Tag Archives: depression

Symphony

Encore of Revival: America, September 16, 2019

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92cVA_EwNI0

America faces a crossroads. We have enemies mounting against us. Great monsters, fed and allowed to grow, are coming back to haunt us, hunt us, and devour us. It's scary. And, there is a natural tendency to negotiate and avoid provoking wrath of what already wants to eat us.

Some Americans—many, perhaps—have done very bad things in the past. But, many of us learn and improve. Others of us fought against the injustice. Like any nation, America needs to heal, grow, fight the bad, and strengthen the good. We don't need to all lay down and die as our enemies want.

Death comes like a burglar, sneaking in the night. It seeks to isolate, frighten, paralyze first with fear, then with venom, and finally consume. Death makes us long for fear and even death itself. Don't follow its poisonous seduction.

When a people find their heart, no matter how dark times have become, they have what they need to overcome any obstacle. The greatest battle is not over land or law, nor waged with guns or swords, but over the heart and fought with the heart.

We face trying, fearful times. By standing on our values, no matter the cost, we will pay a lesser price in the long run anyway.

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Faux Report

Psychiatrist Says That He Has Discovered ‘Cure’ For Depression

depression

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A psychiatrist in Boston says that he has found the perfect cure for clinical depression, and it will get many people off their lifelong medications.

“I have discovered that the cure is quite simple,” said Dr. Marvin Leroy, of Boston. “When I have a patient come in and tell me they’re feeling depressed, I simply tell them to cheer up, and stop being such a Debby-Downer. As of right now, I have a 100% success rate, as not a single patient of mine returns for a follow-up visit.”

Dr. Leroy says he plans to publish his findings in the next Harvard Medical Journal, which is published bi-yearly.

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Faux Report

Huffing Your Own Feces Can Help To Cure Depression Symptoms

poop

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Gavaland University in Boston, Massachusetts, have discovered what they say is a “cure” for long-term depression and bi-polar symptoms, and it’s been staring you in the rear-end the entire time. The research team has concluded that people who consistently huff and smell their own feces will lead happier, healthier lives.

“The more often you smell your own gas, or your own feces, the happier you will be,” said Dr. Richard Kimball, who headed the study. “As it was so eloquently put in one of those Austin Powers movies, ‘Everyone likes the smell of their own brand.’ This, it turns out, is extremely true, to the point that smelling your own gas or feces will actually brighten and calm your moods.”

Dr. Kimball says that they followed the effects over 4 years on 200 patients, all of whom were required to sniff their poop in front of the doctors, multiple times a day, over the course of the study.

“At first it was weird taking a shit in front of a doctor, but they said it was because they didn’t want anyone to be swapping their shit with someone else’s, because it would ruin the study,” said Maria Johnson, who was one of the first to sign up. “At any rate, it turns out that my mood really was lifted from sniffing shit, so I’m glad I took part.”

The study participants were not given anything for their help in the research other than a high-fiber diet and a smile.

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Faux Report

Psychiatrist Prescribes Video Games To Fight Depression

video games

DELUTH, Minnesota – 

Dr. Frank Stephenson has started prescribing video games such as The Sims and World of Warcraft to his patients. He claims it treats depression better than any drug currently on the market.

“Too many of my patients life seems so pointless. Get up. Go to work. Fall deeper in debt. Never really achieve your dreams. Soon you’re in your fifties and your wife that left you is remarried and much happier now.

“The big breakthrough came for me when I gave up on trying to help people change their lives for the better. People never change. What I can do is help people escape from their droll lives. We can’t give out the good meds because those are too addictive, and face it – anti-depressants don’t give you a good buzz, so they’re basically worthless. Video games though – they can transport you to another world.”

Dr. Stephenson says video game therapy can work for all types of depression including seasonal, major, chronic, existential, and post-partum. “I’ve even had some luck with prescribing VGT to bipolar patients. Of course sometimes they’ll play for days straight during their manic phases and give up before beating the game once their depressive phase hits. Lithium usually helps with that.”

Although there are no clinical studies to back up his work, Dr. Stephenson says anyone who tries it will see. Dr. Stephenson also cautions that video game therapy should be used in moderation, and only as a temporary substitute for real life.

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Faux Report

Major Stock Crash Expected in 2016; Experts Say Invest in Commodities

stocks

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Stocks are off to their worst start since 2000, and investors a warned they could face a cataclysmic year. Experts at the Royal Bank of Scotland attribute this tensions between Iran and Saudi Arabia.

Don’t have any stocks to sell? Doomsday preparation expects advice to stock up not just on the obvious like food and oil, but commodities like alcohol and cigarettes, prices of which will soar after the price.

Tim McCain, a “doomsday prepper,” says, “It’s all well and good to have jugs of water and cans of Vienna sausages, but you got to think like an investor. What are people going to want? I’m banking on whiskey and condoms. They’re going to want to drown their troubles in their cups and indulge in a cheap whore – cause they’ll be plenty around trying to trade sex for a dozen eggs.”

“No one’s going to want to bring anymore bastard mouths into the world when daddy DHHS stops handing out those food stamps. I expect a condoms will be more in demand than guns,” said financial analyst Billie Joe Lewis. “Anyone who says food is the wave of the future isn’t planning for true catastrophe.”

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