Tag Archives: education

Faux Report

Florida School To Allow Students To Bring Guns To Class For Protection

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MIAMI, Florida –

A school district in Miami has voted to allow students in grades 3-12 to bring guns and other weapons to school, in hopes that it will curb a potential deadly school shooting.

“We strongly believe that if a student here wanted to come in and cause a massacre, that it can be thwarted by them knowing that the entire school is packing,” said Principal Jorge Kelly. “While most teachers were leery of bringing guns onto campus, these children have grown up with video games like Call of Duty, and watched violent movies since birth. They know how to handle a weapon.”

Parents of students in the district say they are already “sleeping more soundly” knowing that such a sweeping change was happening that would protect their children.

“We are very grateful to the school district for allowing this to happen,” said Maria Lambert, a parent of a child in 7th grade. “My son already has a rifle that we gifted him for hunting with his grandfather. Now he can bring it to class, and we will feel much safer.”

“I’m so stoked to bring my gat to class,” said high school sophomore Chris Rifkin. “I bought it from a bro I know, and he says the thing shoots straight as hell. If any motherfucker comes up in this bitch ready to pop off, I’m gonna place a few between his eyes. Blat! Blat! Bitch.”

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Faux Report

Teenager Arrested and Expelled After Pretending To Be Transgender So He Can Use Girls’ Showers

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HORNWOOD, South Carolina – 

A student at a high school in South Carolina has been arrested and expelled from school after it was discovered that he was not, as purported, a transgender student, but was in fact just trying to sneak into the girls’ showers so he can see them naked.

As reported by World News Daily Report:

Soccamee high school officials were alarmed by the student’s indecent behavior after several students and parents lodged complaints and reported the “immoral behavior” to school administrators.

The transgender male student was recently allowed by school officials to use all female washrooms, including having access to the girl’s locker room, after he had asked to be treated as a biological female.

The transgender male student also allegedly bragged about how the school would let him take showers with the girls just because he “wore a wig” and “painted his nails” according to several students.

The student, who has not been named, was arrested after it was stated that he inappropriately touched several of the girls while in the shower, and even was found masturbating while the girls were changing.

“He always had this huge erection while we were in the shower, I never understood why the school allowed a boy to be in the girls’ shower with us,” one female student told local reporters. “And I do mean huge. It kind of made me wish that he wasn’t a she, or…whatever. I just wanted him to ask for my number. I’ve gone black, but I’d definitely go back for that.”

The student was expelled from the school, and arrested on charges of lewd conduct and sexual battery.

 

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Faux Report

President Trump Backtracks On ‘Arming Teachers’ Idea; Claims He Forgot There Were Black Teachers

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump has gone back on his statements about arming teachers throughout the United States, claiming that he now considers it a “bad idea.”

“When I originally talked about arming the teachers of this country, with plans of having them trained and organized in order to better protect our children, it didn’t occur to me that we also have, well, you know…Blacks teaching our kids,” said Trump. “Obviously, we cannot arm more black people. They are half the reason we have gun violence in the first place.”

Trump also went on to state that no one had told him that there are, in some instances, teachers of a Mexican descent, as well as Muslim school teachers.

“The idea of arming these people, that’s something I cannot deal with,” said Trump. “There definitely is an answer we need to find for the protection of our students, of our schools, but arming minorities isn’t the way.”

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Faux Report

The FDA and CDC Just CONFIRMED That Vaccines Cause Autism

autism

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

There’s widespread and growing lack of confidence in the safety of vaccines. If you know anyone who still believes that vaccines can’t cause autism, you might want to show them this article. Take a look at the DTaP vaccine insert:

dtap-autism-insert

These reports come directly from the FDA website, where they have had it posted for several years, although it was “buried” under a lot of links and other research that obscured the actual research.

“This has been a problem for many, many years, and I’m glad it’s finally coming to light,” said Dr. Mario Garcia, who was one of the first to find the correlation between vaccines and autism. “I was shut out for years from being able to talk about this, but now that others are finding out, I am very grateful. Please, do not vaccinate your children.”

