Tag Archives: cash

Faux Report

Misprinted ‘Pinkbacks’ Have Made It Into Circulation, and Collectors Are Paying THOUSANDS For Them!

money

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A misprinted set of currency, being dubbed “pinkbacks” by collectors, in response to their tinted color, has made its way into everyday trade and banks, and collectors are picking them up for top dollar.

“I got a pink $100 bill when I cashed my check at the bank,” said Craig Fisher of Baltimore. “I thought it was kind of odd. At first I thought it was fake, but then I looked into it, and found out it was a very rare misprint. I ended up selling it to a collector for $15,000.”

The U.S. mint is trying, and seemingly failing, to get their hands on all of the misprinted bills. They are not saying how much currency is currently out there with the pink tint, but collectors are estimating that it is probably a small amount.

“Based on what I know about the influx of currency into the general marketplace, I’d venture to guess that there is maybe 1,000 of each of the pink $100s, $50s, and $20s, and probably only a couple hundred of the pink $10s,” said currency collector and expert, Mark Ditka. “I’ve only seen one $10 pinkback for sale so far, and I know it fetched well over $75,000.”

Ditka says that it’s “unlikely” that anyone will find one of these bills in the “real world,” as most of them have gone “underground” in the collector’s market, so that the U.S. treasury does not get their hands on them.

“But if you do find one, definitely give me a call,” said Ditka. “I’ll pay you a fortune for one.”

Standard
Faux Report

Hillary Clinton Says She Wants Her Picture To Be Featured On $20 Bill

hillarycash

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Hillary Clinton says that she “firmly believes” that she should be featured on the $20 bill, which has been being looked at by government officials to be changed to a strong woman from history. Currently, people have been voting for major game-changes such as Harriet Tubman or Rosa Parks, but Clinton said that she would be the “best choice.”

“I have overcome so much, between my political and personal career, and yet here I am, still ahead of the game, working towards becoming the first president,” said Clinton. “There is a good chance that I will go down as history when I win the election in November, so between that and my history as a stand-up woman, I honestly feel I would be a good choice.”

Clinton went on to say that standing by her philandering husband, former president Bill Clinton, was one of her “proudest moments,” and just another reason that she would be perfect to be featured on the money.

“I could have left him when he was getting his member rubbed by any greasy whore who walked into the Oval Office, but I didn’t,” said Clinton. “That shows that I’m a proud woman, who can forgive, and not at all a total fool who was made to look like an idiot in the public eye.”

Clinton says she hopes that the members of the US Mint will consider making her the new face of the $20 bill in place of Andrew Jackson.

Standard
Faux Report

Cell Phone Carriers Secretly Adding Data Overage Charges To Bills

cell phone data

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

After a year-long study conducted by the FCC, today it was announced that every single major cell phone carrier in the United States has been secretly adding extra data charges to the bills of customers, in a scheme to make more money that was allegedly concocted by the CEOs of each company.

“All the carriers have been found to be in cahoots,” said FCC spokesman Mario Redding. “They have all conspired to add costs to the bills of their customers. Sometimes, it was only a matter of a few cents. In other cases, it was several dollars, and in rare instances, it was upwards of twenty or thirty dollars in overage charges. We are still investigating the matter.”

Redding says that his job over the last year is to comb through the bills of cell phone customers, as well as the billing practices of the carriers, looking for over charging patterns.

“We expected to see very few instances of gouging, but instead, we saw it on every single bill that we looked at, going back over several years,” said Redding.

The FCC is still investigating the charges, but they did say that a layman would “never notice” the charges on his bill, because they don’t just show up as overages.

“These companies, they’re stupid, but they’re not that stupid,” said Redding. “They have their ways, and we’ve caught on, and notices have been filed. If you think you’re getting ‘free’ data on your carrier’s plan, think again. Nothing is free, nothing is unlimited. There’s always a catch, you just have to find it.”

Standard
Faux Report

Couple Renovating New Home Find $6M In Cash Stored Between Walls

cash

LINCOLN, Nebraska – 

A couple who recently purchased an old farmhouse in Lincoln, Nebraska, got a massive surprise when they began renovating their house last month. Melissa and Bryan Jenkins, both 32, purchased the house with a $10,000 down payment. The total cost of the home? $189,000.

“We are going to be able to pay off the house instantly now, with this cash. And once we do, we’re selling the hell out of it and buying a mansion,” said Melissa. “I can’t believe the dumb luck. We didn’t even want this house. It was like, our 3 or 4th choice, but the other sales fell through. So we took what we could get.”

Bryan Jenkins says that he took the first swing with the hammer at the wall, and several bills poured right out.

“We were opening up the first floor bedroom to make a bigger dining room, and cash just started raining down with every swing,” said Bryan. “We couldn’t believe it. We were almost screaming with excitement. By the end of the weekend, we’d pretty much smashed out every wall that wasn’t a retaining wall, and even some of those we may have knocked a couple holes in.”

All totaled, the couple racked up over $6 million in cash.

“According to state law, the money is ours. The house has been vacant for over 20 years, and just like if you found an old bike in the weeds of an overgrown garden, everything that comes with the house is yours when you move in,” said Melissa. “We’re so blessed. Now to get the hell out of Nebraska.”

Standard
Faux Report

Banks To Offer ‘Free Money Day’ On March 30th

Gym Bags Filled With Cash Hidden In Chicago, Residents On City-Wide Scavenger Hunt

WALL STREET, New York –

After an extremely banner year in 2015, many major banks across the United States, including American Bank and TD Banknorth, are planning on offering a ‘free money day,’ where their customers can stop by any branch location and have an extra bit of cash deposited into their savings or checking account.

“Basically, most major banks had extremely an extremely good year last year. We make a lot of money off of people by imposing ridiculous, unnecessary fees, and we’d like to pay that back now,” said TD Bank CEO George Fulton. “I mean, $35 every day you’re overdrafted, it adds up, right? As an example, we took in over $250 million in bank fees last year. We love money, but we’re also happy to share that back with our great customers who paid it to us in the first place.”

Bank fees, which are a notorious pain in the ass for anyone who has ever had to deal with them, are the biggest gripe among customers of all banks nationwide. Fulton says that this is a way for banks to “save a little face,” and get customers to fall back in love with banks.

“Stop into your local branch of any bank, and you will be eligible for a deposit in your account from anywhere from $45 to $250,” said Fulton. “It’s as simple as that. No catch, no fees, no issues. Just ask, and you’ll receive the money.”

Fulton says that banks are choosing the amount to pay based on account history and fees paid in.

Standard