Category Archives: Faux Report

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Faux Report

Edward Snowden Says Russian Hackers Rigged U.S. Election For Trump

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As Reported By World News Daily Report:

Former US National Security Agency contractor Edward Snowden announced this morning that he had “clear evidence” that the 2016 US election was rigged by Russian hackers in favor of Donald Trump.

“I have received confirmation through Guccifer 2.0 that malware was used in the electronic voting machines that lead to the victory of Donald Trump” Snowden told an internet conference in Berlin, speaking via a video link from Russia, where he has been living as a fugitive.

“ We aren’t surprised that the elections were rigged. Instead, we are surprised that they were rigged in favor of Donald Trump.” – Edward Snowden

READ FULL STORY HERE

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Faux Report

Woman Has Cookie Dough Can Explode In Her Vagina While Trying To Shoplift

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As Reported By Now 8 News:

An incident coming out of Greenville, North Carolina is just one example of what some people will do around the holidays when they are short on cash. A 34-year-old mother of 3 is now under arrest after a shoplifting incident turned tragic. Witnesses say Shatuanee Greene entered the North Carolina Walmart on Sunday with her three children ages 5, 7, and 8 when she grabbed a can of pre-made Christmas cookie dough. CCTV footage shows the young mother take the can to the toy aisle as her children crowded around her. Greene then lifted up her skirt and made the can of cookie dough “disappear.”

When Greene was approached by Walmart security, she told…

READ FULL STORY HERE

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Faux Report

Coca-Cola Recalls Thousands of Dasani Waters After Clear Parasite Found In Bottles

parasite

From Now 8 News:

If you purchase/drink Dasani water you might want to listen up. There has been a major recall by the Coca-Cola company today after several thousand bottles of their drinking water was found to be contaminated with a parasite. It has sent several hundred people to the hospital and is responsible for parasitic symptoms such as fever, rash, vomiting and stomach bloating.

This comes on the heels of a recent report in which Coca-Cola admitted that Dasani is really just“purified” tap water. The corporation admitted in January that their water brand was just purified tap water dressed in a fancy looking bottle. Like many other bottled waters, Dasani is sold at a premium price, and many people perceive it to be superior to tap water – even though it actually is just tap water.

READ THE FULL STORY HERE

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Faux Report

Melania Trump Files For Divorce: ‘I Didn’t Sign Up For This’

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Reported By Now 8 News:

The world is in shock over the weekend after sources close to Donald and Melania Trump confirm that Melania filed for divorce over the weekend. The Slovenia born model has voiced concerns over her role as the First Lady of the United States, claiming that she “Didn’t sign up for this.” Sources close to the couple say Melania is not prepared to be ridiculed for the next four years over her immigration status, accent and her husbands infidelities.

“She’s been very upset ever since Donald announced he was running for president last year,” said a woman close to the family. “She wanted a role as a kept woman, not as a woman in charge of being a role model in this country. She is also not prepared to leave her luxurious lifestyle to live in a home as old as the White House. She thinks that the decor is despicable and beyond repair.”

This comes on the heels of Donald Trump’s announcement that he only wants to live in the White House part-time, in a desperate attempt to save his marriage.

READ THE FULL STORY HERE

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Faux Report

Postman Found To Have Over 1100 Illegitimate Children, DNA Test Proves It!

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via NOW8NEWS:

An 87-year-old Nashville retired postman has been proven to have fathered over 1,300 illegitimate children after a private investigator hired by a Tennessee family discovered the shocking truth. The investigation that has gathered thousands of DNA samples and testimonies over a 15 year period ultimately proves the man is the father to literally thousands of illegitimate children in the region.

“Contraception wasn’t very popular in those days,” he told local reporters in his defense. “I have nothing to be ashamed of. The 60s were the good old days and I did a great Johnny Cash impression which played out real good with the ladies. Some even thought I was Johnny Cash for real. I don’t know if they really believed it or if they were trying to convince themselves, but who was I to say no to a quickie.”

READ THE REST HERE

 

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Faux Report

Psychiatrist Says That He Has Discovered ‘Cure’ For Depression

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A psychiatrist in Boston says that he has found the perfect cure for clinical depression, and it will get many people off their lifelong medications.