 

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Faux Report

Mother Says Playground Equipment Hurts Her Child’s Feelings And Needs To Be REMOVED

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Redwood Falls, MN-

Mother Candice Benner is suing Reede Gray Elementary School to install more handicap accessible equipment. Mrs. Benner says if they do not act soon she will tear the existing equipment out herself.

“It’s bad enough the kids run around in front of her. Tabatha’s dream is to play kickball, but of course they refuse to modify the rules so she can participate. But the biggest indignity is that she can’t use the slide. If they refuse to update the equipment, it should all be torn out…and if they don’t act soon, I’ll take it out myself.”

Superintendent, Rich Smellingworth says they simply do not have it in their budget. The school was forced to update their playground equipment five years before when Mothers Against Wooden Playground Equipment (MAWPE) sued the school to update the equipment. Although the small school did not have any handicapped children at the time they did include two disability friendly swings in accordance with the American’s with Disabilities Act.

PTA mother, Amy Dixon thinks the money could be better allocated. “If, we could afford one of them special slides there I’d be for it, but we can’t. And honestly I think when there is extra money in the budget our first priority should be taking the toxic GMO ingredients out of the cafeteria. It would be something for all the children, including Mrs. Benner’s daughter. Perhaps with a preservative free diet she would have more mobility.”

Another parent , who wishes to remain anonymous says, “Well it’s not fair to her daughter. But life aint fair…Should we chop off the little boys’ you-know-whats because some of the girls have penis envy. Life aint fair.”

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Symphony

Encore of Revival: America, July 10, 2017

Donald Trump Tweeting himself is important. It’s more important that Jame’s Comey writing classified information in his personal memos, more important than cutting the environmental red tape holding back pollution, more important than DeVos re-making 1965 education law, more important than Dodd-Frank regulations being scrapped, even more important than Obamacare about to bite the dust!

In fact, Trump’s Tweet about himself is more important than a young man’s privacy, than his dignity—it’s even more important than CNN’s own credibility with the public.

America’s new president is anything but a fool. He knows exactly where to throw a scrap of meat to the dogs, how big it should be, exactly how long it will take for them to scramble for it. He is the master of the spotlight, whether his own spotlight or shining a spotlight on someone else to blind them from what he is doing.

And, he is doing a lot.

He has made massive rollbacks in Obama-era rules. This is arguably one of Obama’s biggest failings—that Obama left everything he worked for so easy to undo. He made rules with the stroke of a pen, Trump undid them with the stroke of a pen. But under Trump, Betsy DeVos is exploring fundamental legislative changes to education—and that’s just the beginning.

The Trump administration is pushing legislation that rarely gets mentioned in light of top titles—military, tax… Obamacare… While Republicans are fighting amongst each other over the optics of disagreeing with Obamacare, other laws are getting passed without any scrutiny from the media. And, it’s all thanks to pop culture’s obsession with everything that doesn’t matter. Pop culture got Trump elected and pop culture will get his policies passed.

Obama’s legacy is being undone because he didn’t work. He didn’t work with Congress to get laws that would outlast a Republican majority. He spent too much time golfing. He gave too many long-winded speeches and didn’t produce enough hard-earned, well-manufactured product. Compared to Trump, Obama was lazy. That’s why Trump is getting his way: work.

No attack can harm a man who works. No media smear can hurt him. It’s not that all press is good press all the time. Rather, all press is good press for those who work.

Right and wrong, for both better and worse, we are entering an era dominated by people who work.

continue reading

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Faux Report

Trump Awards Most Prestigious Education Award, The President’s Academic Medal, To Son Barron

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In an act of unprecedented nepotism, President Trump gave his son Barron the most prestigious award available to a child enrolled in public school, The President’s Academic Medal.

The award, which is given out once yearly to a student nominated by a teacher and a principal in a public grade or middle school, also comes with a tax-funded $75,000 scholarship to college.

