Remains of Gangster Jimmy Hoffa Finally Discovered – You Won’t BELIEVE Where They Found Them!

hoffa

DETROIT, Michigan –

A startling discovery was made in downtown Detroit on Wednesday, as a group of children were playing in one of the city’s many abandoned and dilapidated homes. According to police, two young boys were inside the rundown home’s basement when they called 911 to report they found bones.

“The two children, Mario and Carl Miller, aged 11 and 14, discovered what turned out to be a femur while playing in an abandoned house,” said Police Chief Ravi Moore. “After police arrived on scene with a crime scene investigator, we were able to unearth an entire skeleton, which has since been identified through forensic testing to be the remains of Jimmy Hoffa, the world-famous gangster.”

According to Chief Moore and the Detroit Coroner’s Office, it seems as though Hoffa died of natural causes.

“Best we can guess, is that he was hiding out in the basement of this home for an unknown amount of time. Like most of Detroit, the house has been in ruins since the mid-70s, which is around the time he went missing,” said Moore. “No one has lived in this house since, and we assume that at some point, parts of the house just sort of collapsed on him. His death has been ruled as an accident. As it turns out, there was no foul play involved at all.”

Hoffa’s remains will remain in Detroit, and eventually set up on display at the Smithsonian Museum.

Faux Report

Father Beats, Castrates Man Who He Says ‘Looked At Daughter In The Wrong Way’

DETROIT, Michigan –

A Detroit man was arrested after he viciously beat and castrated a man who looked at his 16-year-old daughter while passing on the street. Carl Grover, 47, says that Mick Lowe, 19, deserved the attack, because he “checked out” his daughter.

“That sick bastard looked at my baby’s ass when we walked by on the street, and that ain’t no way to be acting around girls, especially my daughter,” said Grover. “Ain’t no one going to be thinking about putting their dick into my daughter, so ripped his off with my bare hands.”

Lowe, who is hospitalized and has already gone through 14 hours of extensive surgeries, is stable, but doctors say that his penis is completely gone, with no chance of being reattached.

“We have tried to make his penis a useable organ again, but the assailant was vicious in his attack, and tore it apart like a rabid dog,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, a surgeon who has been treating Lowe. “It’s the most violent attack I believe I’ve ever seen.”

Lowe says that he never even noticed Grover or his daughter, until he was attacked from behind after he has passed them by.

“I definitely didn’t look at his daughter like he says,” claims Lowe. “I don’t normally go around checking out the backside of girls as I walk down the street. I mean, that isn’t typical of any gay man that I know.”

Symphony