Tag Archives: Faux Report

Faux Report

China Creates Ministry Dedicated to Reminding the World That Japan Is Bad

NANJING — To commemorate the 77th anniversary of the Nanjing Massacre, China’s State Council has established an entirely new ministry dedicated to reminding the world that Japan is bad.

Aptly named the Ministry of Japan Is Bad, the organ is responsible for constantly reminding the world about Japanese atrocities during World War II, releasing daily reports about whether Japan as apologized sufficiently for said atrocities, and tracking which Japanese politicians have visited or are planning to visit the Yasukuni Shrine.

“We must not forget the atrocities committed by the Japanese government any more than we should remember those committed by our own.”

“Too long has Japan suppressed the truth regarding its involvement in World War II,” said newly appointed Japan Is Bad Minister Wang Hongwen. “Since the Japanese will not, the task of vouchsafing the historical truth for future generations falls to us.”

Though the ministry was only established two days ago, it has hit the ground running.

According to a preliminary budget, the ministry intends to construct a Nanjing Massacre memorial in every country, encourage primary schools around the world to reenact the massacre on its anniversary, and ensure the availability of Japanese flags in China for burning, impromptu protests or other anti-Japanese activities.

In related news, the State Council established another ministry over the weekend dedicated to suppressing the knowledge of the Tiananmen Square protests.

When asked about the apparent hypocrisy, Wang said, “We must not forget the atrocities committed by the Japanese government any more than we should remember those committed by our own.”

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Faux Report

U.S. Tech Leaders Welcome Man Responsible for Blocking Their Sites

BEIJING — This week, photos surfaced which show American tech leaders rolling out the red carpet to welcome Lu Wei, the Chinese official responsible for blocking their sites, keeping their sites blocked and perhaps blocking them in the future.

At Facebook headquarters, CEO Mark Zuckerberg gave Lu a tour of his office and showcased all kinds of features that the latter would never allow his countrymen to use.

“It was so great to meet the man who will continue to keep Facebook blocked, despite my shameless pandering,” said Zuckerberg.

“It was so great to meet the man who will continue to keep Facebook blocked.”

Lu received a similarly warm welcome at Apple, where CEO Tim Cook demoed the new Apple Watch, which the Chairman of the State Internet Information Office had no intention of ever using.

“Though Apple has had a great partnership with China so far, [Lu] assured me that at some point in the future he planned to place arbitrary restrictions on our iTunes service, unilaterally and without warning,” said Cook. “What a great guy!”

For his part, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos lauded Lu’s “extraordinary vision” and had nothing but praise for “the man tasked with enacting the Chinese government’s protectionist policies to restrict the spread of foreign competitors like Amazon in order to promote domestic firms.”

“I hope he visits us again,” Bezos added.

According to sources present, Lu very much enjoyed his trip to the West Coast and lamented he didn’t have time to stop by Twitter, Google, LinkedIn, or any of the other hundreds of sites he planned to keep blocked or was thinking of blocking.

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Faux Report

STUDY: U.S. Now More Racist Against Blacks than China

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to a new study by the NAACP, China is no longer the most racist country when it comes to discrimination against black people. Due to the high-profile cases of Mike Brown and Eric Garner, which sparked protests across the country, that distinction now belongs to the United States.

“This is great news for the Chinese nation,” said Vice Foreign Minister Xu Jing at a press conference on Friday. “We are no longer the most overtly racist people in the world. Not through any effort of our own, but thanks to the rising tide of police brutality in America.”

“Rest assured black people, the main target of our political and legal violence will always be the Chinese themselves.”

Though China has been recognized as the country most racist against blacks for decades, the latest study shows that while individual Chinese might harbor regressive views, the political and legal systems at large are mostly colorblind.

“Although Chinese people will often feel a black person’s hair or assume they sell drugs, very few pose a physical threat,” said East China Normal University professor Liu Yuanping. “Certainly no black person has been murdered by the police for selling untaxed cigarettes.”

China hopes that its recent downgrade in racism will encourage more African-Americans to travel to and work in China.

“We welcome our dark-skinned friends from the U.S.,” said Xu. “Come see for yourself that somehow we are not as racist as people from your own country.”

Xu vowed that his ministry would work with the Ministry of Public Security and local law enforcement bureaus to ensure the safety of any black travelers.

“Though China still is a very racist place,” he said, “Rest assured black people, the main target of our political and legal violence will always be the Chinese themselves.”

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Faux Report

Chinese Government Bans Puns

Last week, the State Administration for Press, Publication, Radio, Film and Television ordered media to cease the “irregular and inaccurate use of the Chinese language, especially the misuse of idioms.” Here are the feelings of the Chinese people.

