrator or perpetrators has become a top priority.

“Shockingly, of the 17 people who where stuck, eight have tested HIV positive and because of the nature of the disease, the others could test positive in a couple years, according to physicians,” said Sands. “If you do find a needle affixed to one, immediately contact your local police department so they can collect the evidence. It is IMPERATIVE that you check the handle of the pump before you grab it. It could save your life.”

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Faux Report

BREAKING: President Trump Hospitalized After Eating a Piece of Poisoned Halloween Candy

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump has reportedly been rushed to the emergency room after becoming extremely ill and vomiting after eating a piece of Halloween candy. White House officials and police are remaining tight-lipped, but an anonymous staffer has confirmed that authorities believe the candy was poisoned.

“Trump decided that he wanted to dress up and trick-or-treat through the White House, and so every person on staff was required to stand in a doorway with a bowl of candy, and wait for President Trump to come and collect some,” said the staffer. “We do not know from which person or room the tainted candy may have come, but police are investigating.”

At this time, there is no further word on the President’s condition. This is the first known case of a poisoning perpetrated on Halloween of a President.

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Faux Report

Trump Sues Couple Who Name Their Son In His Honor

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BOISE, Idaho – 

Marissa and Alex Murphy of Idaho say they have been Donald Trump supporters “since the beginning,” and are adamant that he will help to Make America Great Again. They are such strong fans that they named their newborn son in his honor: Donald Trump Murphy. But the naming has apparently caused them a great deal of issues, as President Trump has reportedly filed a lawsuit against the couple.

“Donald Trump is suing us for breach of copyright and trademark,” said Marissa, 30. “We named our son Donald because we love President Trump. This was supposed to be something beautiful, but we are so distressed. It would cost us a lot to have his name changed at this point, but President Trump is suing us anyway, saying that no one else can be named Donald Trump. He apparently has a copyright on his own name.”

President Trump could not be reached for comment, but a spokesman from the White House did admit there was a lawsuit pending. The amount is undisclosed, but the Murphys say it is for $3 million.

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Faux Report

President Trump Pardons Himself For Years of Sexual Assaults and Abuse

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump pardoned himself this morning for what he says are years of “alleged” sexual assault accusations, as well as rumblings of abuse. Despite the President not being formally charged with any crimes, many women have accused him of sexual misconduct over the years, all of which he has denied.

“In the wake of my good friend, Mister Harvey Weinstein, being viciously attacked by the media over abuse charges, I felt it was time to act in advance of any legal or civil charges being lobbied my way,” said President Trump. “Although I adamantly deny that I have ever been sexually inappropriate with any woman, especially the ugly ones who always accuse me of doing so, I have fully pardoned myself of any and all crimes and charges.”

While it was pointed out to the president that he could neither pardon himself, nor could he pre-pardon someone for crimes they have not been charged with, Trump remained steadfast in his decision that he had been fully pardoned.

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Faux Report

Harvey Weinstein Put Into Witness Protection After Reportedly Ratting on Sex Offenders, Pedophiles to FBI

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Former Hollywood producer and mogul Harvey Weinstein was recently fired from his position as CEO of The Weinstein Company after several woman accused of him of sexual assault, with more coming forward,  documenting decades of abuse. After he was also kicked out of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, Weinstein reportedly approached the FBI with a deal to list big Hollywood names of others who he knew for certain to be sex offenders or pedophiles.

“Mr. Weinstein has given us well over 500 names, and many of them are quite shocking,” said FBI director Martin Roberts. “When we eventually move from investigation to arrests, many people will be extremely shocked and surprised at the people we take in. These are the creme de la creme of Hollywood elite, many of them are huge A-list stars.”

There has long been talk of a secret ring of sex offenders and pedophilia that was rampant in Hollywood, but Harvey Weinstein’s downfall was just “the tip of the iceberg” according to Roberts.

