Tag Archives: China

Symphony

Cadence of Conflict: Asia, April 13, 2015

China’s new bank (AIIB, Asian Infrastructure Investment Bank) dominated headlines this week. AIIB’s history suggests China wants infrastructure money without being told to clean up the environment, respect human rights, or play nice with their hope-to-be soon-to-be-annexed neighbors. The US could have jumped-in and controlled AIIB, but didn’t, as if the US anticipates that AIIB may lose money after, say, a conflict in the Pacific.

The bank seems to be a line in the sand for US allies in the Pacific, but not so much in Europe. The Internet is flooded with articles claiming that China won’t control their own bank, some of which Cadence has too much dignity to link to. Does hiring Westerners to run the Chinese bank make it less “Chinese”? Beijing marketing departments might think so.

Isn’t it interesting that China is creating a bank for infrastructure while, at the same time, China is building up their military to knock-out existing infrastructure in places like Taiwan? All this Pacific infrastructure talk smells a little “fishy”, as it were. China wants to invest. The US doesn’t. The bank controversy may not be about politics, but about money—gambling on who will get a return on their investment after… “something” happens and “someone” wins.

China is building up in the Pacific and the US isn’t afraid to say so, especially to Taiwan. Taiwan made more great poses for the camera with the US, which China won’t like. Taiwan is rolling out a new political party, which the Establishment won’t like.

Chinese corruption and the environment crossed swords this week. No one seems to have asked why China has so much corruption. The answer would likely be that strong households maintain themselves first, while those who think more about their neighbors often leave the own homes in disrepair.

Chinese and Western press exchanges drew a little more attention than normal this week. We see a pattern in both press and policy: Poke at China and they spill their beans; oppose China from abroad and they try to annex you, “by force if necessary”. Michael Cole deserves a medal for getting a Chinese general to give away more of Beijing’s intentions, this time with classy Beijing graphics, though the Pacific Daily Times doesn’t exactly share a coterminous opinion on Israel; we like Israel at the Times. But Michael is as informed as he is thought provoking—and good at provoking the PLA into revealing strategy. With ISIS on the move so much that even Japan is watching, we all might come around to appreciating Israel for standing in their way.

What makes a nation aggressive? Will China give up its claim to the map if the good guys erase themselves from it? An academic blog article encourages the US to infiltrate China’s new bank, claiming that the US is partially to blame for its creation. While joining China’s AIIB might be a good idea—had war on the horizon not made it a risky investment for the Yanks—China didn’t create that AIIB bank because of lack of control in the IMF.

Obama’s election wouldn’t make Al Sharpton complain less nor would Israel’s annihilation suddenly make ISIS stop burning people alive. Limbaugh predicted it: Obama’s election preceded a spike in ethnic tension in America. ISIS is angry that they don’t already control Europe because Israel is in their way. If China controlled the IMF, the AIIB would already be open for business. And if China acquired Taiwan, Beijing would soon publish genealogical claims to Tokyo, and why not Jerusalem and Tehran too?

Top Stories

Britain’s Support for China’s AIIB Means Japan, Parroting the U.S., Is Trapped

…Old, but shows the controversy surfacing.

US reports on Chinese naval threat to Taiwan

“Friction between China and its neighbors appears increasingly likely as Beijing seeks to deter rival activities and assert its own claimed rights and interests.”

The Great Chinese Lie About Taiwan

…From J Michael Cole on China and the controversy *See more under Taiwan

Retired PLA General responds to J Michael Cole

…Photo of a Chinese General’s backlash against Cole (in his Chinese article) *See more under Taiwan

Territorial Claims in the South China Sea

…NY Times maps from 2012, informative

continue reading

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Faux Report

What Are Our Chinese New Year’s Resolutions?