“It is with great pleasure that I award the President’s Academic Medal to my son, Barron Trump, who is without a doubt the most deserving student to have ever received this award. I am pleased that he was nominated by his teacher, also known as his mother Melania, and his principal – myself, Donald Trump. It shows that he is extremely smart, almost as smart as his dad. He’s definitely the smartest of my children, at least my children under 20 years old. He’s also a very handsome, beautiful young man, just like his dad was at that age. I’m so glad to have the privilege of giving him this award.”

Barron accepted the award by looking bored and tired, and playing with his fidget spinner. He was not asked to speak publicly.

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Faux Report

Betsy DeVos: ‘Dropping Out of School Is Best Choice For Many Kids’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, who was appointed by Donald Trump to oversee the country’s education, said today that she feels that a good choice for many children will be to drop out of school all together.

“Sometimes, kids are just stupid, lazy, or stupid and lazy, and the best choice for them would be to drop out and start working early,” said DeVos, who has never attended a public school. “McDonalds employees, ditch diggers, and construction workers or laborers, they can all work very well having little to no education. There’s no reason that I can see that a child who is just going to be burden on the school system shouldn’t leave – or be asked to leave.”

DeVos has said she is working with Trump to decide if the age in which a child can leave school, which is currently set at 16, should be lowered.

“I believe that there are kids who are 7 or 8 years old who we know, by that point, are not going to make it through school,” said DeVos. “Should we force them, encourage them, and help them to learn if they’re just never going to be smart enough to make it through? That’s a waste of time and, frankly, a waste of money. Better to cut ties early, I think. It will just hurt the education of kids who aren’t idiots if we leave in all these little retards.”

DeVos says that letting “kids who are morons” leave schools could save taxpayers billions of dollars over only a few short years.

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Faux Report

Betsy DeVos: ‘Dropping Out of School Is Best Choice For Many Kids’

devos

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, who was appointed by Donald Trump to oversee the country’s education, said today that she feels that a good choice for many children will be to drop out of school all together.

“Sometimes, kids are just stupid, lazy, or stupid and lazy, and the best choice for them would be to drop out and start working early,” said DeVos, who has never attended a public school. “McDonalds employees, ditch diggers, and construction workers or laborers, they can all work very well having little to no education. There’s no reason that I can see that a child who is just going to be burden on the school system shouldn’t leave – or be asked to leave.”

DeVos has said she is working with Trump to decide if the age in which a child can leave school, which is currently set at 16, should be lowered.

“I believe that there are kids who are 7 or 8 years old who we know, by that point, are not going to make it through school,” said DeVos. “Should we force them, encourage them, and help them to learn if they’re just never going to be smart enough to make it through? That’s a waste of time and, frankly, a waste of money. Better to cut ties early, I think. It will just hurt the education of kids who aren’t idiots if we leave in all these little retards.”

DeVos says that letting “kids who are morons” leave schools could save taxpayers billions of dollars over only a few short years.

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Faux Report

House That Normally Gives Drugs On Halloween Disappoints Families By Only Giving Candy

ATLANTA, Georgia –

You always hear about it on the news, but you never knew where it was. As it turns out, the answer to the question of “where is that house that always gives drugs to kids on Halloween?” is: Atlanta, Georgia. Except, not anymore. The one house in the nation that always could be counted on to give hardcore, expensive, mind-altering drugs to you children has decided that they need to clean up their act.

“We normally give really cool ecstasy tabs or MDMA pills or, really, whatever we have on hand,” said the homeowner, who would rather not be named publicly. “We have had kids, and parents, of course, lining up around the block before. We’re all about giving back to the community, but we really couldn’t afford it this year. It normally runs us about a quarter of a million to hand that stuff out on Halloween, and with the cost of living increases, Obamacare premiums, and gas prices, we just can’t handle it.”

The owners have said that they plan to just give candy this year, but to appease some angry kids and their uptight parents, they have decided they will give full-sized chocolate bars, and not minis.

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Faux Report

Florida High School Shut Down After Zika Outbreak Infects Hundreds

MIAMI, Florida – 

In the most intense infection of any recent epidemic, a Miami high school has had to shut its doors after a student who was infected with Zika spread the virus to over 100 students.

