Tag Archives: vagina

Faux Report

Woman Has Cookie Dough Can Explode In Her Vagina While Trying To Shoplift

walmart-cookies

As Reported By Now 8 News:

An incident coming out of Greenville, North Carolina is just one example of what some people will do around the holidays when they are short on cash. A 34-year-old mother of 3 is now under arrest after a shoplifting incident turned tragic. Witnesses say Shatuanee Greene entered the North Carolina Walmart on Sunday with her three children ages 5, 7, and 8 when she grabbed a can of pre-made Christmas cookie dough. CCTV footage shows the young mother take the can to the toy aisle as her children crowded around her. Greene then lifted up her skirt and made the can of cookie dough “disappear.”

When Greene was approached by Walmart security, she told…

READ FULL STORY HERE

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Faux Report

Labiaplasty Popular Among Teen Girls Looking To Have ‘Perfect Vagina’

labiaplasty

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Plastic surgeons on the west coast, particularly in ritzy areas like Los Angeles and Beverly Hills, say that they have recently seen a rise in labiaplasty requests from young women; plastic surgery on the vagina so that the girls can have, what they say, is the “perfect pussy.”

“I want it to be tiny, hairless, no extra skin, and everything tucked away, nice and neat,” said Samantha Kenner, 19. “I heard that all the Kardashians had their pussies tucked, and I have been saving for 2 years to get mine done. It’s going to be fabulous.”

In a recent poll, it was discovered that most women are completely dissatisfied by the look of their vagina, especially when it comes to extra skin or puffy labias.

“My vagina was wrecked after having triplets when I was 20,” said Maria Carson, now 31. “So I met with doctors who said they could completely rebuild my vagina from the ground up. I had them tuck away all the extra roast beef that was going on down there, and then they also laser-removed the hair, so I never had to shave or wax again. They also tightened up the actual muscles, so I’ve essentially got the vagina of a 13-year-old virgin again. My husband certainly isn’t complaining.”

Plastic surgery has been on the rise in the US for decades, but this new surgery has only been around for the last 2 or 3 years, say doctors. The costly surgery can range from $3,000 to a simple “meat tuck” to $20,000 for a full reconstruction.

 

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Faux Report

Premature Baby Dies After Parents Try To Put Her Back Inside Mom

baby

GARDNER, Indiana – 

A young couple, Mark and Jessica Grover, both 24, were arrested after they called 911 to report that their baby had died. The couple had given birth at home only a few hours before, and accidentally killed their child after trying to insert her back inside Jessica’s vagina.

“This couple knew that their baby wasn’t due for another 6 weeks, and they panicked, thinking that something was wrong,” said police chief Mario Ruben. “Instead of calling for an ambulance, they tried to push the baby back up inside of the mother, causing severe brain and spinal damage to the baby. Unfortunately, it died before paramedics arrived.”

Chief Reuben says that both parents are being charged with negligent homicide, and that they are still in custody.

“I know that people are having children younger and younger these days, but these parents had been doing everything right – going to their appointments, mom was eating healthy, and the baby just came early, and they didn’t know what to do,” said chief Reuben. “It’s extremely sad that this happened, but a crime was committed none-the-less. Please, if you’re having a baby, do not try to put it back. It’s not a Thanksgiving turkey. They will come when they come, and that’s one oven you can’t put something back into.”

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Faux Report

Woman Suffers Severe Rectum Burns After Cell Phone Falls In Toilet, Shorts Out

cell phone

DAYTONA BEACH, Florida – 

A 28-year-old woman was hospitalized with severe burns to her buttocks, rectum, and vagina after her cell phone fell out of her pants pocket while she was in the process of sitting down in a restaurant bathroom, landing in the toilet. The water shorted out the phone, causing a small explosion inside the toilet bowl. The explosion is what caused the woman to get burned.

“I’m not going to lie, it was really hilarious,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Daytona Medical Center. “My wife drops her stupid phone in the toilet constantly. So does my teenage daughter. I don’t know why women insist on putting their phones in their back pocket. It doesn’t make any sense.”

Dr. Brown says that the patient, whose name is not being released, will have minor scarring, but in the future, he warns that the case could have been a lot worse.

“She could have died, easily, from her injuries,” said Dr. Brown. “I caution women everywhere to stop putting their phones in their back pockets, stop wearing stupid little jeans with tiny pockets, or stop having phones all together. This is a tragic, yet stupidly ridiculous, circumstance, that I never want to have to deal with again. Be safe, girls.”

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Faux Report

Pubic Hair Growing, Styling Becomes Latest Trend Among Hollywood Celebrities

pussy

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Bush is back in a big way, although not so much when it comes to Presidential candidates. This bush, though, proves everything comes back in style – even pubic hair.

Fashionista Stella Stennett says she heard about the trend from her gay best friend. “My New Year’s resolution is to be more fashion forward, so I went right out and got a weave. I told all the girls at the salon, ‘Don’t get Brazilian. You’ll regret it!” said Stennett. “I am going to get so much dick in 2016.”

Adriano Mondolo, a fashion designer in Los Angeles, says to expect 2016 fashions to accentuate the pubic region. “Forget the bikini waxes, girls. It’s going to be all about glamming out that lady garden. Style it, shape it, dye it, bedazzle it, girlfriend!”

Many celebrities, including Jennifer Lawrence, Betty White, Megan Fox, and Chris Pratt, say that they have all let their pubes grow back after keeping their area clean for years. According to Fox, she’s even dyed hers a bright pink, so as to be more noticeable in certain outfits.

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