Tag Archives: fistfight

Faux Report

Donald Trump Declines Debate With Sanders, Suggests Fistfight Instead

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump on Friday said he would not debate Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders because it would be “inappropriate” to square off against the candidate who currently trails Hillary Clinton in the Democratic primary fight. Trump initially agreed to do the interview, and then changed his mind numerous times in the span of a few days.

Sanders calls Trump a liar. Trump responded by saying, “Oh, Crazy Ol’ Bernie, don’t listen to him and his so called logic.” Trump went on to say, “I did not decide to debate with Bernie because as a business man I don’t agree to a deal where I don’t come out ahead. My supporters don’t care about things like debates. What speaks to my supporters is good old fashioned blood, and I’d knock that old Jew into next week.”

Political analyst Eugune Scott told CNN, “I didn’t think he’d [Trump] fare very well in a fight with Sanders. Plus, do we really need anymore proof what a barbaric ignoramus Trump is?”

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Faux Report

Fistfight Occurs Between Ted Cruz and Jeb Bush on Campaign Trail

tedjeb

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Things are getting heated on the campaign trail, as even politicians of the same party are having words. Sources inside the Republican parrty say that both Bush and Cruz were careful to keep out of the eyes of the press during a recent fight, and the whole affair was considered “off the record.”

An intern working closely with Bush says, “Cruz broke the gentlemen’s code and hit Bush in the face. He’s going to need to wear extra foundation. The unwritten code between candidates is below the belt is fine, but don’t throw any punches that could mar a fellow’s face.”

Sources close to Cruz say the fight started because Cruz accused Jeb Bush of being a sore loser. In the polls, Bush is coming in a distant third. “The 2000, election where Al Gore got the popular vote – well, at first Jeb Bush did not want to rig the election to help George W. He wanted to be president. Daddy Bush told him that it was Georgie’s turn now, and Jeb would get to be president after. Jeb went along with it, but now he’s not getting what he was promised. So he’s being a poor sport.”

Cruz appears to be taking a more macho approach to his campaign in general. After the fistfight with Bush, Cruz challenged Trump to a Mano-a-Mano debate anytime between now and he Iowa caucus. Among candidates in the Republican party, this is equivalent to posturing like an aggressive ape and growling.

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