Symphony

Encore of Revival: America, April 18, 2016

Drama and theatrics! Trump and friends complain about the Colorado results long after those results were foretold—August. Generally, Americans have only responded to problems after the fact, never when those problems clearly loomed on the horizon. Trump at Colorado was no exception. Either Trump is incompetent or only complaining after the inevitable results was a brilliant staging of theatrics.

Cruz’s theatrics took their own form this week. In a display that many still can’t digest, once dinner was served, Cruz gave a boilerplate speech for any occasion, after Trump and Kasich gave NY-specific speeches before dinner. His mic kept working at the event, but the live video switched to a house mic, making him difficult to hear. Later, more sound cut out. Yet, not even Cruz’s own campaign chairman pointed out what happened. “Some mic problems” was his dismissive concession when he should have objected. All the brilliant experts had the same false analysis—rather than reporting that the dinner plans and microphone disrupted Cruz, the as-if-choreographed coordinated-like response of the media is that Cruz was wilfully ignored by the dinner audience.

Again, Americans don’t complain at foresight, only in hindsight. Trump and Colorado’s rules, Cruz and dinner being served—everyone acts as if the obvious results were a total surprise. If truly surprised, these news pundits and personalities should resign to make room for better men than they. Conspiracy theories fly, but there is always more going on.

Consider the other conspiracy theory favorites: a staged 9/11 attack, the false Obama birth certificate… While reports of controlled demolition-style explosions and reported evidence of Thermite at Ground Zero seem convincing, the alleged pre-reporting of the second impact by Sky News and the trail of JPEG artifacts behind a plane in the video make it look more like the conspiracy was that a conspiracy be perceived. If Obama’s PDF birth certificate is valid evidence, then the IRS won’t need paper prints for tax audits anymore—unlikely as much as suspicious. But, the presence of PDF layers makes it seem as if someone at the White House wanted it to look like a fake. Once a conspiracy theory includes such obvious blunders, it is no longer valid. Either the alleged conspirators are totally incompetent—and therefore need not be so feared as theorists propose—or there was no conspiracy, only the appearance of one to serve as a rouse.

So, with Cruz and with Trump, such obvious games beg the question: What is everyone up to? Why did Cruz prepare a bland speech for an event where he wouldn’t be heard, where he was reported as being ignored as if he could be heard? Why did Trump act as if what everyone knew from August would happen in Colorado wouldn’t happen?

Consider Paul Ryan: Cruz worked to oust John Boehner. Former VP nominee Paul Ryan “didn’t want” to be Speaker, but is anyway. Now, Boehner recommends Ryan, who “doesn’t want” to be President… and the only reason people are talking about it is because Cruz won’t quit when he’s losing.

The only sure conclusion thus far is: Trump is a master at winning by losing while Cruz continues to be a master at winning by losing while pretending to try to win. That qualifies Trump amongst the most brilliant Commanders in Chief, right up there with wartime presidents W and FDR, who also roused the nation to war after their respective foreseeable attacks. As for Cruz, he is perfect to stay in the Senate. It seems that’s what he wants, whether as Ryan’s VP or as a Senator who continues to help Ryan by losing more battles during a Trump administration.

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Faux Report

World’s Fattest Man Completes Triathlon In Record-Breaking Time

fatman

LOS ANGELES, California –

The world’s fattest man, George Richards, recently finished first in a triathlon event in Los Angeles, California. Richards, who often does not leave his house, weighs nearly 700lbs, but was encouraged to run the race after he was told there was a free buffet dinner for all the runners once they finished.

“I normally don’t move that fast, but when food is involved, you can’t stop me,” said Richards. “I am always starving, I always want food. When it comes to a free buffet, you can’t stop me from getting there. It did surprise me, though, that I was able to beat all the other well-toned athletes that were running.”

Richards’ total time was 1 hour and 24 minutes, which beat the second place finisher by over 2 hours.

“I think that it was the 23 pounds of pasta I had before the race,” said Richards. “All those carbs, they really propelled me. The sad thing is, the buffet dinner wasn’t even that good.”

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Faux Report

Obama’s White House Thanksgiving Dinner Reportedly Only Allowed Black Guests, Only White Servers

white house dinner

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to reports from the White House, the president’s annual Thanksgiving dinner was serviced entirely but white waiters and waitresses, and invitations were sent only to African-Americans, calling some to cry reverse racism.

“I don’t see the problem here,” said President Obama. “All the wait staff were paid incredible wages. They all got to take home the leftovers. All the guests paid to be here, with all the money going to charity. No one seemed hurt by the fact that it was all my black homies at the dinner being served by a bunch of crackers, lease of all the whiteys themselves.”

Republicans who are critical of Obama say that having such a sordid event in the White House only seemed to further the President’s bad name.

“If he had included a couple Mexicans or something at the dinner, then it might not have been so obvious and so brash,” said white Republican Jon Smith. “But, making the dinner an exclusively black affair and then forcing white people to slave away like that? It’s disgusting.”

For his part, Obama said that it really wasn’t done on purpose, it’s just that white people were the only one cleared to be allowed to work in the White House.

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