Lose weight, stop smoking and call discipline authorities on unpopular manager — 22%

Misquote more ancient classics — 10%

Help fallen people in street instead of watching them die — 16%

Actually get around to starting that course of chemotherapy — 8%

Liberate Diaoyu Islands — 38%

Punch out dragon dancers making racket in courtyard — 5%

Uphold principles of Marxism–Leninism–Mao Zedong Thought — 1%

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Faux Report

Xi Jinping to Direct, Produce and Star in CCTV New Year’s Gala

BEIJING — In a surprise announcement Monday, General Secretary of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of China, President of the People’s Republic of China and Chairman of the Central Military Commission Xi Jinping declared that he would personally oversee production of this year’s CCTV New Year’s Gala.

Citing a “lack of commitment to core socialist values” in recent Galas, Xi, recently appointed head of the Central Leading Group for Internet Security and Informatization, told reporters that by taking the reins he would ensure that CCTV “corrected its wrongheaded course” and “prioritized harmonious entertainment reflective of the Chinese Dream.”

Xi plans to appear in every one of the four-hour spectacular’s crosstalk skits, musical acts and acrobatic performances.

Insider hinted that Xi—who is also Chairman of the National Security Commission, Chairman of Beijing Guoan F.C. and Executive Officer of the Mao Zedong Appreciation Society—would take a “hands-on role in the complete overhaul” of the most-watched entertainment show in the world.

Sources say the multi-talented Xi plans to appear in every one of the four-hour spectacular’s crosstalk skits, musical acts and acrobatic performances, as well as being the entire event’s sole host, breaking with the tradition of having four separate anchors.

Noted Chinese designer Bimbi Huang implied in a recent Weibo post that she had been approached to design several costumes for the gala, including Tibetan peasant garb, a line-dancing auntie sweater-and-yoga pants combo and a Barack Obama costume complete with black face mask.

She was also provided with measurements “matching those of the current CEO of Air China, lead singer of Metallica and Archbishop of Peking [all titles currently held by Xi Jinping].”

Xi has no known acting experience beyond pretending to be committed to the egalitarian principles of Marxism.

Representatives from Mr. Xi’s office denied that taking control of the CCTV Gala was part of Xi’s larger strategy of consolidating power, but said the President was unavailable for further comment as he was in Shanghai being invested as President of Fudan University.

Xi, who last month was declared School Board President for Life in Beijing’s Haidian District, has no known acting experience beyond pretending to be committed to the egalitarian principles of Marxism.

However, some believe his wife, former PLA singer Peng Liyuan, may be offering her husband some last-minute coaching that could see the 61-year-old Grand Master of the Beijing Masonic Lodge, Grand Wizard of the All-China Federation of Magic: The Gathering Planeswalkers and the face of Calvin Klein Asia, turn in a “career-making performance” on February 18.

While information about the Gala remains closely guarded, broadcasters have been notified to “allocate the first hour of the show to a reading of all of President Xi’s formal titles.”

Television critic Kelvin Wu said that although no one quite knows what to expect, critics are agreed on one point: “Whatever Xi ends up doing, it can’t be worse than Celine Dion.”

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Faux Report

19-Year-Old Chops Off Hand to Cure Internet Addiction

A 19-year-old from Jiangsu was taken to the hospital after chopping off his left hand in an attempt to cure his Internet addiction. Here are the feelings of the Chinese people.

“This only works if you’re not also addicted to masturbation.”
“Talk about an addiction getting out of hand.”
“You can still play League of Legends with one good stump.”
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Faux Report

How Will China Remove Western Values from Chinese Colleges?

Last week, Chinese Education Minister Yuan Guiren told colleges to “never let textbooks promoting Western values appear in our classes.”

Miniharm urges him to go further, banning Western influence from college entirely. Here’s how:

  • Limit independent thoughts to one per student per semester.
  • Ban books by non-Chinese writers such as Vladimir Lenin, Friedrich Engels and Karl Marx.
  • All foreign languages should be taught exclusively in Chinese.
  • Enforce popular “No Well-Connected Child Left Behind” policy.
  • Remove glass, plastics, chalkboards and electricity from all classrooms.
  • Shift prime meridian to place China in Western Hemisphere and Western Europe in Eastern Hemisphere.
  • No more girls allowed.
  • Replace physics, chemistry and biology courses with comprehensive Theory of the Five Elements seminar.
  • Make engaging in a cappella, improv or Ultimate on campus punishable by death.
  • Standardize and formally codify Chinglish.
  • Discontinue annual Bring Your Alternative Political System to School Day.
  • Fire, and lots of it.
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New Chinese Government VPN Allows Users to Access Censored Internet Anywhere

BEIJING — This morning, the Chinese government released for personal use ChinaVPN, its in-house Virtual Private Network service which, according to promotional material, “offers Chinese nationals a familiar, comfortable, authentically Chinese Internet experience—anywhere in the world.”

