Tag Archives: Pregnancy

Faux Report

Woman Delivers Healthy Newborn Baby Anally After Internal Complications

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ATLANTA, Georgia –

A woman who went into labor on Sunday evening became the first in recorded history to deliver her baby anally instead of vaginally, after internal complications forced doctors to re-route her baby’s delivery path.

“Our patient, whose name is not being released at this time, suffered from serious infections and complications during her labor, and as such, we were not able to deliver her baby vaginally or through emergency caesarian procedures,” said Dr. Joe Goldsmith of Atlanta Medical Center. “The patient was sedated, and we were able to successfully redirect her baby from her uterus through her bowels, and out her colon. It is the first, and as I’m aware, only time that this has been performed.”

Dr. Goldsmith says the entire procedure was recorded for future study and use by other medical professionals who may run into similar situations. At the time of this writing, both mother and baby were fine, although mother will be forced to wear adult diapers for the forseeable future.

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Faux Report

Teens Make Pregnancy Pact Hoping To Get On MTV Series ’16 & Pregnant’

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

The parents of Marley Simpson, age 16, and Brittany Lott, age 15, have been granted permission by a local court to keep their children under house arrest after the parents found out the girls have made a pact to get pregnant.

Marley’s mother, Kaitlin Simpson, says they wanted to get pregnant at the same time so they could be on MTV’s show 16 and Pregnant. “Marley says I shouldn’t have been snooping and reading her diary, but I am damn glad I did so I could put a stop to this nonsense. I told the girls that 15 minutes of fame is no reason to throw their lives away and bring a child into this world. Of course, you know I would be the one taking care of it anyway.”

Courts have approved the petition of the Simpsons and Lotts to keep their daughters under house arrest, even providing ankle bands so police will be alerted if the teens try to leave the house.

Brittany’s father, Jim, says he has also installed cameras around the house so he can monitor his daughter remotely. “Brittany’s a sneaky girl. I knew keeping her home wasn’t enough. I had signs made with pictures of me and my rifle and I posted them all over the lawn. I imagine that will keep those boy and their little peckers away, but if it don’t, I’ll be watching from inside.”

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