Tag Archives: weight loss

Faux Report

Melania Trump Reveals STARTLING Weight-Loss Secret

melania

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Melania Trump has been in the public eye for years – before she was the First Lady, she was a fashion model, and for that, it means always keeping her figure perfect. To this day, she still has modeling and clothing line deals that require her to be in top form.

Now, for the first time ever, Melania has revealed her secrets to staying in shape at all times.

“It’s actually really simple,” said the Slovenian-born Mrs. Trump. “I get my stomach pumped two or three times a day, depending on how often I eat. Instead of absorbing all the fat and nutrients, I have all the foods I eat pulled out before my body can use them.”

Melania says that this procedure has worked for her for “a number of years,” but now she is very happy that she is the First Lady, because it means no more trips to the doctors.

“We have a top-notch medical staff in the White House, and our Doctor, Dr. Lemmy, pumps me every morning, afternoon, and evening,” said Melania. “Within 30 minutes of any meal, I have to be pumped. If I’m traveling to an area where I don’t have a regular doctor, I just don’t eat. It works wonders.”

Melania said that she has not defecated in “well over 5 years.”

Standard
Faux Report

Man Looses Over 400 Pounds Eating Nothing But Sticks Of Butter

food

PHOENIX, Arizona – 

27-year-old Martin O’Shea lost his parents when he was very young, and grew up in foster care. This, he says, lead to a lifetime of overeating, to the point that on his 24th birthday, he weighed nearly 550 pounds.

“I knew I needed to do something, or I was going to die,” said O’Shea.

Against the better judgement and direction of his doctors, O’Shea said he took to the internet to find remedies for quick weight loss, and tried several over a 2-year period.

“I did Atkins. Paleo. I was a vegetarian. I was exercising as much as I could, and nothing worked,” said O’Shea. “Then I discovered the Blue Bonnet diet.”

O’Shea said he began eating nothing but sticks of butter, sometimes eating as many as 12 or 13 a day, and drinking large gallons of whole milk.

“It worked unbelievably, and here I am, only 12 short months later. I’ve had skin removal surgery and I started being able to go to the gym to tone up, but I’ve lost 390 pounds on the BB diet. All I eat is butter, still. It works amazingly.”

O’Shea has said that he often has fits of vomiting and has to wear a diaper thanks to “loose bowels,” but it’s all worth it to look and feel like “a human being” again.

Standard
Faux Report

Sleep Deprivation Diet Helps You Lose Weight By Staying Up For Days

meth

COMPTON, California – 

One of the newest crazes in America and the weight loss industry is the Sleep Deprivation diet, which consists of staying up for days on end, with no food, in order to starve the fat out of your body. All of the people who have tried it say that the diet works immensely well, and that staying up for long periods of time is easy with chemical help.

“I’ve been up for 4 days straight, and I’ve already lost 9 pounds,” said Jamica Jackson of South Central, California. “The first day or so, it was hard keeping my eyes open, so I just started smoking tons of meth, and that keeps me wide the fuck awake, not gonna lie.”

Most of the people on the Sleep Deprivation diet are also hardcore drug addicts, who stay awake by snorting cocaine, smoking meth, or taking copious amounts of speed.

“Oh shit, yeah. I get so much work done, and I don’t eat shit when I’m on speed,” said Peter Berg, of West Memphis, Tennessee. “I was up for 6 straight days last week. Lost 31 pounds. This diet is amazing.”

The diet was created by a former addict, Mario Lorne, who says he started preaching about the diet after he lost 22 pounds on a week-long binge.

“I smoked enough meth to kill a tenured prostitute, and then I did more lines than a bad stand-up comedian,” said Lorne. “That was a year ago. I was up for 8 straight days before I crashed out. Didn’t want to eat a thing while I was high on crank and shit, and I lost a ton of weight. I realized that was the best thing going, and I started spreading the word.”

Lorne has said that several major publishers have approached him about writing a self-help book about weight loss, and that he is expecting the trend to become much larger nationwide as time goes on and more people hear about the Sleep Deprivation diet.

Standard
Faux Report

McDonald’s Suggests Eating 3 McDoubles Each Day As Part Of ‘Healthy Diet’

mcdouble

OAK BROOK, Illinois – 

After Chick-Fil-A recently announced that they suggest people eat their chicken nuggets 3 or 4 times a day as part of a healthy diet, McDonald’s fired back that they, too, should have their food eaten as often as possible if you wish to lose weight.

“Chick-Fil-A may have nuggets, but they’re not as good as ours,” said McDonald’s spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “Ours also come with fewer calories per serving, and nowhere near as much homophobia. We strive to make the best nuggets, burgers, shakes, and fries that are out there today.”

According to scientists in the McDonald’s Food Development Lab, eating at least 3 McDoubles – a staple of the restaurant’s dollar menu – each day can help to keep you “fit, healthy, and less hungry.”

“Personally, I eat at least 5 McDoubles each day, and I normally wash it down with a side of french fries and a Diet Coke,” said food researcher Myles Kenefic. “So far, eating that way, I’ve lost over 20lbs in the last 18 years. I think that definitely says something about our food, and our products, and how it can help you stay healthy in the face of adversity.”

McDonald’s say that they hope to get people onto a Mc-Diet as quickly as possible, if not for the health of their customers, but for the sake of their rapidly failing business.

Standard
Faux Report

Authors of ‘Eat More, Weigh Less’ and ‘Zero Belly Fat’ Weight-Loss Books Sued

weight

DAYTON, Ohio – 

Monika Ames is suing under the legal theory that the title of books she purchased should have included a disclaimer to warn her she had to read the book before adopting the diet. “I ate more and I certainly don’t weigh any less.”

Some would call it common sense that you have to read the book before following the advice on the cover, but this is not stopping her lawyer David Moreno, who says they have a great case. “My client is sick of being lied to. This is going to be the biggest thing since they started putting “Caution: Contents Hot” on coffee.

David Zinczenko, author of Zero Belly Fat, will also be implicated in the suit. His Wednesday, January 27th appearance on The View was almost canceled over the suit. Last minute changes were approved by the show and his lawyer, which allowed the explanation of food pairings that will help you burn more fat than either alone. He may need to add a disclaimer to the new editions of his book, such as “results not typical.”

Dean Ornish, author of Eat More Weigh Less, said at first he was just happy people were still talking about his book he originally released in 1993. Ornish says, “I am still going strong with this diet, and my first thoughts were ‘she obviously was not following it.’ Then I released she didn’t even read it. They’ll throw this out of court like that woman throws down chocolate cake.

Standard
Faux Report

McDonald’s To Add New ‘McLite Gym,’ A New Exercise Area, To Over 20,000 Locations

gym

ASHFORD, Connecticut – 

As many McDonald’s restaurants have closed down their old Playplace areas, leaving them vacant, the company’s new CEO, Geoff King, said that he has plans for helping customers burn off pesky, Big Mac induced weight.

“We plan to convert over 20,000 former Playplace indoor playground spaces into a new section we are calling McLite,” said King. “We want to offer full-service gyms in our locations, featuring Ronald McDonald as your coach. He will guide you in losing weight, all while still being able to enjoy delicious McDonald’s fries and shakes.”

The new McLite sections are already being remodeled in several locations in the midwest, where King says that “the fattest people” live.

“We don’t want to be the cause of obesity in this country, we want to help control it,” said King. “We have partnered with the company Planet Fitness to join into our McLite Gym sections, and we know they will help burn those calories.”

McLite Gyms will open beginning in March of 2016.

Standard