Minister of Culture Luo Shugang told assembled reporters that the new, free-to-download VPN would help prevent Chinese nationals living and working overseas from being inconvenienced when attempting to use uncensored Internet resources.

“The global Web is a tangle of sloppily managed and poorly edited resources still tolerated by foreign governments.”

“While China’s domestic Internet is expertly tailored to the specific needs of Chinese netizens, the global Web is a tangle of sloppily managed and poorly edited resources still tolerated by foreign governments. Thus, when our nationals go abroad they are often confused and overwhelmed,” said Luo.

“ChinaVPN will change this, allowing our citizens to continue to use the same sanitized, Party-approved, featherweight facsimile of the World Wide Web they have come to know and love.”

Programmers told reporters that when downloaded to any operating system, ChinaVPN would effectively allow users to surf the Internet as if they were on the Chinese mainland.

“Not only will this software replicate the same Internet management protocols on the Chinese mainland, it will also sporadically drop the user’s Internet connection, inexplicably fail to locate popular Chinese websites and relay real-time updates of all user activity directly to the Public Security Bureau,” said Luo. “It will also blanket users with pop-up ads for The Voice of China, just for good measure.”

Many overseas Chinese netizens have welcomed the move.

“This morning, I attempted to log on to an international academic archive to find peer-reviewed articles relating to my thesis, only to see an error message informing me that the server could not be contacted,” said Oxford University PhD candidate Wei Tingting. “It was just like being at home.”

“It will also blanket users with pop-up ads for The Voice of China, just for good measure.”

New York-based heart surgeon Liu Wangjun said the VPN had blocked access to his Gmail account so he forced all his colleagues to download WeChat.

“Yesterday, three patients almost died because my assistant got locked out of her account,” said Liu. “You only used to get that kind of service in Beijing. Amazing!”

Programmers also told reporters that the software comes with an opt-in service called KeepChinaPure, which allows users to block any website not under the direct control of the Chinese government, giving netizens a “glimpse into the Party’s future vision for China’s Internet.”

When activated, users attempting to log on to foreign-owned or non-approved websites are greeted by a GIF of President Xi Jinping advising them: “Next time, think carefully before you type.”

At press time, a Ministry of Culture press release stated that as of next year, all PCs, laptops and mobile devices sold in China would come bundled with a permanently-activated version of ChinaVPN.

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Faux Report

Chinese Woman Chops Husband’s Penis Off Twice

A Chinese woman has been arrested for chopping her husband’s penis off twice after discovering he was having an affair. Here are the feelings of the Chinese people.

“This story would be a lot funnier if his last name was Wang.”
“Incidents like these are exactly why we have double jeopardy laws.”
“The lesson is clear: never cheat on your wife unless you have three penises.”
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Macau Offers Citizens $10 in Chips to Celebrate Anniversary of Merger with Mainland

MACAU — As part of planned celebrations to mark 15 years since partnering with the Chinese, the board of directors of the Macau International Resort and Casino offered its resident employees, which the management refers to as “citizens,” US$10 worth of chips redeemable at any one of its 2,730 blackjack tables.

The administration described the gesture as a “big thank you” to the 624,000 employees of the Portuguese colony-themed casino for their “continued support.”

“We hope our valued employees will continue to patronize our five-star services,” said Chief Executive Fernando Chui. “With their help and support, we are confident that Macau will continue to be the world’s playground.”

Founded by Portuguese gambling addicts in the 16th century, Macau grew from a small dive bar to a gamer’s paradise.

