Tag Archives: deadly

Faux Report

There’s Something WAY Worse Than TSP In Your Breakfast Cereals – This Is SCARY!

cereal

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

For the last several months, a viral article about TSP, or trisodium phosphate, being found in breakfast cereals has been causing a panic among parents and cereal addicts alike. TSP is a food preservative that has been listed as “safe” by the FDA, but is a common ingredient in cleaners such as paint thinner, and worries of sickness and disease are running rampant.

Today it was discovered, though, that there is something exponentially worse than TSP, and it is found in nearly every single breakfast cereal on the market today – especially ones aimed at children.

“We have discovered a new chemical that has been being used by many companies, including Kellog’s, General Mills, and more, in their cereals, that has been slipping past the FDA’s careful watch,” said health professional Dr. Jacob Lambert. “The chemical, commonly referred to in the scientific world as Cn(H2O)n, has been linked to hyperactivity, diabetes, some cancers, sleeplessness, stomach ailments, weight gain, high blood pressure, and elevated triglycerides – which can all be very serious.”

Dr. Lambert said that he first brought the use of the chemical to the attention of the FDA in late 2014, but that they had “no concern” over its use.

“They basically laughed me out of the building, and said that all food manufacturers has been using the Cn(H2O)n for decades, maybe longer,” said Dr. Lambert. “I tried to explain that its longtime use didn’t excuse the fact that it was causing major damage to those who were eating it, and that we were reaching epidemic proportions of people who had become ill from eating it. Obviously the FDA’s real concern is being in the back pocket of Big Cereal, and making money – not in the actual health of those eating the food.”

Dr. Lambert has cautioned parents that “nearly every single cereal” on the shelf today contains the Cn(H2O)n, and that it can be listed on the label under a multitude of names.

 

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Faux Report

There’s Something WAY Worse Than TSP In Your Breakfast Cereals – This Is SCARY!

cereal

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

For the last several months, a viral article about TSP, or trisodium phosphate, being found in breakfast cereals has been causing a panic among parents and cereal addicts alike. TSP is a food preservative that has been listed as “safe” by the FDA, but is a common ingredient in cleaners such as paint thinner, and worries of sickness and disease are running rampant.

Today it was discovered, though, that there is something exponentially worse than TSP, and it is found in nearly every single breakfast cereal on the market today – especially ones aimed at children.

“We have discovered a new chemical that has been being used by many companies, including Kellog’s, General Mills, and more, in their cereals, that has been slipping past the FDA’s careful watch,” said health professional Dr. Jacob Lambert. “The chemical, commonly referred to in the scientific world as Cn(H2O)n, has been linked to hyperactivity, diabetes, some cancers, sleeplessness, stomach ailments, weight gain, high blood pressure, and elevated triglycerides – which can all be very serious.”

Dr. Lambert said that he first brought the use of the chemical to the attention of the FDA in late 2014, but that they had “no concern” over its use.

“They basically laughed me out of the building, and said that all food manufacturers has been using the Cn(H2O)n for decades, maybe longer,” said Dr. Lambert. “I tried to explain that its longtime use didn’t excuse the fact that it was causing major damage to those who were eating it, and that we were reaching epidemic proportions of people who had become ill from eating it. Obviously the FDA’s real concern is being in the back pocket of Big Cereal, and making money – not in the actual health of those eating the food.”

Dr. Lambert has cautioned parents that “nearly every single cereal” on the shelf today contains the Cn(H2O)n, and that it can be listed on the label under a multitude of names.

 

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Faux Report

Orlando Shooter Omar Mateen Was Very Likely An Angry, Closeted Homosexual

mateen

ORLANDO, Florida –

Omar Mateen, the gunman who perpetrated the deadliest mass shooting in the history of the United States early Sunday morning, has reportedly been exposed as a closeted homosexual. As news has come out, it has been alleged that Mateen killed 50 people at a gay club named Pulse, in Orlando, Florida as a show of rampant homophobia that was compensating for his raging homosexuality.

Mateen had been seen at Pulse many times over recent years, and had even been known to use gay dating apps. Sitora Yusufiy, Mateen’s first wife, who says he was often abusive to her, told the New York Daily News that when they wed in 2009, he told her his life had previously included frequent clubbing.

