Tag Archives: Headlines

Faux Report

Clinton Received Debate Questions In Advance, Says Source

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to a source inside the Clinton campaign, not only was Hillary being prompted on the best answers to give, live during the debate via secret ear piece, but that an anonymous staffer at CNN had actually leaked the questions to her in advance.

“It was supposed to be a secret, and no one except Holt was supposed to know the questions in advance,” said the anonymous source. “That’s not even close to true. The case is, Holt had worked with other members of the CNN news team to create the questions. They were actually leaked to us at the Clinton campaign, and not only did we use the information, we actually changed some of the questions.”

The member of Clinton’s campaign said that although the debate was supposed to be on a “level playing field,” they couldn’t take any chances.

“It’s true that we’d been practicing the debates, at night, to make sure that Hillary’s health could sustain the rigorous time constraints, but we had to make sure that we had a leg-up. Why do you think all of her answers were so perfect, so concise – as if she knew what was coming. She’s failing, and it’s happening fast. Her constituents are going in record numbers. We needed to make sure Trump looked like the fool we all know he is.”

No one from Hillary Clinton’s campaign would give an official, on-the-record statement.

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Faux Report

Woman With Concealed Carry Permit Kills Would-Be Robbers, Saves Multiple Lives

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VIRGINIA – 

A woman in Virginia is being hailed as a local hero after she was able to shoot and kill 3 would-be robbers at a department store in her hometown.

Liza Horris, 36, has had her concealed carry permit for more than a decade, and says she “never goes anywhere” without a weapon.

“In all my years of having and firing guns, I’ve never had to shoot at another person,” said Horris. “I hoped that I never would. But, the reason I carry is to protect myself and others, and that’s just what I had to do.”

According to police reports, Horris was shopping at a local department store when three intruders entered the store, and demanded that people “get on the ground.”

“They were waiving around their guns, and I had no idea if they planned to use them – frankly, I didn’t even think. I just reacted,” said Horris.

Police say that Horris, who is an expert marksman, fired only 3 shots, and killed all 3 of the intruders instantly. There are no charges being filed. Horris’ weapon was confiscated at the scene, and returned to her a few days later.

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Faux Report

CONFIRMED: Hillary Wore Secret Ear-Piece During Debate

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NEW YORK – 

It has now been confirmed by an anonymous staffer on the Clinton campaign, that Hillary broke debate rules by wearing a secret ear-piece so that she could be fed information on the fly.

“Because of her failing health, we were extremely worried about the answers she might give, or that she would get confused about the questions,” said the staffer. “Yes, the internet is right – she is, of course, wearing a mic pack under her jacket, as was Trump. But tied into that, we also were able to wire in a thin, flesh-colored ear piece so that we could feed her the answers.”

According to the staffer, whose story has been confirmed by at least 3 other members of the Clinton campaign, Hillary hired a team of more than 20 people to sit at a remote location just about a mile away from the debates, where they were watching both via cable and live feed, and could prompt her with responses as needed, as well as pull up information “in which to bash the hell out of Trump.”

So far, the Hillary camp has not commented on the ear-piece, or given any response to the internet firestorm.

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Faux Report

‘Dance of the Pope’ Computer Virus Running Rampant, Ruins NASDAQ Computers

Pope Reveals Catholic Religion Is 'Hoax That Got Out of Hand'

NEW YORK CITY – 

A new computer virus has been running rampant across the United States and Canada, and is slowly creeping its way across most of the Western World. The ‘Dance of the Pope Virus,’ so called because of a wacky GIF image of the Pope dancing in all the infected emails that are opened, has infected more than 2 million computers worldwide. This morning, it took down 1507 computers on the NASDAQ trading floor.

“One employee opened it, because he’s an idiot, and he didn’t read the email our security team sent out with the warning about the virus, and now we’re all screwed,” said Mario Lewis, a trading agent. “I can’t buy, I can’t sell. I have no idea what’s going on. The market is headed for a big crash if we don’t get these computers up by tomorrow.”

According to security experts, the virus shows up as an email inviting the user to “view a hilarious video of the Pope!” and then proceeds to slowly erase tiny bits of information from the computer after it’s opened.

“This is going to cause nightmares for everyone. If some idiot at the Pentagon opens this on a defense computer, the world could very well end today,” said Lewis.