“We have since worked out a deal with Weinstein, the details of which are not up for discussion at this time,” said Roberts. “He has, though, been  moved in to witness protection, as many of the people he named had far-reaching power, and we are uncertain of his safety at this time.”

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Faux Report

Major Hollywood Actress Comes Forward With Shocking Revelation: ‘I’ve Never Been Raped’

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

A Hollywood actress recently gave an interview with People Magazine, and made a startling revelation about her time in Tinsel Town.

“I’ve never been raped, not even a little bit,” said the actress, who for now is keeping her identity a secret in fear that her story could cause her to miss out on roles. “I’ve worked with almost every major producer in town, at every studio, and not a single one has ever even tried to touch me, or show me their genitals, or even made a slight pass.”

Many actresses are stepping up recently, with accusations against major Hollywood players, including Harvey Weinstein, former head of The Weinstein Company, who has since been fired and even release from The Academy over accusations of sexual assault.

“I’ve worked with Harvey, and he was fine with me, but I definitely believe what these other women are saying,” said the actress. “You have to understand that Hollywood is a machine of pure sex. People use it to make or break their careers, and that’s not even getting into how deep it can go when we’re talking about child actors, and pedophilia.”

The news comes as a major shock that an actress, who did reveal that she is an Oscar winner and has worked in Hollywood for more than two decades, has never been assaulted.

“Frankly, I’m surprised to find that any woman hasn’t been raped in Hollywood, so it’s definitely a surprise,” said a top film producer who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, I’ve worked with a lot of women over the years, and I’ve definitely at least gave them a quick grope or flashed myself, or sent a dick pic. So it’s really kind of crazy to find out there’s one that we haven’t gotten to yet.”

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Faux Report

Trump Tweets His Support for Federal Legalization of Marijuana

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump recently admitted to “hitting the bong” in a brave tweet, in which he called for legalization of marijuana at the federal level. The President said that he was wrong, and it seems things may be changing. Trump tweeted earlier today:

“Now that I have actually tried hitting the bong, I realize I was wrong. Marijuana should DEFINITELY be legal at the federal level. So dank.”

There was no further word on whether President Trump planned to make changes to the laws banning marijuana, but pot smokers everywhere are rejoicing.

“Oh man, that’s dope as hell,” said stoner Derek Paul after reading the tweet from the President. “I hated this dude, but if he’s gonna be hit the bowl, too, and gonna make the shit legal, then I respect the hell out of him. That’s awesome.”

Trump did not mention the tweet in a press conference that was held only hours later, although several times he was asked to elaborate on “hitting the bong” by journalists.

 

 

 

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Faux Report

Louisville Coach Rick Pitino Just Used His Contract Buyout To Purchase The Playboy Mansion

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LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – 

Louisville coach Rick Pitino, one of the winningest coaches in NCAA history who has won 770 games and two national championships and made seven Final Four appearances while also weathering multiple scandals, was put on unpaid leave Wednesday, after he was accused of secretly partnering with Adidas to funnel nearly $100,000 to the family of an elite prospect.

In response, Pitino asked for his release, which would entail a full contract buyout, ringing it at over $40 million dollars. His first purchase? The Playboy Mansion.

“I’ve wanted to buy the mansion for as long as I can remember, that grotto is a dream,” said Pitino. “Hugh Hefner was a legend, and a personal idol. He was smart, business savvy, and could – and did – have every girl he ever wanted. His death is tragic, but thankfully, his death has granted me my ultimate wish…to become the new owner of his Playboy Mansion.”

In 2015, a self-proclaimed escort named Katina Powell claimed in a tell-all book that she had been part of over 20 parties set up by the school for basketball players. The parties would bring in prostitutes to engage in sex acts with recruits to entice them to attend the college. At the time, Pitino had said he had “no knowledge” of the parties, but his most recent purchase may indicate otherwise, at least in the eyes of detractors.