“I have discovered that the cure is quite simple,” said Dr. Marvin Leroy, of Boston. “When I have a patient come in and tell me they’re feeling depressed, I simply tell them to cheer up, and stop being such a Debby-Downer. As of right now, I have a 100% success rate, as not a single patient of mine returns for a follow-up visit.”

Dr. Leroy says he plans to publish his findings in the next Harvard Medical Journal, which is published bi-yearly.

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Faux Report

Man Who Died In Haunted House Not Discovered For Weeks – Everyone Thought He Was ‘Very Realistic Prop’

Man Dies In Haunted House, Mistaken For Prop For Almost 2 Weeks

CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

An elderly man who died while visiting a New Hampshire haunted house almost a month ago was not discovered until last night, after a young child was brave enough to walk up and touch what he thought was a dummy.

“Brian was trying to be brave, because we told him the house was just in fun, no one was really dead and it wasn’t real scary stuff, just pretend,” said Maria Downs who, along with her husband Michael, were taking their 7-year-old son to his first haunted house. “He saw the man in the corner. We thought it was a dummy, so we laughed. Brian bravely walked over to touch it, so he could see for himself that it wasn’t real. As soon as he put his hand on him, Brian turned and ran out of the house screaming.”

When the Downs family took a closer look, they realized that their son had just touched an actual dead body.

According to police, Phil Richards, 80, had gone through the house by himself during early October, and had apparently died of a heart attack.

“No one realized, because he looked kind of plastic and fake,” said police chief Mario Jones. “The owners never saw it; they didn’t go through the house themselves as they were too busy working the front, and the guests all thought the smell was from the fog machines pouring through.”

The owners say that they will be “more vigilant” in checking for dead bodies next year, but they are planning on offering a discount on Halloween night to anyone who wants to go through their haunt and see where the body was.

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Faux Report

POLL: 98% Of Hillary Voters Are Lying, Too Embarrassed To Admit They Support Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to a recent, anonymous poll, nearly all of Hillary Clinton’s supporters are actually in favor of Trump being the next president, but are to embarrassed to admit it.

“We have found that, when people know their answers will be kept confidential, that they admit to voting early for Trump, or that they plan to vote for him,” said Mark Domino, who conducted the poll of over 25,000 people personally over the last 6 months. “Based on my calculations, the number of Hillary supporters who ACTUALLY wants her to win is only about 2%.”

To back up his research, Domino recorded every single response, blurring out the faces and changing the voices of the people he spoke to.

“I absolutely want Trump to win, but I can’t say that publicly. I’d be shamed out of my job, maybe out of my marriage. I’d lose everything,” said a man in Duluth, Mississippi.”I’d never vote for someone like Hillary, who lets people die and does nothing, then denies it. It’s disgusting.”

According to Domino, the answers from people are relatively the same no matter where he went.

“People want Trump – in a landslide,” said Domino. “This information might actually help some of these people to be able to come out in support of Trump, since they now know EVERYONE wants him, and they’re not alone, nor are they deplorable.”

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Faux Report

Mt. Dew Proves To Be ‘Extremely Good’ For Premature Babies

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Doctors in Atlanta and Marshall Research Hospital have discovered that PepsiCo.’s product, Mt. Dew, is “extremely good” for babies, with 8 out of 10 premature infants in the study reacting positively to heavy doses of the soda, including quicker growth spurts, quicker time removed from respirators, as well as teaching them how to “suck, swallow, and breathe” faster.

“Most premature babies cannot suck, swallow, and breathe at the same time, which is why they spend months in hospitals, learning how to eat and drink without choking,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, who headed the study. “When we switched their normal formula, which is fed through a tube for most preemies, to Mt. Dew, we saw excellent and noticeable improvement within days.”

Of the 1,000 premature babies that were studied, Dr. Brown says that they had a “100% survival rate,” with 85% of the babies going home before their due date, which is unheard of in standard medical practice.

“We are looking at how Mt. Dew has helped these babies, and the reasoning behind it,” said Brown. “We may also start to try other drinks as well, such as RedBull, to see the effects there. We have high hopes.”

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Faux Report

Trump Says When He Wins Election He’ll Continue Living In Trump Tower, Open White House To Area Homeless

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump says that ‘when’ he wins the election next week, he plans to not move into the White House, and instead will reside at Trump Tower in New York, and allow D.C. area homeless to occupy the White House.

“This is a huge deal for them, and will guarantee a safe place for these people to live for the next four years,” said Trump. “And, considering how much time I will need to fix the mistakes of the current President, it’s likely that the people chosen can live in the White House for 8 years.”