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Faux Report

New Video Proves Police PLANTED Gun At Scene of Charlotte Shooting

Do you need any more proof that Keith Scott was murdered? A cell phone video made by the wife of Keith Lamont Scott as he was fatally shot by police shows the moments before and after the episode, including the wife’s pleas to her husband to get out of the truck, and her pleas to the officers not to shoot him. But what we are now seeing in the video below is frame by frame movements of what really happened at the scene.

 The video below shows the officer, dressed in a red shirt, place the gun down on the ground where Keith Scott was laying. If you watch the footage in the beginning, there was no gun on the ground! But as the video plays on, and is slowed down frame by frame, you can see the police officer setting a gun down on the ground next to Keith Scott. The photo below shows a gun laying next to Keith Scott. But watch the video below to see how it got there!

Keith Scott was murdered! And this video proves it!

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The video below shows the officer, dressed in a red shirt, place the gun down on the ground where Keith Scott was laying. If you watch the footage in the beginning, there was no gun on the ground! But as the video plays on, and is slowed down frame by frame, you can see the police officer setting a gun down on the ground next to Keith Scott. The photo below shows a gun laying next to Keith Scott. But watch the video below to see how it got there!

(via: Now 8 News)

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Faux Report

No Crimes Reported Anywhere In U.S. During Presidential Debate

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

For the first time in almost all of recorded history, there was absolutely no crime reported anywhere in the United States throughout the hour and a half of the first Presidential debate.

According to statistics from the Bureau of Violent Crime and Police Activity, there were no crimes called into any police department anywhere in the country during the time of the first debates between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, which is an astounding statistic that experts say may never happen again.

“Over 475 million people were at home, watching the debates live on TV or on social media,” said Bureau head Fred Kahn. “During the entire hour and a half – in which there were no commercials or breaks – we found that there were no crimes committed. I’ve been running this bureau for the better part of 20 years, and I’ve never seen it. At no point in our records has something like this ever happened. It’s an anomaly.”

Kahn says that he thinks that people were just too engrossed in the debate to bother committing and crimes.

“It doesn’t matter who it is – black, white, yellow, purple. People of all races, of all types, of all kinds…they came together during this time, and they decided to stop killing and raping and stealing from each other, and they just watched that dumpster fire of a debate. Together. It’s simultaneously the most and least American thing I’ve ever seen.”

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Faux Report

Jill Stein Arrested Trying To Crash Presidential Debate

NEW YORK – 

Green Party candidate Jill Stein was arrested trying to rush the stage and crash the presidential debate Monday night, being tackled by Secret Service agents who caught her before she managed to make it in front of the cameras.

“Jill Stein threw a major tantrum, yelling and screaming and complaining that she wasn’t allowed to be on the stage along with Hillary and Donald,” said Police Chief Richard Moore. “This all happened outside before the event. About midway through, though, she was caught sneaking onto the stage and tried to rush the candidates, hollering about there being a third-party option.”

This was not the first time that Jill Stein was arrested. A similar incident happened four years ago where Stein was arrested for disorderly conduct during the debates. She is being charged with public nuisance, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest.

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Faux Report

Charlotte Mayor Says That Rioters, Looters Will Lose All Welfare and Food Stamp Benefits For Life

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina – 

According to reports from The Baltimore Gazette, anyone in Charlotte caught taking part in riots or looting will automatically lose their food stamp and welfare benefits for life.

“This is the only way that we can think to get people to calm down, take a breath, and stop stealing TVs,” said Charlotte Mayor George Higgins. “It’s only black people out there stealing, and it’s only black people that get welfare – well, you know, at least for the most part.”

Higgins went on to say that there have been several arrests made so far, all based around rioting and looting, and of the 20 or so people who have been taken in, 18 of them were on some form of welfare.

“Of course, the other 2 people who were arrested were not black,” said Higgins. “It’s astounding that the figures just work out so well.”

From The Baltimore Gazette:

According to multiple reports, city officials have announced new measures in an effort to curb the violence sweeping Charlotte since the shooting of Keith Lamont Scott. Any individuals caught rioting, looting, destroying property or otherwise reacting in a violent and unlawful manner will have their government benefits permanently revoked…

The announcement was made shortly after hundreds of national guardsmen and law enforcement officers took to the streets intent on restoring calm to the city. Whether or not the recent announcement had any impact on the chaos remains to be seen as the riots grind on into their tecond night. A curfew will be imposed and it is expected that citizens adhere to it or face steep consequences.