“I guess you could say the government is done wordplaying around.”
“What is the, ahem, punishment for disobedience?”
“I guess the Chinese government is finally watching its language, but it sounds more like character assassination.”
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Faux Report

Expat Decides Partly Overheard Chinese Conversation “Probably Racist”

BEIJING — While traveling on the Line 10 subway after finishing his tutoring work Monday evening, Beijing-based Jake Gryczynski spent approximately 35 seconds attempting to decipher a loud conversation between two middle-aged Chinese women before deciding that what they were saying was “probably racist.”

The 37-year-old Idaho native, who has yet to learn more than rudimentary Chinese despite working in China for 15 years, went so far as to remove one iPod earphone and tilt his head slightly in an attempt to better distinguish individual syllables from the stream of idiomatic Mandarin that, he concluded with complete confidence, was more than likely a scathing and expletive-ridden diatribe against him and the entire Western world.

“Sure, my Chinese is pretty basic, but I picked out the words, ‘America,’ and ‘not good,’” he said. “It doesn’t take Noam Chomsky to figure out they were laying into American and white European culture.”

“It doesn’t take Noam Chomsky to figure out they were laying into American and white European culture.”

“The thing about Chinese people,” Gryczynski continued, “is they think you don’t know exactly what they’re talking about. They think you’re just an ignorant schmo who will blithely sit there while they systematically undermine your culture and spit on your heritage.”

Gryczynski went on to explain that he “didn’t want to cause a scene,” so he merely glared at the two women and flipped them off while exiting the carriage, expressing satisfaction that “the looks on their faces told me they got the message.”

“They’re gonna think twice before deriding the noble tradition of Western democracy again, or calling me a pasty turd, as I’m certain they were doing on that occasion,” he said.

Chinese passengers on the same train, however, expressed puzzlement at Gryczynski’s behavior.

“I thought he had mental problems,” said commuter Wendy Tang, who was reportedly sitting opposite Gryczynski during his brief journey. “He kept clearing his throat loudly and eyed everyone in the carriage like we were going to kill him.”

“The worst thing was when he gave the finger to those two nice ladies who were worried that Americans couldn’t make a good living in China,” said Tang. “I guess they noticed that he hadn’t showered in a while.”

In related news, a two foreigners were assaulted in Sanlitun over the weekend when a Chinese clubgoer thought he made out the words “fuck” and “China” in a conversation between two expats.

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Faux Report

China, U.S. Agree to Focus on Environment Shortly Before It Collapses

BEIJING — In an unprecedented step toward curbing climate change, Presidents Xi Jinping and Barack Obama agreed last week to focus on the environment shortly before it collapses entirely.

As part of the agreement, the U.S. aims to cut greenhouse gas emissions by 26-28% of 2005 levels by the year 2025, when carbon in the atmosphere is expected to reach 450 parts per million, well past the point of no return for preventing a runaway greenhouse effect on Earth.

“Now is the time to promise to do something later,” President Obama told reporters. “If we don’t promise to do something later now, when we do promise to do something later later, it will definitely be too late.”

For its part, China has pledged to cap its growing carbon emissions by 2030, when rising sea levels due to melting polar ice is expected to fully submerge Kiribati and the Seychelles.

“We will not be able to save the Maldives or Tuvalu, but there might still be hope for Micronesia.”

“As the world’s largest emitter of greenhouse gas, we have a duty to the planet,” said President Xi, before leaving for a ribbon-cutting ceremony at a new coal-fired power plant.

“We might not be able to save the Maldives or Tuvalu,” he added. “But there is still hope for Micronesia.”

Though neither leader will be in power when the deadlines arrive, both Xi and Obama emphasized the need for an informal, non-binding agreement.

“Both Xi and I are committed to giving saving the planet the old college try,” Obama said. “But, who knows, it might not work out.”

Leaders of low-lying and island countries around the world praised the bilateral agreement, and hoped their citizens would survive long enough to see it make a difference.

“If we are not completely underwater in 15 years and survive the extreme weather and flooding wrought by climate change, we will have China and the U.S. to thank,” said Palau’s President Tommy Remengesau.

At press time, in response to Xi and Obama’s historic agreement, the governments of China and America were passing legislation to ensure their respective countries never reach the proposed goals.

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Leaders of China, Japan, Philippines and Vietnam to Settle Island Disputes with Fight to the Death

BEIJING — Hailed as one of the biggest success stories to come out of APEC, the heads-of-state of China, Japan, the Philippines and Vietnam agreed on Tuesday to settle their territory disputes in the South China Sea with a classic, no-holds-barred fight to the death.

“We exhausted all other options,” said Philippine President Beningo Aquino III. “It’s the only way.”

