WWE CEO and Chairman Vince McMahon announced today that he had met with Tony Khan, the owner of new wrestling promotion AEW, and that the two had agreed on a purchase amount, with McMahon becoming sole owner.
“When I saw the kind of wrestling that these guys were doing, the matches they were putting on, the crowd reactions – I knew that this was something big, and I had to get involved,” said McMahon. “If I didn’t try to take control of this company now, they’d likely have overshadowed the WWE within a few years, maybe less. I am too old for more Monday Night Wars.”
McMahon is referencing the fan’s term for the ratings battle between the WWE and the then Ted Turner owned WCW. During the mid-90s, the two companies went head to head on Monday evenings in prime time TV slots. When WWE eventually took control of the ratings, McMahon bought out WCW and folded the entire promotion.
“When McMahon approached me, I laughed at first,” said Tony Khan, a billionaire whose family has long ties in the world of sports. “But he came in with a price that was just outrageous, and I would have been a fool to say no. Yes, I’m worth upwards of 4 times what the WWE is worth, but I didn’t get that way by being a fool. I’m a wrestling fan, and I love what we’re doing, but WWE can take what we’re doing and amp it up globally overnight.”
On news of the purchase, AEW’s Executive Vice President, Cody Rhodes, simply said “Fuck. Not again.”
Mark Callaway, 46, was arrested on Thursday evening after he became drunk and belligerent at the Cap ‘N Cock bar in New Brighton, Pennsylvania. According to police reports, Callaway began telling other patrons that he was The Undertaker, a popular WWE wrestler, and was encouraging others to smash a chair off his back to prove it.
“When Mr. Callaway was asked to leave by security, he became enraged, and tried to perform a tombstone piledriver on the bouncer, which unfortunately injured both of them,” said police chief Carl Carpenter. “We arrived on scene along with an ambulance, and Callaway was transported to a local hospital.”
Carpenter says that had Callaway left on his own accord, he’d have been allowed to go home, but because of the assault, he will be facing up to 2 years in prison if the bar presses charges.
President Trump, who has been friends with WWE owner Vince McMahon for many years, and who has been a part of wrestling events in the past, will be appearing at tonight’s Royal Rumble in Philadelphia. Normally he’d be relegated to a sideline role, or a walk-in part where he may speak, but this event will be very different. Trump will actually be wrestling in the Rumble match.
“President Trump was asked to participate, and he said yes,” said White House spokesman Giles Anderson. “He and Vince McMahon are longtime friends, and he missed working with the WWE. It was President Trump’s suggestion that he actually participate in a physical role.”
Trump has secretly been training in the ring for the last 6 months in anticipation of tonight’s event, and is saying that he is confident in his abilities.
“I obviously will not be winning the match, I don’t think anyone expects that,” said President Trump. “But I will be able to hold my own with no problem.”
After near 2 decade absence, patriotic muscleman Mr. America will be making a surprise return to WWE television, with an announcement that he would be headlining a match on Monday Night Raw, the company’s flagship show.
Wearing his signature stars-and-stripes mask, with wispy blonde hair draping his neck and a fu-manchu mustache flanking his chin, the leather-skinned wrestler burst onto the scene at a WWE event in 2003. He vowed to fight for what was right in America; to fight for the rights of every man.
Mr. America’s return seems to conspicuously coincide with what is being known as one of the worst Presidents in the history of this country, and many are thinking that Mr. America is here to truly make America great again.
“Well let me tell you something, brother,” Mr. America said, “Mr. America is going to run wild all over the WWE, and if I end up running wild all the way to the White House, and I drop a leg on some tanned jabroni, well you know I’ll have a hell of a time doing it, brother. Whatcha gonna do, when Mr. America goes WILD on you, Donald Trump?!”
President Trump is a WWE Hall of Fame inductee, who is close, personal friends with company owner Vince McMahon and his family.
Mr. America is scheduled to appear next Monday on RAW.
After near 2 decade absence, patriotic muscleman Mr. America will be making a surprise return to WWE television, with an announcement that he would be headlining a match on Monday Night Raw, the company’s flagship show.