 

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Faux Report

Terrorist Plot Thwarted During Presidential Debate, Secret Service Captures Attempted Bomber

NEW YORK – 

FBI investigators have confirmed that a large-scale terrorist threat was thwarted on Monday evening, only a short time before presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were scheduled to take the stage to begin one of the most historic debates of our time.

According to FBI spokesman Mario Givens, an unnamed Caucasian man, who “pledged his allegiance” to ISIS, had made his way through security at the event, and was planning to detonate a large bomb.

“The man, whose name we are currently not releasing, was able to make his way through security with a suitcase, which is supposed to be strictly forbidden at these events,” said Givens. “We were able to stop the attempted massacre thanks to the quick-thinking and efforts of an incredible police and security detail.”

Donald Trump was quoted as saying that he was “extremely grateful” for the work done by the security teams at the event, and that he is hopeful for a much safer future.

“It’s clear that anyone looking to bomb this event, they were doing it because of Hillary,” said Trump. “Obviously her supporters are whackos, and these people, these whackos, they usually don’t get the upper hand. The police, FBI, and my private security did an amazing job tonight.”

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Faux Report

Convicted Pedophile and Former Subway Pitchman Jared Fogle Endorses Donald Trump

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LITTLETON, Colorado – 

Donald Trump picked up an endorsement today from former Subway pitchman and convicted pedophile Jared Fogle that the presidential candidate might not have wanted.

Fogle is currently serving a 15-year sentence in the Federal Correctional Institution, Englewood near Littleton, Colorado. Sources say Fogle, a self-described political junkie, has been following the presidential campaign closely from prison and rooting for his dear friend, Donald Trump, to win the Republican nomination.

In 1998, Fogle reached out to Trump as a way to gain money to help start a photography business called Happy Kids Photography. They had allegedly met on an online photography forum and “hit it off.”

After Jared was discovered by Subway, Trump often gave the popular pitchman free advice when it came to negotiating contracts with Subway, and even unofficially helped architect the Jared Foundation.

Trump occasionally vacationed with Fogle, travel records logging trips to places such as Thailand and Cambodia. They also enjoyed spending time together, Trump often spending the weekend at Fogle’s home where the men reportedly “enjoyed talking” and “playing checkers.”

Fogle sent this Trump endorsement letter through his lawyers for public release:

Dear American voters:

Donald Trump is one of the most honorable men I’ve ever known. After I was arrested, he provided much needed emotional support and prayer. He prayed for me to find comfort in my time of emotional chaos, and I believe his prayers worked and got me through the legal hell I was in.

I know he continues to pray that I will not be hurt in prison and I think Don is part of why I’m doing so well. I’m even thriving!

A true man of God is what this country needs, one who isn’t afraid to Make This Country Great Again, and that’s what Donald Trump will do. He cares for us all, even those that society has deemed unworthy. That is what a good man does, and that is what a good president should do.

Please cast your vote for Donald Trump.

With my deepest sincerity,

Jared Fogle

The Trump campaign has not responded to the endorsement.

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Faux Report

Hillary Clinton Offered $5M To Make Adult Film With Company Vivid Video

Hillary Clinton Insisting Staff Refer To Her As 'Mrs. President'

LOS ANGELES, California –

Hillary Clinton is taking on a new type of job that may make her numbers drop in the polls.

Trying to keep her name high in the political spotlight through possible scandal, including a massive email snafu, has not been easy. In an extremely surprising change of character, it was announced today that Clinton has signed a multi-million dollar contract with Vivid Video, a well-known adult entertainment company. Neither Vivid not Clinton have commented on exactly what the terms of her deal are, as far as sexual acts that will appear in the film.

Inside sources say that Vivid has begun auditioning actors for a new adult film they plan to release this winter called Bend Me Over Benghazi. The film’s plot is described as a being about a young woman struggling to make it to the top of the hectic, scary, and vile world of politics, all while she uses her orifices to climb the ladder of success. Presumably, Clinton is serving as Vivid’s go-to for information on the behind-the-scenes intrigue and goings-on of political life.

Despite Vivid trying to keep their deal a secret, they did comment saying “What people are saying about our contract and deals, they may or may not be true. Just watch our website cum (sic) the end of the year, and you can see for yourself what we’re up to.”

