Tag Archives: sexual assault

Faux Report

President Trump Vows To Lower Severity of Sexual Assault Crimes, Hopes To Make Them ‘Ticketable’ Offenses

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump said this morning during a press conference that the “MeToo movement has gone too far,” and that “too many honest, hardworking men are being thrown under the bus with lies and malicious intent,” and that he plans to spend the rest of his time in office working to reduce the severity of rape and sexual assault charges.

“In this world that we live, many men are having their lives ruined by false allegations and exaggerated claims, and it’s time to put a stop to it,” said President Trump. “I myself have been wrongly accused of sexual assault, as have many of my close friends, and it’s sickening. It’s terrifying to live as a man right now, and know that at any time, some woman who you may not even know could come forward and say that you forcibly kissed her, or groped her, or that you offered her money to sit on your face, and it could ruin your life. It’s disgusting behavior on the part of these women.”

Trump went on to say that he felt that the transgressions of young men, if they happen at all, should be forgotten or pushed aside based on the work they’ve done and accomplished in the years since.

“I will not comment publicly on whether or not I believe Brett Kavanaugh assaulted anyone, even though we all clearly know that he didn’t,” said President Trump. “What I do know is that the accusations are destroying him and his family, and that’s not right. It’s for MeToo to go away quietly.”

President Trump said that he hopes to pass new laws that would decrease the criminal statute that would imprison people like Bill Cosby, who was sentenced to 3-10 years for sexual assault, and instead would allow men who are found guilty to pay a sort of fine, or restitution to the plaintiff.

“It  is my hope that my son can grow up in a world where no woman will ever accuse him of touching her inappropriately, whether he did or not,” said Trump. “I want to keep Making America Great Again, and at this point, this is my number one concern.”

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Faux Report

BREAKING: Donald Trump Facing Civil Charges In Decades-Old Sexual Harassment Claim

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump will be heading to civil court next month over a claim of sexual harassment and abuse charges that were filed by a former employee.

Margot Lambert, 49, alleges that when she was an intern working for the Trump Corporation, Donald Trump made repeated sexual advances towards her, and even groped her during a private meeting. She was later fired after, she claims, refusing to fellate Trump in his office.

“At the request of my attorney, I am not able to say much about the case, except to say that President Trump, then just ‘Donnie,’ as he likes to be called, tried to get me to place his orange, flacid penis in my mouth,” said Lambert. “When I refused, I was later relieved of my duties as his intern. I believe that the two situations are related.”

Although the statute of limitations has run out for any sort of criminal case, Lambert is still free to go after Trump in civil court. Her law team says they are seeking damages in the amount of $6.5 million for mental anguish and recurring nightmares.

“Ms. Lambert sought counselling for many years after the sexual assault, and had finally learned to put the incident behind her,” said Lambert’s lawyer, Richard Kimball. “When Trump became President, Ms. Lambert began having PTSD of her multiple sexual encounters with Trump. We firmly believe we will have no problem in regards to winning this case.”

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Faux Report

Tom Hanks’ ‘Cast Away’ Co-Star Alleges Sexual Abuse During Filming

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HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Tom Hanks is “America’s Favorite Actor,” but after allegations that just surfaced, many people might be re-thinking supporting his next role.

One of Hanks’ most memorable roles from the early 00’s is the film Cast Away, where Hanks is marooned on a deserted island after a plane crash. The entire film revolves around only two main characters – Hanks, and his friend, a volleyball he names Wilson.

Wilson the volleyball, who is represented by ICM Partners out of Los Angeles, recently released a statement through his lawyer that stated that Hanks sexually assaulted him throughout the entire filming of Cast Away, and then paid members of the production team to cover it up.

“Mr. Hanks would often grab, run, and fondle Wilson the Volleyball, and despite his assertions that he did not want to be touched, Mr. Hanks did not desist,” said Martin Schuster, Wilson’s lawyer. “Although we understand that the statute of limitations has passed on this crime, Wilson has decided to finally come forward and release this information, so that other balls in Hollywood films can feel safer.”

Hanks had no comment on the allegations, but since Wilson’s announcement, several other inanimate objects in film history have come forward alleging misconduct, including Rosebud, the sled from Citizen Kane, and the Ruby Slippers from The Wizard of Oz.

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Faux Report

President Trump Pardons Himself For Years of Sexual Assaults and Abuse

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump pardoned himself this morning for what he says are years of “alleged” sexual assault accusations, as well as rumblings of abuse. Despite the President not being formally charged with any crimes, many women have accused him of sexual misconduct over the years, all of which he has denied.

“In the wake of my good friend, Mister Harvey Weinstein, being viciously attacked by the media over abuse charges, I felt it was time to act in advance of any legal or civil charges being lobbied my way,” said President Trump. “Although I adamantly deny that I have ever been sexually inappropriate with any woman, especially the ugly ones who always accuse me of doing so, I have fully pardoned myself of any and all crimes and charges.”

While it was pointed out to the president that he could neither pardon himself, nor could he pre-pardon someone for crimes they have not been charged with, Trump remained steadfast in his decision that he had been fully pardoned.

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Faux Report

Bill Cosby Says He’s Actually Gay, Couldn’t Possibly Have Assaulted Anyone

Bill Cosby Brings Up Rape Allegations In Interview Because No One Was Talking About Him Anymore

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Extremely old comic Bill Cosby, who has been accused of sexually assaulting – or flat-out raping – so many women that the entire media has lost count, is now claiming that he couldn’t possibly have done anything to any of the women accusing him, because he’s actually gay.

“Yes indeed, I’m as gay as they come, woo-hoo, gay gay gay,” said Cosby. “Yes, I’ve been married for years, but in my day, it’s just what you did. You didn’t want anyone to know you were gay, so you snagged a woman and made her your wife. But really, I’m very gay. Why do you think I sucked so many pudding pops over the years? What man likes something to phallic who isn’t gay? Yup, gay gay gay.”

Cosby claims that he’s not using this defense as a way to try and take the blame off himself for his alleged crimes, but that he just feels now is the perfect time to “come clean” about his sexual habits.

“I have a lot of proclivities, but raping women isn’t one of them,” said Cosby. “I like men, always have, always will. Yup, don’t you forget it – gay gay gay. If someone says to you ‘Cosby rapes women,’ you correct them right there and tell them how gay I am, and that it’s not true at all. I’ve never raped anybody.”

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Faux Report

Girl Presses Sexual Assault Charges After Unwanted Kisses From Grandpa

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DELUTH, Mississippi –

A 14-year-old girl is pressing charges against her grandfather after she says he gave her “cheek pinches and kisses” while he visited on her birthday last week.

“Every year, my granddad comes to my house once a year, on my birthday. He always gives me kisses on the forehead and cheek pinches, and I told him ahead of time that this year I would have friends over, and I did not want to be kissed,” said Jessica Jones, 14. “He laughed, and he must have thought I was joking when I told him, because he did it anyway. I was mortified. I had to run out of my own party.”

Jessica’s parents said that they continued with the party despite her absence, and none of her friends even seemed to notice the kissing or the cheek pinching, but Jessica still insists that her grandfather be arrested and charged with sexual assault.

“I want to show all the grown-ups out there that they can’t just touch us whenever they want, just because we’re kids, or just because we’re family,” said Jessica. “My granddad is old. It doesn’t matter that he gave me $100 in a birthday card, he still shouldn’t have touched me like that.”

Jessica says that her parents refuse to pay for a lawyer, so Jessica is using her babysitting money and hoping to find a cheap attorney.

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