Founded by Portuguese gambling addicts whose prison ship ran aground on its shores in the 16th century, Macau soon grew from a small, wooden-framed dive bar with a single backroom poker table to a sprawling, fully-landscaped gamer’s paradise designed to look like its own self-governed territory, complete with quaint flag, novelty souvenir passports, fanciful bilingual signage and a unique fusion cuisine centered on the all-you-can-eat lobster buffet.

Fifteen years ago, the resort conglomerate underwent a merger with the People’s Republic of China—a giant commercial enterprise with ties to suspected crime syndicate the Communist Party of China.

However, the resort has seen declining fortunes in recent years, and many of its formerly glittering fittings have begun to show their age, such as the tired-looking swagged velvet curtains at its borders, the moss-covered plastic liner around its harbor, and a creaky, unappealing social welfare system.

Leaked managerial memos from the office of the Chief Executive have revealed that the casino’s administration is looking to revitalize its fortunes by offering attractions beyond legalized gambling.

Plans include the appointment of Cher as Chief Executive, offering a free night’s stay for every five a resident spends in a deluxe suite, and changing Macau’s motto to “The Loosest Slots in Asia!”

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China Pulls All Copies of “The Interview” from Pirated DVD Stores

BEIJING — In response to multiple threats aimed at pirated DVD stores across the country, China has decided to pull all bootlegged copies of The Interview until further notice.

In a rambling manifesto, the cyberterrorists vowed to turn DVD stores into “palaces of death” and warned that “no one would be safe, not even in the VCD corner.”

Yesterday, store owners around Beijing were seen destroying leaked screeners of the action comedy, along with copies of Team America, just for good measure. Similar scenes have been reported in cities all over the country.

This morning, Ministry of Foreign Affairs spokesman Zhu Yuchen called a press conference to address concerns that the attacks were perpetrated by China’s supposed ally, North Korea.

“I can confirm that all pirated copies of this decadent film have been destroyed,” said Zhu. “So if North Korea is behind the attacks—and I’m not saying they are—they can rest assured that no one in China will ever see a single frame of this movie.”

Zhu told reporters that if the attacks continued, China was willing to destroy copies of other Seth Rogen and James Franco vehicles, such as This Is the End and Pineapple Express, as well.

“We mean our North Korean brothers no offense,” Zhu said. “But if we wanted to see Kim Jong-un dead, we’d kill him ourselves.”

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Man Exonerated 18 Years After Execution

An Inner Mongolian man wrongfully executed for rape and murder 18 years ago has been exonerated. Here are the feelings of the Chinese people.

“So long as it’s only happened this once.”
“What if he really is guilty? A wrongful exoneration would be even more embarrassing.”
“I bet the cops who tortured this guy to extract a confession are feeling pretty silly right about now.”
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China Creates Ministry Dedicated to Reminding the World That Japan Is Bad

NANJING — To commemorate the 77th anniversary of the Nanjing Massacre, China’s State Council has established an entirely new ministry dedicated to reminding the world that Japan is bad.

Aptly named the Ministry of Japan Is Bad, the organ is responsible for constantly reminding the world about Japanese atrocities during World War II, releasing daily reports about whether Japan as apologized sufficiently for said atrocities, and tracking which Japanese politicians have visited or are planning to visit the Yasukuni Shrine.

“We must not forget the atrocities committed by the Japanese government any more than we should remember those committed by our own.”

“Too long has Japan suppressed the truth regarding its involvement in World War II,” said newly appointed Japan Is Bad Minister Wang Hongwen. “Since the Japanese will not, the task of vouchsafing the historical truth for future generations falls to us.”

Though the ministry was only established two days ago, it has hit the ground running.

According to a preliminary budget, the ministry intends to construct a Nanjing Massacre memorial in every country, encourage primary schools around the world to reenact the massacre on its anniversary, and ensure the availability of Japanese flags in China for burning, impromptu protests or other anti-Japanese activities.

In related news, the State Council established another ministry over the weekend dedicated to suppressing the knowledge of the Tiananmen Square protests.

When asked about the apparent hypocrisy, Wang said, “We must not forget the atrocities committed by the Japanese government any more than we should remember those committed by our own.”

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