Tag Archives: Cocaine

Faux Report

Ex-President Obama Arrested After Routine Traffic Stop Turns Up Trunk Full of Cocaine

obama

HONOLULU, Hawaii – 

Former President Barack Obama was reportedly arrested in Hawaii late last evening after a routine traffic stop turned into chaos, as Obama was heard swearing, yelling, and seen attempting to hit a police officer. When his car was searched, police found nearly 20 pounds of pure cocaine in the trunk of his car.

“Originally, I stopped Obama only because he was driving with a light out,” said Officer Mike Daniels. “I didn’t know it was him until I approached the window. I planned on letting him go, but he came on very strong, and was swearing at me. When I asked him if he was okay, he got out of the car and proceeded to take a swing at me. Unfortunately, I had to use my taser on him, and he went down like Hillary in the general election.”

Obama claims that the car he was driving was a rental, and that he had “no idea” how the cocaine could have gotten into the trunk. Police released the former President on bail. He is scheduled to appear in a Honolulu courtroom on March 9th.

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Faux Report

Cancer Found To Be Cured Completed With ‘Extremely Common’ Item

researchers

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Boston Medical Center are planning to release a new study that proves that all cancers – even some of the most rare and previously un-treatable cancers such as brain or lymph node – can be easily cured with one ‘extremely common’ item.

“We have been working on a cure for Cancer for as long as we’ve known about the disease, and we have finally found the answer,” said Dr. Phil Brooks. “Really the cure was right there under our noses, as it were, the entire time.”

Dr. Brooks says that he and his team all developed a severe cocaine habit during the testing phase, as the long nights and early days were making it extremely hard to stay awake and concentrate.

“It was then we realized, after a night of doing copious amounts of blow, that we had the bright idea to test the drug on our lab rats. Within a month, all of the animals that we had given cancer were cured,” said Dr. Brooks. “We moved on a few months later to trials in adult humans.”

Of the 2,000 people that the doctors test the cocaine theory on, every single one of them had their cancer disappear within a few weeks, or sooner in cases of “common cancers” like skin or colon.

“It’s miraculous, truly,” said Dr. Brooks.

The team plan to publish their full study in the next Journal of Bizarre Medicine. 

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Faux Report

Coca-Cola To Bring Back Original Recipe Soda Made With Cocaine

coke

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

For years, Coca-Cola has been the only company in the world with government licensing to import the coca plant, the same one used in making cocaine, for use in their products. The company literally “de-cocanizies” the plants, and uses natural extracts of them to create the “natural flavors” of the soda. All that changes, though, next month, when Coca-Cola brings back their original recipe, which no longer takes the cocaine out of the coca plant.

“Back in the day, the original recipe for Coca-Cola called for actual cocaine extract, as it was a medicine and not a drink,” said company CEO Reed Sterling. “We plan to bring back that original recipe, and market it as a beverage. In this day and age, kids are looking for the next hot, new beverage. We believe Original Coca-Cola will be that drink.”

Sterling says that the normal price of the beverage, which is approximately $2 on average for a 2-liter, will, of course, drastically increase.

“Unfortunately, with these awesome changes we’re making, a market increase will naturally have to occur,” said Sterling. “The current average price of $2 will be closer to $30 based on the amount of cocaine we will be using per batch, per bottle, but we really feel that our consumers will enjoy the taste of what we’re calling Coca-Caineola.”

The new beverage is expected to hit shelves next month, in direct competition with PepsiCo’s new Pepsi 1893, which is made with real kola extract and natural sugars.

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Faux Report

Sleep Deprivation Diet Helps You Lose Weight By Staying Up For Days

meth

COMPTON, California – 

One of the newest crazes in America and the weight loss industry is the Sleep Deprivation diet, which consists of staying up for days on end, with no food, in order to starve the fat out of your body. All of the people who have tried it say that the diet works immensely well, and that staying up for long periods of time is easy with chemical help.

“I’ve been up for 4 days straight, and I’ve already lost 9 pounds,” said Jamica Jackson of South Central, California. “The first day or so, it was hard keeping my eyes open, so I just started smoking tons of meth, and that keeps me wide the fuck awake, not gonna lie.”

Most of the people on the Sleep Deprivation diet are also hardcore drug addicts, who stay awake by snorting cocaine, smoking meth, or taking copious amounts of speed.

“Oh shit, yeah. I get so much work done, and I don’t eat shit when I’m on speed,” said Peter Berg, of West Memphis, Tennessee. “I was up for 6 straight days last week. Lost 31 pounds. This diet is amazing.”

The diet was created by a former addict, Mario Lorne, who says he started preaching about the diet after he lost 22 pounds on a week-long binge.

“I smoked enough meth to kill a tenured prostitute, and then I did more lines than a bad stand-up comedian,” said Lorne. “That was a year ago. I was up for 8 straight days before I crashed out. Didn’t want to eat a thing while I was high on crank and shit, and I lost a ton of weight. I realized that was the best thing going, and I started spreading the word.”

Lorne has said that several major publishers have approached him about writing a self-help book about weight loss, and that he is expecting the trend to become much larger nationwide as time goes on and more people hear about the Sleep Deprivation diet.

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