“No, I definitely didn’t know of any sex parties at the school, or for players,” said Pitino. “All I know is what I heard afterwards. I wasn’t even invited, which is a total drag. I will tell you that I know of a lot of upcoming sex parties, you can bet on that. I won’t say when, but everyone absolutely knows where.”

Pitino has been the head coach in Louisville for almost 2 decades, but says that being put on leave might be the best thing that ever happened to him.

“I was upset at first, but in retrospect, sports aren’t forever. They’re not tangible, they’re nothing. They’re just in the now,” said Pitino. “You know what’s forever? The Playboy Mansion. That’s forever. It’s legendary. I can’t wait to move in and try it out…if you know what I mean.”

The sale is expected to go through within the next few weeks, as soon as Pitino’s contract payment is processed.

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Faux Report

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell Steps Down After Controversy Over National Anthem

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has announced that he will step down from his position in light of the recent events surrounding players on several teams kneeling or sitting during the National Anthem. President Trump recently blamed Goodell for the behavior of the players, and said that he “should be ashamed” of himself.

“I am extremely ashamed, and I am embarrassed by the behavior of these players,” said Goodell. “President Trump is absolutely right that this is my fault. I allowed this to happen, and the players should be fired – but that’s not my decision to make anymore, as I am stepping down from this position.”

Goodell says that it isn’t just the recent events that lead him to this decision.

“Did you see the number of towels, t-shirts, and flags with my picture on it? Me, with a clown nose,” said Goodell. “I honestly just couldn’t take it. I ordered all broadcasters to not mention it at all, but there must have been 60 to 70,000 people wearing the shirts at the Patriots opener. It’s just too much pressure, and I’m done.”

The NFL has not yet said who they play to put in charge at this time, as they were “completely blindsided” by Goodell’s departure.

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Faux Report

Equifax To Give Everyone Perfect 850 Credit Scores As Apology For Data Breach

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

After a massive data breach that released sensitive information on nearly every single American, which caused a widespread panic over compromised data and credit scores, Equifax has announced that they are completely wiping out any remaining credit information, and that everyone would in turn be given an 850 credit score – the best available.

“While we maintain that this breach could have happened to any bureau or organization, and that we are not solely to blame, we understand what a breach of this magnitude means to the people of America,” said Equifax CEO Richard Smith, only moments before he stepped down as head of the credit bureau. “So, as an apology, we have decided to increase everyone’s scores to a higher level. The highest level, actually – 850. This should alleviate many concerns from the public.”

Equifax has commented that they have “100% re-secured their data,” and that the 850 scores will roll out in waves, based on last names and social security numbers. Having the 850 on Equifax could drastically increase credit ratings for many Americans, as loan companies – include those that offer credit cards, home loans, and car loans, base their credit decisions on the average of the 3 companies.

“Basically, someone who had a 350 score before, which is the lowest you can have, at all 3 bureaus, would now instantly go up to a 516 average,” said Smith. “Because most Americans have sub-prime credit scores that hover around 500-600, many of them will see their scores rise upwards of 100 points.”

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Faux Report

President Trump Tweets That NFL Players Who Kneel in Protest Are ‘Secret Gays’

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump made a controversial tweet earlier today, commenting that any player in the NFL who kneels during the National Anthem are secretly gay, and that they’re just on their knees to think about “sucking all the dicks.”

The tweet has been reposted and favorited tens of thousands of times, with many people commenting that they’re in 100% agreement with the President.

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“Frankly, I’m sick and tired of these NFL bitches thinking they can do whatever they want, say whatever they want, act however they want, and get away with it,” said Freddie Jones, 34, from Atlanta, on Facebook. “I’ve  been a Falcons fan my whole life, but I’m paying them to play a game when I buy a ticket, not kneel down like a bunch of fags. Stand up for our anthem, Goddamnit.”

No official comment has been made by the NFL at the time of this writing, and President Trump said that he would respond to “any one of those dick gazers” that responded in dissent.

