Tag Archives: Death Row

Faux Report

Death Row Inmate Requests Human Cadaver As Final Meal Before Execution

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BALTIMORE, Maryland – 

A death row inmate, 39-year-old Bryan Bryant, who was found guilty of murdering 18 people in the early 2000s, reportedly requested to have a “human cadaver” as his last meal. Maryland law dictates that an inmate can ask for anything they would like to eat, and it will be served. The law does not get specific enough to say that the item must be a “normal” food item, or create provisions that would not allow certain things to be requested.

“Mr. Bryant requested to eat an entire human as his final meal before execution, and the Maryland Board of Prisons was able to prepare his request for him,” said warden Joel Higgins. “It was an odd request, for sure, and we had several protestors who said it was not a ‘good use’ for a body that was donated to science, but in the end, Mr. Bryant’s rights and wishes were not impeded.”

According to Higgins, they procured a recently deceased 47-year-old female, who died of a heroin overdose. Her name was not released to protect her family from embarrassment. Bryant was executed on Friday via lethal injection.

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Faux Report

Death Row Inmate Requests Olive Garden’s Never Ending Pasta Bowl For Last Meal

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PUTNAM, Florida –

The Florida Department of Corrections offers death row inmates the option of requesting a final meal on the day of the scheduled execution.  Guidelines specify that food items must be purchased locally, and the cost cannot exceed $40.

Del Berkley, convicted of homicide and armed robbery in 2008, asked prison officials for something they had never seen before.  He wrote down “Unlimited Pasta Bowl” as his last meal, the first request of its kind.  “I love me some Olive Garden,” Berkley said. The meal only costs $29.99 at the local restaurant.

“I wasn’t sure it was something we could accommodate,” said Prison Warden Raymond Jeffries.  “If the meal was never-ending, then we would never be able to do the actual killing of the inmate. It was an odd request, but we are required by law to fulfill it.”

Manager of the local Olive Garden, Ken Fisher, says that he welcomes Berkley to enjoy their never-ending pasta dish, and says that they are “overjoyed” that he has chosen their restaurant as their last meal.

The last meal’s monetary cap mentions nothing about off-site meals.  “That’s something we should have thought about, looking back on it,” said Warden Jeffries.  “Then of course, there’s the issue of finding people willing to eat their meal next to a convicted criminal, and the fact that we’d have to do a headcount once an hour. We’ll figure it out.”

The request was submitted to Florida Governor Rick Scott, who convened a special meeting with officials from the Florida Department of Corrections, members of the American Civil Liberties Union, and family members of Berkley’s victim -convenience store owner Martin Fales – killed during the 2008 robbery.

It is precisely because of this reason that many correctional institutions have done away with the last meal request for death row prison inmates.

 

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Faux Report

Serial Killer Escapes From Prison, Police Issue Warning

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CARLSON, California – 

A serial killer who was being housed in a federal maximum security prison on death row has reportedly escaped, according to police. Paul Boucher, 47, was on death row for the murder and dismemberment of over 25 people from 1988 through 2001. He was arrested and convicted in 2014.

Police say that Boucher escaped via a prison laundry truck, but would not give further information for fear that other inmates may be able to use the same methods. Boucher is 47-years-old, is 6’1″ and weighs 220 pounds. He is white, and covered in tattoos on his left arm. He is considered extremely dangerous, and may be headed to Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, Georgia, Maine, or possibly Ontario, Canada.

“This is a very dangerous situation, and Boucher is not a good person,” said police chief Mario Sampson. “He has killed at least 25 people that we know of, but claims that he has killed hundreds more. He will often grab a person, and snap their neck, and then continue to dismember them by hand. He is considered extremely dangerous, whether armed or not.”

Anyone who sees Boucher is asked to call their local police department. Police have refused to release a picture of him, saying he is “too scary,” but to call if anyone in the area fits the description.

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