Trump says that of the 156 rooms in the White House, he will have 150 of them “transformed” into full, tiny studio apartments – at his own expense.

“There is plenty of room in most of these massive rooms at the White House to make small studio apartments. A toilet, a sink, a refrigerator, and a bed – I’ll pay for all the remodels, and we can really start to clean up the D.C. homeless problem.”

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Faux Report

Parents Die After Not Checking Child’s Halloween Candy For Poison, Eating It Themselves

GARDINER, Georgia – 

A couple who ate some of their child’s Halloween candy without checking first to see if it had been tampered with died after they both ate chocolates that had been injected with rat poison.

Mary and George Richards, both 33, of Gardiner, Georgia, took their 4-year-old son, Michael, out trick or treating on Monday evening, and when they arrived home at around 8PM, they sent Michael to bed.

According to their Facebook page, they were planning on sneaking some of Michael’s candy, and had a status saying that they “hoped he wouldn’t notice.”

“Michael got so much candy tonight, I think George and I are going to take a bunch for ourselves,” read Mary’s status. “Isn’t that what Halloween is all about?”

Police say the two were discovered dead only 45 minutes later, when a neighbor came by to hang out.

“It was gruesome,” said the neighbor. “They were both bloated and foaming at the mouth. I called 911, but it was too late.”

Despite urban legends to the contrary, this is the first case of Halloween candy poisoning in all of recorded history that wasn’t perpetrated by a friend or family member of the victim.

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Faux Report

House That Normally Gives Drugs On Halloween Disappoints Families By Only Giving Candy

ATLANTA, Georgia –

You always hear about it on the news, but you never knew where it was. As it turns out, the answer to the question of “where is that house that always gives drugs to kids on Halloween?” is: Atlanta, Georgia. Except, not anymore. The one house in the nation that always could be counted on to give hardcore, expensive, mind-altering drugs to you children has decided that they need to clean up their act.

“We normally give really cool ecstasy tabs or MDMA pills or, really, whatever we have on hand,” said the homeowner, who would rather not be named publicly. “We have had kids, and parents, of course, lining up around the block before. We’re all about giving back to the community, but we really couldn’t afford it this year. It normally runs us about a quarter of a million to hand that stuff out on Halloween, and with the cost of living increases, Obamacare premiums, and gas prices, we just can’t handle it.”

The owners have said that they plan to just give candy this year, but to appease some angry kids and their uptight parents, they have decided they will give full-sized chocolate bars, and not minis.

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Faux Report

Trump Challenges Hillary To Game of HORSE To See Who Wins Election

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump has said that, in order to give Hillary a “fair chance” at winning after his “super-yuge” lead in the polls, he would allow Hillary to play him in a game of HORSE to decide the winner of the election.

“I’m quite sure that I will win the election based on votes, and I don’t think it’s even fair to Hillary at this point,” said Trump. “I’m all about fair play. I love women. I respect women, and I respect Hillary. No one has more respect for Hillary than me. And with that respect comes the great admiration that always comes with respect. It with that admiration comes challenge, and with challenge comes sports, and basically, I think we should play a game of HORSE to decide the election, voting be damned.”

Hillary Clinton has not responded directly to the Trump challenge, but staffers on her campaign have said that she has been practicing her layups and 3-point shots in anticipation of a “hell of a game.”

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Faux Report

Kanye West Sues Donald Trump For Calling Himself ‘Greatest’ Candidate

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Kanye West has reportedly filed a lawsuit against Donald Trump, because Trump referred to himself as “the greatest” presidential candidate of all time. West says that is infringing on his own “best” ranking.

“Everyone knows that I’m the greatest candidate, and by Donald Trump saying that he is, it tarnished my brand,” said West, who has filed the suit in Las Vegas, where he has multiple homes. “Based on his words, he has cost me money, and for that, he’s gotta pay. He’s gotta realize that you can’t just go around making claims.”

The suit, which West says is worth around $20 million, has been called “frivolous” and “completely fucking stupid” by Trump’s lawyers.

“We have reminded Mr. West that he is not, in fact, a presidential candidate, so it would be impossible for him to be the best,” said a lawyer for Trump. “As it turns out, he doesn’t really care about logic, he’s entirely driven by ego. We’ll look forward to seeing him in court.”

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