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Faux Report

Donald Trump Makes MASSIVE Donation of Play-Doh To Texas Flood Victims; ‘They Need Things To Do and To Have Fun’

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DALLAS-FORT WORTH, Texas – 

President Trump visited some of the cities that have been almost completely washed away by Hurricane Harvey, bringing not only a positive message, but a MASSIVE donation of Play-Doh.

“These kids, and these people, everyone, all of them were affected by their homes being washed out from under them, WOOSH!” said President Trump. “They don’t have anything anymore. They don’t have a house or a toilet. These kids, they have no toys. They need toys, and they need to still be children, and not let themselves get too down because their house is gone now. So I have brought with me nearly 400 pallets of Play-Doh, and I want everyone to take a case for free.”

President Trump seemed to be extremely excited by the opportunity to give the Play-Doh, but most residents were not amused.

“It would be great if we had a place to go, maybe some goddamn food,” said one resident. “I mean, I guess I will just eat this fucking Play-Doh, though. Maybe I’ll build myself a new house out of it while I’m at it. Shit, this is the best day of my life.”

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Faux Report

Donald Trump Makes MASSIVE Donation of Play-Doh To Texas Flood Victims; ‘They Need Things To Do and To Have Fun’

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DALLAS-FORT WORTH, Texas – 

President Trump visited some of the cities that have been almost completely washed away by Hurricane Harvey, bringing not only a positive message, but a MASSIVE donation of Play-Doh.

“These kids, and these people, everyone, all of them were affected by their homes being washed out from under them, WOOSH!” said President Trump. “They don’t have anything anymore. They don’t have a house or a toilet. These kids, they have no toys. They need toys, and they need to still be children, and not let themselves get too down because their house is gone now. So I have brought with me nearly 400 pallets of Play-Doh, and I want everyone to take a case for free.”

President Trump seemed to be extremely excited by the opportunity to give the Play-Doh, but most residents were not amused.

“It would be great if we had a place to go, maybe some goddamn food,” said one resident. “I mean, I guess I will just eat this fucking Play-Doh, though. Maybe I’ll build myself a new house out of it while I’m at it. Shit, this is the best day of my life.”

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Maine Becomes the First State to Legalize Ecstasy

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AUGUSTA, Maine – 

Maine has been in the news all year for legalizing marijuana for recreational use, and apparently legalizing weed was only the beginning. Following on the heels of the wave of marijuana legalization, some might be surprised to hear that Maine state legislature has decided to legalize the popular street drug Ecstasy. Recreational use of will become fully legal in the state by the end of this year.

The decision was met with controversy but “no more or less than the original decision to legalize marijuana,” Governor Paul LePage stated.

The state is still working out some guidelines and ground rules for suppliers, such as purity levels, permits, and health code requirements. While LePage says the vote was popular among a lot of people in the state, his decision came as a shock for many Mainers. Governor LePage did not comment on whether or not he partakes in the drug himself.

“By legalizing, monitoring, and taxing ecstasy, we will not only cut down on inmates and care costs, it will also open up a whole new job market,” LePage explains. “It’s a good situation all around, especially for taxpayers.”

Some of the most outspoken opponents, however, have been current drug dealers.

“Making it legal is a terrible idea,” a dealer, who chose to remain anonymous, told Empire News. “We don’t want regulated. We’re killing it stacking paper right now, but regular guys like me won’t be able to keep up with all the government regulations. This is gonna put me out of a job!”

Despite the negative press, experts estimate this legalization will drop the state’s debt by as much as 50% in the first year. This may translate into tax cuts, more public projects, better road maintenance, and possibly even government rehabilitation programs for more dangerous drugs like cigarettes.

“If they want people to not buy drugs legally, then for crying out loud they should shut down every Starbucks in the United States,”said LePage. “Marijuana, ecstasy, crack…hell, what’s the difference? The revenue the state will bring in, it’s astronomical. Health is one thing, but we’re talking about money here.”

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