Tag Archives: killer

Faux Report

12-Year-Old Girl Who Didn’t Get Pony For Christmas Murders Parents While Wearing Horse Mask

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CARLTON, California – 

A 12-year-old girl who asked her parents to get her a pony for Christmas has been arrested for murder, after it was discovered that she stabbed and cut up her parents for not getting her what she asked for.

“I wanted a goddamn pony, and they got me a horse,” said the girl, whose name is not being revealed due to her age. “I didn’t want a fucking horse, I wanted a pony. There’s a difference, and if they’re too stupid to know it, then they’re too stupid to live.”

According to police, the young girl herself called 911 to admit to her crime, and said that they could find her parents in the “goddamn stable” next to the “diced up body of that shitty horse.”

Police Chief Carl Lewis said it was the most gruesome scene that he’d ever witnessed.

“There were horse parts and body parts all over. We really had no idea which piece was human and which was not, it was insane. That fact that this was all done by a little girl, that’s what makes it even scarier,” said Lewis. “We also found a rubber horse mask, which she apparently wore during the crime.”

Currently, the girl is being housed in an undisclosed prison by police, with plans for her to be arraigned on January 3rd. If convicted, she will be the youngest person ever put on death row.

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Faux Report

Man Arrested After Going On Murder Spree, Killing Over 30 Registered Sex Offenders

OMAHA, Nebraska – 

A Nebraska man was arrested after he was caught in the act of strangling someone to death in an alley outside of a Omaha McDonald’s, police say. According to reports, Joel Miller, 42, was arrested for assault and attempted murder, and during questioning admitted that he had killed more than 30 people already, all of them registered sex offenders.

“I’ve been killing pedos and perverts for, damn, close to 15 years now,” said Miller. “Started when I was 26 or so, after a girl I was dating was raped and murdered. I tracked the guy down myself, slit his throat. I realized I had a real knack for it after that, so I kept going.”

Miller says that he wishes he hadn’t gotten caught, because he has a list of at least 3 more local “perverts” that he wanted to “knock off.”

“A friend of mine – we go way back – his daughter was molested by his babysitter’s boyfriend. Everyone knew he did it. The police couldn’t prove it. The girl, she’s only 7, she clammed right up. Barely spoken since, and she won’t admit it. Well, I did the world a favor when I cut his dick off and rammed it down his throat.”

Police say that, despite the “positive” nature of the crimes, Miller will still be more than likely sentenced to death for his crimes.

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Faux Report

Man Arrested After Going On Murder Spree, Killing Over 30 Registered Sex Offenders

OMAHA, Nebraska – 

A Nebraska man was arrested after he was caught in the act of strangling someone to death in an alley outside of a Omaha McDonald’s, police say. According to reports, Joel Miller, 42, was arrested for assault and attempted murder, and during questioning admitted that he had killed more than 30 people already, all of them registered sex offenders.

“I’ve been killing pedos and perverts for, damn, close to 15 years now,” said Miller. “Started when I was 26 or so, after a girl I was dating was raped and murdered. I tracked the guy down myself, slit his throat. I realized I had a real knack for it after that, so I kept going.”

Miller says that he wishes he hadn’t gotten caught, because he has a list of at least 3 more local “perverts” that he wanted to “knock off.”

“A friend of mine – we go way back – his daughter was molested by his babysitter’s boyfriend. Everyone knew he did it. The police couldn’t prove it. The girl, she’s only 7, she clammed right up. Barely spoken since, and she won’t admit it. Well, I did the world a favor when I cut his dick off and rammed it down his throat.”

Police say that, despite the “positive” nature of the crimes, Miller will still be more than likely sentenced to death for his crimes.

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Faux Report

Serial Killer Escapes From Prison, Police Issue Warning

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CARLSON, California – 

A serial killer who was being housed in a federal maximum security prison on death row has reportedly escaped, according to police. Paul Boucher, 47, was on death row for the murder and dismemberment of over 25 people from 1988 through 2001. He was arrested and convicted in 2014.

Police say that Boucher escaped via a prison laundry truck, but would not give further information for fear that other inmates may be able to use the same methods. Boucher is 47-years-old, is 6’1″ and weighs 220 pounds. He is white, and covered in tattoos on his left arm. He is considered extremely dangerous, and may be headed to Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, Georgia, Maine, or possibly Ontario, Canada.

“This is a very dangerous situation, and Boucher is not a good person,” said police chief Mario Sampson. “He has killed at least 25 people that we know of, but claims that he has killed hundreds more. He will often grab a person, and snap their neck, and then continue to dismember them by hand. He is considered extremely dangerous, whether armed or not.”

Anyone who sees Boucher is asked to call their local police department. Police have refused to release a picture of him, saying he is “too scary,” but to call if anyone in the area fits the description.

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Faux Report

Serial Killer Reportedly Disposed Of Over 50 Bodies Via Curbside Garbage Pick-Up

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PORTLAND, Oregon –

Kyle Brenner, 50, was arrested on Friday morning after a garbage man noticed something funny in the trash in front of Brenner’s home.

