Tag Archives: pollution

Faux Report

Olympic Swimmer Contracts Deadly Malaria Virus While Practicing For Events In Rio

rio

RIO, Brazil – 

A U.S. Olympic swimmer, Mick Jones, has reportedly contracted malaria while practicing for his events in Rio, swimming in public, open water.

“It is with great sadness that we report that Mr. Jones will not be able to compete at this year’s olympic games,” said chairman Richard Downs. “He is a champion competitor, and we wish him all the best in his recovery.”

The Olympic Committee was warned of hosting the games in Rio, which is rife with crime and has some of the most polluted waters in the world.

“We wanted to host it somewhere new and exciting, and even though their environment, their economy, and their people cannot handle the influx, we decided to go on with the ceremony anyway,” said Downs. “I believe that this event is isolated, and we will do whatever we can to make sure that the athletes are safe.

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Faux Report

Smoke From Wildfires Expected To Cause Thick Haze Across Entire Country

wildfires

CALIFORNIA –

Scorching heat and tinder-dry conditions across the west have contributed to massive wildfires in the past week that have destroyed properties and sent residents to seek shelter and hope for the best. Even those who do not live in areas affected by wildfires will likely still be impacted as the smoke disperses and causes record levels of haze across the United States.

Several large wildfires in the United States are producing smoke that is being transported for hundreds of miles. The National Weather service has posted Red Flag Warnings for areas in California and Wyoming, saying the smoke may be so bad it blocks out the sun in some areas. Residents as far as Utah have seen thick black smoke traveling from California.

According to Bill Gabbert of Wildfire Today, the real problem is the pollution. “Wildfire smoke tends to bind with other smog particles like sulfur oxides, car exhaust, and ozone. This weights the smoke down, making it a slow moving menace.”

Although the haze will be significant, it will be high enough in the atmosphere that people will notice the obscured sun, but not be affected by the pollution.

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Faux Report

20 Million Gallons of Fresh Water Accidentally Spilled Into Flint, Michigan River

flintwater

FLINT, Michigan – 

According to the EPA, an accidental spill of over 20 million gallons of fresh, clean, filtered drinking water was spilled into the Flint, Michigan river, where the town’s horrendous drinking water comes from.

Thousands of citizens rushed to their kitchen faucets, and were extremely pleased to find that a lot of the yellow and brown color was fading away, and that almost all of the smell was removed from the water.

“It’s a miracle, really. A true miracle that this happened,” said Flint resident Michael Moore. “Normally I go to my tap, and I mostly get piss-colored swill water, but now it’s almost clean! You pray and pray for accidents like this to happen, and then my God, dreams come true.”

According to the Flint chapter of the EPA, a railroad car filled with over 20 million gallons of water derailed last week, spilling into the town’s drinking supply.

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