Wearing his signature stars-and-stripes mask, with wispy blonde hair draping his neck and a fu-manchu mustache flanking his chin, the leather-skinned wrestler burst onto the scene at a WWE event in 2003. He vowed to fight for what was right in America; to fight for the rights of every man.
Mr. America’s return seems to conspicuously coincide with what is being known as one of the worst Presidents in the history of this country, and many are thinking that Mr. America is here to truly make America great again.
“Well let me tell you something, brother,” Mr. America said, “Mr. America is going to run wild all over the WWE, and if I end up running wild all the way to the White House, and I drop a leg on some tanned jabroni, well you know I’ll have a hell of a time doing it, brother. Whatcha gonna do, when Mr. America goes WILD on you, Donald Trump?!”
President Trump is a WWE Hall of Fame inductee, who is close, personal friends with company owner Vince McMahon and his family.
Mr. America is scheduled to appear next Monday on RAW.
Since when was WWE considered violence? Perhaps CNN has rightly earned the slur “Fraud News” AKA “FNN” since the scripted, choreographed events from “World Wrestling” TV programming are now taken as legitimate “violence”. The Reporters Committee for Freedom of the Press condemned Trump’s “violence”, but not WWE’s.
So, this is our world today, where “World Wrestling” is for real. WWE, renamed from WWF, is taken seriously by by the RCFP, and CNN is renamed FNN by the POTUS. How dare he! Someone call the Rock and get revenge!
Ironically, the mod video Trump Tweeted is from Trump himself pretending to beat up his billionaire buddy, WWE Chairman and CEO Vince McMahon, in a head-shave dare. In the match on WrestleMania, the official wrestlers beat up the referees as the two referees beat up each other; Trump won the dare and the WWE Chairman got his head shaved by one of the wrestlers and, of course, Donald Trump. They even used shaving cream and “Bic-ed it“.
Holman Jenkins, Jr. and Rush Limbaugh weighed in on Russianewsgategate this week. The developing theory thus far is that the Russians made a rouse by rousing that there was a rouse; accordingly and as if on cue, the at-the-time internationally viewed-as-pansy White House, along with at-the-time and on-record tech illiterate FBI Director Comey, took the bait and ran to “-itch slap” the Russians. So, that was the “Russian hack”—a rumor made by the Russians that there was a Russian hack made paranoid powers self-destruct. As Staples™ said, “That was easy.”
The “rouse rouse” tactic was also employed by Talleyrand and Fouché to bring down the paranoid French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte. They simply started a rumor that they were plotting against the emperor and that was all there was to it. Napoleon freaked-out and did himself in, just as did the previous White House administration, with a little “encouragement” from the Russians and WWE Hall of Fame Superstar Donald J. Trump.
Believe it, many people take WWE videos seriously. This week, the press joined those “serious” WWE fans and took Trump’s video seriously. Since CNN and WWE are now considered equally “serious”, we ought consider Special Prosecutor Former FBI Director Robert Mueller as the referee who took over and then got his lights knocked out in the ring after the other referee, Former FBI Director James Comey, got his lights knocked out in the ring in a replay match, only this time, CNN gets its head shaved. And, just as before, Trump is piling on the shaving cream.
Now, serious questions remain about the appointment of a special prosecutor. It was a rouse rouse. What’s the point? So the developing theory goes, the only purpose of a special prosecutor is to help Russianewsgategate cover its WWE-sized fanny. While Limbaugh and Jenkins theorize that Mueller will come up with his own version of a “magic bullet theory” so that the imploding Washington establishment can evacuate the building they set afire, that won’t be all, folks; expect more.
Mark these words: A lieutenant/deputy -sized head will roll and that head will be just as innocent as it is painted, bribed, and blackmailed to look guilty, all to save the cause. That’s how the choreography works, after all. Believe it, many people will believe it.
The WWE has announced that they are “indefinitely postponing” this year’s Wrestlemania pay-per-view after alleged terrorist threats were received. FBI officials say they cautioned the WWE to cancel the event in the wake of attacks that have happened all over the world.