“I went to lift up the trash barrel and a finger fell to the ground,” said Mark Jones, 29. “I’ve been hauling garbage for about 3 years, and I’ve seen some crazy shit end up in the trash, but that was the first time I ever saw something human fall to the ground.”

Police were called, and in the investigation, a full body was discovered, that of a woman in her late 20s who has yet to be identified. Brenner was arrested and brought up on charges of murder and improper disposal of human remains. While in police custody, Brenner admitted that he had done the exact same thing more than 50 times, and had never been caught.

“I have been kidnapping, raping, and killing young girls for longer than I can remember,” Brenner said during his police interview. “I have always disposed of them in the same way – putting them in black, Glad trash bags, and putting them on the curb for the garbage man. These women, they’re trash, so I’m just getting rid of them in the most obvious way possible.”

Brenner admits that he chose his victims based solely on size, and that the “smaller the better.”

“When it comes to my sexual preference, I don’t like children, I don’t like boys, and I don’t like animals, but anything else is fair game. When it comes to my preference in killing, I like tiny women,” said Brenner. “They can’t put up as much of a fight, and they fit better in the garbage cans. It’s just common sense, really.”

Brenner is currently being charged on 53 counts of kidnapping, sexual assault, and murder. If convicted, Brenner faces the death penalty.

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Faux Report

Police Pull Over Man For Broken Headlight, Discover Trunk Filled With Human Remains

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MIAMI, Florida –

Frank Kerry, 40, was arrested and charged with murder after police pulled him over for a broken headlight on Sunday evening, only to discover the decomposing bodies of at least 3 people in the trunk of the vehicle.

“I pulled [the man] over for having a headlight out, which is pretty routine,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of Miami PD. “When I approached the vehicle, the man seemed very nervous, and there was an extremely foul odor coming from within the car. I asked Mr. Kerry to step out of the vehicle, and when he did, he ran for it. We caught him only about 50 yards away, and when he was tackled to the ground, he kept screaming ‘don’t look in the trunk!'”

When police did search the vehicle, they found the remains of at least 3 individuals, all disembowelled, beheaded, and cut into pieces. The entire trunk was filled with blood, and the bodies were in varying states of decomposition.

“If I’m being honest, it was the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Officer Goldsmith. “I wanted to vomit looking at the carnage. It was too much to handle.”

Police say that Kerry had a record that included armed robbery and criminal trespass, but nothing that would lead them to believe he was capable of a crime of this caliber.

“We are still investigating whether or not someone else may have been involved,” said Goldsmith. “The investigation is ongoing.”

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Faux Report

Police Pull Over Man For Broken Headlight, Discover Trunk Filled With Human Remains

trunk

MIAMI, Florida –

Frank Kerry, 40, was arrested and charged with murder after police pulled him over for a broken headlight on Sunday evening, only to discover the decomposing bodies of at least 3 people in the trunk of the vehicle.

“I pulled [the man] over for having a headlight out, which is pretty routine,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of Miami PD. “When I approached the vehicle, the man seemed very nervous, and there was an extremely foul odor coming from within the car. I asked Mr. Kerry to step out of the vehicle, and when he did, he ran for it. We caught him only about 50 yards away, and when he was tackled to the ground, he kept screaming ‘don’t look in the trunk!'”

When police did search the vehicle, they found the remains of at least 3 individuals, all disembowelled, beheaded, and cut into pieces. The entire trunk was filled with blood, and the bodies were in varying states of decomposition.

“If I’m being honest, it was the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Officer Goldsmith. “I wanted to vomit looking at the carnage. It was too much to handle.”

Police say that Kerry had a record that included armed robbery and criminal trespass, but nothing that would lead them to believe he was capable of a crime of this caliber.

“We are still investigating whether or not someone else may have been involved,” said Goldsmith. “The investigation is ongoing.”

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Faux Report

Serial Killer Leaves Saltine Crackers On White-Only Victims; Dubbed ‘Cracka-Killer’

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BOSTON, Massachusetts –

The FBI is offering a reward for information leading to identification of the “Cracka-Killer,” who has nine confirmed kills, all of whom were strangled and found with a single saltine cracker placed over each eye. The Cracka-Killer is assumed to be an unmarried black man, age 28-40, who feels “wronged by the white man.” His victims have all been white men and women above age thirty, and were residents of Massachusetts and New York State.

According to John Douglas, a former chief of FBI’s serial crime unit, there are conservatively between 35 and 50 active serial killers on the loose in the US at any given time. Most do not leave such an obvious calling card.

As many tips are expected to flood in, the FBI reminds the public not to call in to report every gang member or man of color buying crackers.

Resident Jay-Rod Brown is offended that they assume it’s a black man. “It’s actually racist to assume the killer is a black man. Maybe he isn’t calling them ‘crackas,’ maybe his momma didn’t give him enough soup as a child. You never know what’s in a psycho’s mind. Or it’s some old cracka who wants to put the suspicion on someone else. That’s my theory.”

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