In a rare interview with state media, Chinese President Xi Jinping revealed that the decisive battle will be a free-for-all held in Olympic Forest Park where “the only rule is there are no rules.”

“This brawl will be a turning point in global diplomacy.”

According to Xi, the park will be walled off and transformed into a Hunger Games-style battleground, complete with weapon caches and hidden traps.

“We will have to rely on our wits to survive,” said Vietnam’s President Truong Tan Sang.

Speaking at a press conference, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe said the respective heads-of-state have settled on a winner-take-all system, with the lone survivor’s country staking claim to all disputed islands in the South China Sea, including the Senkaku/Diaoyu, Paracel and Spratly Islands.

“This brawl will be a turning point in global diplomacy,” Abe said. “And I do not intend to lose.”

The leaders will have one week to train and prepare before the showdown on November 18.

At press time, Xi was studying a topographical map of Olympic Forest Park and trying to get an advance copy of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire.

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Faux Report

Beijing Euthanizes Poor People Ahead of APEC

BEIJING — To ensure world leaders see a clean and beautiful city, the Beijing government has euthanized millions of the city’s poor ahead of the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation summit, which begins today.

“We need to put our best foot forward when it comes to APEC,” said Beijing deputy mayor Li Jun. “It’s nothing personal.”

Last week, the city issued a statement warning poor people to stay out of the capital during the six-day meeting.

“Any impoverished citizen seen within Fifth Ring Road will be euthanized, in accordance with the law.”

“To protect the image of the Chinese people and ensure a harmonious summit,” the statement read, “any impoverished citizen seen within Fifth Ring Road from November 7-12 will be detained and euthanized, in accordance with the law.”

Though the draconian measure has attracted criticism from human rights organizations, this isn’t the first time a Chinese municipality has taken strict measures to ensure the success of a high-profile event.

Before the World Expo in 2010, the Shanghai government packed the city’s migrant workers into buses and drove them off a cliff.

Though it’s too early to tell whether Beijing’s euthanization program will improve the city’s image as a world-class metropolis, Russian President Vladimir Putin allegedly said that the city was “remarkably free of riff-raff” on his way in from the airport.

At press time, the APEC meetings were proceeding smoothly, though, due to the ban on poor people, there was no one left to pour tea, empty trash, open doors or pamper guests.

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Yao Ming Shot by Poachers

NAIROBI — Former basketball star Yao Ming has been shot and killed by ivory poachers in Kenya, sources confirmed yesterday.

The longtime anti-poaching activist was reportedly feeding on vegetation near one of his preferred watering holes in Aberdares National Park when he was ambushed by hunters, who shot him three times with a high-powered rifle.

The poachers then sawed off Yao’s large, alabaster tusks and left the carcass in the bush, where it was discovered by park rangers the following morning.

“I recognized that hulking silhouette immediately, even in the dawn light,” said ranger Julie Girrach. “I secretly hoped it would be another member of the herd and not the former Houston Rockets player, but as soon as I saw that square jaw, I knew.”

An inspection of Yao’s carcass revealed scars suggesting that the former Laureus Breakthrough of the Year Award winner had been shot several times by poachers in the past, but the low-caliber weapons used had prevented the bullets from penetrating his thick hide.

World-class basketball players are critically endangered in China.

The prized tusks of the popular WildAid ambassador, valued at several hundred thousand dollars apiece, were sawed off at the root, and are likely destined for the international black market.

A spokesperson for the Kenyan government announced that Yao wanted to buried along with other members of his adoptive herd in the “elephant graveyard” maintained in Aberdare, although the Chinese government has requested that his skeleton be repatriated to facilitate further study of his species.

World-class basketball players are critically endangered in China, and the domestic breeding program has lost countless specimens to the NBA draft.

For Yao’s former wardens, however, nothing can lessen the grief of losing one of their most popular companions.

“Yao will most likely end up on some Chinese CEO’s mantelpiece,” said Girrach. “Few people understand there’s more beauty to be found in watching a magnificent beast like Yao for five minutes in the wild than a lifetime of staring at some ivory Buddha gathering dust on a shelf.”

This is not the time a WildAid spokesperson has fallen victim to illegal poaching. In 2012, kung fu star Jet Li was caught in a net and finned by unlicensed shark fishermen while swimming off his yacht in the South China Sea.

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Faux Report

Xi Jinping Disapproves of “Weird Architecture”

In a recent speech, Chinese President Xi Jinping urged a stop to the construction of “strange-looking” buildings that have proliferated around China. Here are the feelings of the Chinese people.

“There goes that SOHO building shaped like a vulva.”
“Looks like some people just can’t handle a little postmodern deconstructivism.”
“I don’t find a building shaped like a golden penis strange.”
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