Yusufiy and her fiance, Marcio Dias, appeared on Brazilian television yesterday and told the channel that “Yusufiy told him Mateen had ‘gay tendencies’ and had been called gay in front of her on several occasions by his father.”

In another interview with one of Mateen’s classmates from 2006, a period when both were enrolled in a Florida police academy, the classmate spoke anonymously with Orlando’s WFTV9, telling the station that Mateen had once asked him out on a date.

“We went to a few gay bars with him,” the classmate said, “and I was not out at the time, so I declined his offer. The classmate told the paper he thought the killer, who pledged allegiance to ISIS before the shooting spree at the nightclub, was “gay and in the closet.”

“Unfortunately, he couldn’t come out. Whether it was because of his family, his faith, or some other reason, I don’t know,” said another classmate. “All I do know is that no one has that much hatred of gay people unless they secretly want to have a dick slapped in or around their mouth. He may have called 911 to publicly confess his allegiance to ISIS, but alone in the dark, there is no doubt in my mind he was pledging his allegiance to dick.”

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Faux Report

Serial Killer Escapes From Prison, Police Issue Warning

prison

CARLSON, California – 

A serial killer who was being housed in a federal maximum security prison on death row has reportedly escaped, according to police. Paul Boucher, 47, was on death row for the murder and dismemberment of over 25 people from 1988 through 2001. He was arrested and convicted in 2014.

Police say that Boucher escaped via a prison laundry truck, but would not give further information for fear that other inmates may be able to use the same methods. Boucher is 47-years-old, is 6’1″ and weighs 220 pounds. He is white, and covered in tattoos on his left arm. He is considered extremely dangerous, and may be headed to Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, Georgia, Maine, or possibly Ontario, Canada.

“This is a very dangerous situation, and Boucher is not a good person,” said police chief Mario Sampson. “He has killed at least 25 people that we know of, but claims that he has killed hundreds more. He will often grab a person, and snap their neck, and then continue to dismember them by hand. He is considered extremely dangerous, whether armed or not.”

Anyone who sees Boucher is asked to call their local police department. Police have refused to release a picture of him, saying he is “too scary,” but to call if anyone in the area fits the description.

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Faux Report

HIV-Laced Needles Found On Gas Pump Handles In New Jersey

gas

CARLSON, New Jersey – 

Police have said that they have found several HIV-laced needles on gas pump handles throughout the city of Carlson in northern New Jersey, and that they are asking for everyone to be ‘extra cautious’ when at the pumps.

“We received an initial report of a needle found taped to the underside of a gas pump handle a few weeks ago, and since then, several other instances have occurred,” said police chief Joe Glass. “We are advising anyone who pumps their own gas in the state of New Jersey to be extremely cautious of any sharp objects taped or glued to the pump handle.”

Chief Glass says that they have had the needles found tested for HIV and other STDs, and they have come back positive.

“HIV and AIDs cannot live outside the body for very long, so the people who have been pricked are lucky, and their tests have been negative, but the needles themselves are exposed,” said Chief Glass. “Please, do not pump your own gas if you can help it, and if you do, wear gloves or other protective hand gear.”

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Faux Report

Serial Killer Escapes From Prison; Police Issue Warnings, Begin Nationwide Manhunt

prison

PHOENIX, Arizona –

Police say that 45-year-old Martin Traffords escaped from the Phoenix Federal Prison in Arizona yesterday, apparently making his way past security via a laundry truck. Traffords was arrested in 2011 for the murder and dismemberment of over 30 people, all young women and girls.

“Traffords is considered extremely dangerous, even when not armed,” said Phoenix warden of prisons Joel Goldsmith. “He murdered at least 30 people, and claims he killed hundreds more, all by snapping the necks of his victims, and pulling them apart with his hands. We are asking anyone who sees Traffords to contact us immediately or call 911.”

Traffords is described as being white, approximately 6 feet tall, and 200 pounds. He has a full-sleeve tattoo of Heaven and Hell on his left arm. He may be headed to Nevada, California, Texas, Georgia, New Hampshire, Alaska, Puerto Rico, Montreal, or Ohio.

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