“The WWE wants our fans to be safe, and so we have decided to cancel the event, with a possible plan to stage it at a late date and time,” said WWE CEO Vince McMahon. “This year’s event was set to be the largest in our company’s history, and we cannot take the chance of there being issues at a spectacle that will house nearly 100,000 people.”
FBI officials say that the received a “credible” but anonymous threat that terrorists would attack during the event, and they are taking the threat seriously.
“We are extremely happy that the WWE has taken this threat as seriously as we have, and cancelled their event,” said FBI spokesman George Glass.
“Frankly, no one really cares if they cancel it, anyway,” said WWE fan Larry Moss. “I mean, it’s the same shit that happens every week on their regular show. Now that pay-per-views are included in the WWE Network, and it’s only $10, they don’t put much thought into it anyway. I’m glad that it’s not happening, really. I was going to miss The Walking Dead. Now I don’t have to.”
Hulk Hogan announced this morning that he plans to take the $115 million dollar settlement he is set to receive from his lawsuit against garbage-posting website Gawker to purchase a majority share of stock in his former employer Vince McMahon’s company WWE.
“I’ve been a millionaire for many years, but I’ve never been that much of a millionaire,” said Hogan, whose real name is Terry Bollea. “I do own some stock in the company. I bought about $2,000 worth when it first went public. With this settlement, though, I can finally become majority owner.”
Although Vince McMahon had originally been set with 51% ownership, he was forced to sell some of his stock and ownership in the last few years as the company has taken a downturn, leaving him with only 48% ownership in the company. The rest is on the public market.
“I will be able to afford to buy 51% of the company with this settlement, and when I do, there will be some massive changes made to the company,” said Hogan. “I cannot wait to drop the leg on the WWE once more, but this time, it will be my place to do with as I wish. It will be like the NWO days all over again, brother.”
WWE and UFC powerhouse Brock Lesnar is a force to be reckoned with. After dominating at both sports, the man has earned his reputation as an extreme athlete. What many don’t realize, though, is how Lesnar is able to maintain his incredible physique.
“Well, I started lifting animals years ago, back when I was still living on and maintaining my family’s farm,” said Lesnar in a recent interview. “Back then it was pigs, and I slowly worked my way up to cows. Once I left the farm, though, I found less options for animal lifting.”
Lesnar said it wasn’t until he bought his house in on the East Coast of Canada that he was able to start lifting a new kind of animal – sharks.
“The thin about pig-lifting or cow-lifting, is that those are fairly docile animals, considering, so although they’re heavy, I didn’t get the cardio aspect of it,” said Lesnar. “When I moved to the coast, I started swimming for, and catching live sharks. Then I carry them to shore, and do a few reps and squats. All that together, it really works.”
Lesnar says that although the workout routine has been extremely helpful in maintaining his “nearly perfect” athletic body, he doesn’t recommend it for everyone.
“If you have a fear of sharks, I’d say don’t do it,” said Lesnar. “Just stick to lifting smaller things, like dogs or rabbits.”
Former professional wrestler CM Punk, real name Phil Brooks, recently spoke with ESPN 8 about returning to the ring and working for WWE, and interviewers were quite surprised by Punk’s response when he was asked if he’d ever consider going back.
“Oh, I am going back,” said Punk, much to the surprise of ESPN anchors. “Yup, it’s a done deal. I’m going back in January.”
Punk, who was scheduled to begin his stint in the UFC, reportedly decided that the fights would be “too tough” for him, and he decided he enjoyed scripted fights better.
“Dana White gave me an opportunity to fight in the UFC, and I appreciate that. I signed on the dotted line and everything,” said Punk. “In thinking about it, though, there’s a pretty damn good chance that I’d get my ass whipped, and that’s not what I’m about. So instead, I went back to WWE. Vince took me back no problem, probably because that company is such a shit show right now that they can’t really not have me anymore. It’s going to be a good time.”
Dana White was reportedly developing a reality show that would focus on finding a contender for Punk’s first UFC bout, but has since cancelled the idea, and will instead use the show to focus on how in the hell Ronda Rousey sucked so much during her last championship fight.