“It’s crazy how fast it happened, and there wasn’t anything anyone could do,” said Principal Jack Miller. “The student didn’t know he was infected. Apparently he got it from his family’s illegal maid. Once he came in sick, the place was destroyed faster than Europe during the plague.”

The local Miami chapter of the CDC was called in last Monday to evacuate and quarantine the building. All the students are being forced to stay home for their own safety. Of the 107 confirmed cases of the infection, 32 of the kids and teens were hospitalized. So far, none of the teachers or staff have shown any signs of infection.

The school says they may not be able to open for several months, and that many of the students will have to repeat the school year.

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Faux Report

Teenagers Hijack School Bus During Riot

STARLIGHT, Texas – 

19 year old Jacob Hicks is in custody for seizing control of a school bus during what fellow passengers describe as a riot. Tabitha Lawrence, who was injured in the altercation says it all started when the boys in the back of the bus were told to move up front.

“They were always giving the bus driver a hard time. He put the lights on and told them to shut up and refused to go up front. I didn’t see who it was but one of them threw his boot at the driver and then it was just chaos. It was like in the movies, the last day of school when everyone throws their papers in the air and goes wild, but like if everyone just started punching each other afterward.”

At that point Jacob Hicks wrestled the bus driver out of his seat and took the wheel. Other boys threw the driver from the bus as Hicks accelerated.

The bus driver, Erwin Mathis, escaped with minor injuries. He says this incident will not end his bus driving career.

“They may steal my bus but they will never take my love of driving bus away from me.”

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Faux Report

At 96 Heimlich Performs His Own Maneuver; Says ‘Life Is Complete’

CINCINNATI, Ohio – 

Dr. Henry Heimlich, 96, used the Heimluch maneuver to save Patty Ris, 87, at Deupree House in Cincinnati, and the famous doctor says his life is now complete and he can die happy.

Dr.Heimlich didn’t hesitate. When a fellow diner started choking, the 96-year-old was ready to perform the maneuver that he invented. Perry Gaines, an employee of the Deupree House, who had in fact performed the Heimlich maneuver before, ran toward her table, eager to be a hero, but Dr. Heimlich pushed him out of the way.

“She was sitting in the chair and I turned her around and put my arms around her and pushed below the ribcage. After three compressions this piece of meat came out. It felt wonderful. I had been holding on for this moment, waiting on it my entire life, you could say. I wasn’t about to let some young stud take my moment,” Dr. Heimlich said, referring to the employee who tried to get between him and his moment of glory. “It is a culmination of my life’s work. Now I can die happy…and I have quite a bit of money from Heimlich maneuver royalties, so if anyone can refer me to a nice Kevorkian, I’d tip well. Being this old is worse than I could have imagined. Really I was not doing Patty any favors, saving her life. ”

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Faux Report

Sallie Mae Forced To Forgive Student Debt To Over 100 Million Students

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Sallie Mae, the leading scam group of vile assholes to whom more than 250 million people owe their lives and money to, is being forced by the United States government to forgive the debt of nearly 100 million current and former students, thanks to new laws passed by President Obama.

According to the White House press release, Sallie Mae will be forced to wipe the slate clean for nearly 100 million students, as it was found that the company used lies and deceitful tactics in securing loan repayments from people.

“I was told that if I paid $50, that I could have an extra six months to start payments, because I was out of school, but hadn’t started work yet,” said Mark Downs, a former student at UCLA. “I paid the $50, and then a month later I get calls from collection agencies. Sallie Mae had turned me over to outside headhunters to get their money. When I told them that Sallie Mae had said I’d have six more months, the rep for the new company said, ‘yeah, they tell that to everyone.'”

Those kinds of practices lead president Obama to work with congress to secure laws that would not allow for-profit companies like Sallie Mae to deal directly with students, causing most debt to be wiped away.

“This company, and several others, have lied people to and falsified information, and they deserve to be punished,” said President Obama in the press release. “We have worked extremely hard to make it so that people who have been hurt financially and emotionally by this company do not have to pay money that, in other circumstances, they would have been able to pay.”

There is currently no word on when or how the program will be put into effect.

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