With the news breaking right as Trump takes a lead in the polls, questions abound as to whether Clinton still plans to stay in the race. Her normally staunch supporters seem to be less-than-thrilled about the news of her working in the adult industry, even if she doesn’t end up working in front of the camera.

“You can’t run a country if the people you are in control of know what you look like naked,” said Anthony Wiener, former New York State congressman. “I know that once I sent out all those cock pics to everyone, there was no way I was becoming president.”

“I don’t know what her deal is, and I don’t care,” Said current vice-president Dick Cheney. “All I know is that if she ends up in a porno, that is one tape that I definitely have to see.”

Bend Me Over Benghazi is scheduled for release in November. Clinton and her representatives refused comment for this article.

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Faux Report

Woman Drives SUV Into Store Because They Are Out Of Crystal Pepsi

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LANE COUNTY, Texas – 

When Noella Fay, 45, found out her local Safeway was out of Crystal Pepsi, she did not take the news well. Fay was asked to leave after repeatedly demanding employees “get more from the back.” Shift leader, Rich York threatened to call the police if Fay did not leave the store, after assuring the disgruntled customer they were completely out of the product.

Shortly thereafter Fay returned, droving her SUV into the store down an aisle to the back of the store. She then backed up and drove between the check stands and the aisles and drove out the other doors. No one was injured, according to Sgt. Rich Charboneau , but the Chevrolet Tahoe left the store in tatters.

“It goes without saying that we are just grateful that no customers or employees were harmed in our Springfield Safeway this morning,” said Jill McGinnis, communications manager with Safeway.

Police found Fay’s SUV abandoned. Officers arrested Fay at her home.

Now, Fay’s sister and husband want the public to know: that isn’t the Noella Yvonne Fay they know and love. The 43-year-old has bipolar 1 disorder, according to her husband and sister.

Fay’s medication had recently been modified, her sister said.

“I think her doctors may have been a little negligent, honestly,” Fay’s sister Joeleen Alcantar said. “If you look at her record, you know her mom just died. You know, she’s going two or three days a month with not getting a lot of sleep – and you’re OK to lower that medication? You kidding me?”

Alcantar said Fay used to work as a case worker. She lost her job after a manic episode.

Her family says they’ve called police for help in the past.

“You call the cops, and the cops tell you: ‘Sorry, there’s nothing you can do ’til she hurts herself or hurts others’,” her husband Brian Fay said. “Well, that’s what it took to get her in there.”

The Fays have a daughter and son together.

But she had been in and out of the home over the last few days. She lost her cell phone, and family members weren’t able to keep track of her whereabouts.

Now Fay is in the Lane County Jail, facing criminal charges. What happens next is up to the district attorney, police said.

“Just a question for you guys,” Alcantar asked. “How would you feel if that was your child in Safeway and she went in there? You would hate her if anything happened to your child. I hate the system, because something is going to happen to my sister. She’s a victim, too.”

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Black Lives Matter Group Sued For Being Racist, Not Allowing White Members

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A group of angry white people have filed a motion in the Supreme Court to have the Black Lives Matter movement disbanded, labelling them a hate group who stops white members from joining. The group of individuals, who at this point have not released their names, are also suing the Black Lives Matter group for an undisclosed sum.

“We are tired of being marginalized and held back because of the color of our skin,” read a statement released from the group of white, Christian men. “We wanted to help and to spread the word of the Black Lives Matter movement, but they have held us back from joining at every cost. They are not about love. They are about hate and discrimination.”

A Supreme Court judge will hear the full case on Tuesday, and is expected to determine the merits.

A formal statement from the Black Lives Matter group was received too late to include in this publishing.

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Gary Johnson Says He’ll Give Everyone Who Votes For Him $100

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In what he says is his way of “giving back,” Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson says that for anyone who can prove that they vote for him in the general election, he will personally send them $100.

“People have been giving candidates money for years, and for all but one guy, that money is wasted, because they don’t win,” said Johnson. “Now, I want to be able to give some back. Whether I am elected or not, if you vote for me, I will mail you a $100 bill.”

Johnson says that he is challenging Donald Trump to do the same thing, and wants him to take it a step further.

“Donald Trump is a pussy, so I know he will never do this,” said Johnson. “But that guy is supposedly a billionaire, so I think he should give every one of his voters $500. He could, supposedly, afford it, and you know what, it would make him look like less of a pussy in my eyes.”

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