Tag Archives: Business

Faux Report

Crotch-Stomper Doritos From China Taste ‘Just Like Balls’

balls

BEIJING, China – 

For years the internet has been confused by an image of a bag of Doritos from China featuring a man appearing to hold another man’s legs apart while he stomps on his crotch. The Doritos, which have been dubbed “Crotch-Stomper” chips, are considered a delicacy in China, unlike the traditional chips sold throughout the world as a standard item.

According to people who have been able to try the chips, they taste exactly the way you’d expect: like balls.

“Oh my God, they’re horrible,” said Mark Jones, who paid almost $100 for a bag online. “I had to try them though – that picture is crazy. But, frankly, they taste exactly the way my balls smell after a long day at the gym or something. Nasty.”

Doritos are manufactured by Frito Lay, who say that the flavor is supposed to be  savory, sweet, and tangy.

“The chips are certainly not supposed to taste like balls,” said Frito Lay spokesman Jeff Miller. “I tried them, I thought they tasted kind of like stale salt & vinegar chips. They’re not my favorite, but people love them, especially in China.”

“I ate a whole bag, I couldn’t get enough of them,” said Missy Loans. “I bought a bag online. Paid about $80 bucks for it, and they were gone in minutes. I don’t know if they really taste like balls – I mean, I’ve had plenty of balls in my mouth over the years, and I’ve never tasted balls like this. Maybe a bit like dick, but I mean, the dick is definitely not balls.”

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Faux Report

‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Becomes First Film To Make $100 Billion Dollars At Box Office

star wars

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Star Wars fever has hit the world hard, after the latest installment, The Force Awakens, has crossed the $100 billion dollar mark in worldwide grosses, blowing away the previous box office champ, Avatar, which grossed only about $2.5 billion.

“Honestly, I’m shocked that the movie did so well,” said the director, JJ Abrams. “No one seemed to care too much when I reinvigorated Star Trek, so I didn’t have super high hopes for Force. Plus, all we really did was remake the first film, so seriously, it’s crazy that people are plopping down money to see it 15 or 20 times.”

Based on worldwide grosses, the studio behind the film, Disney, says that they estimate that every single human being currently alive on the planet has seen the film at least once, and that several babies – who won’t even be born until the new year – may have already seen it as well.

“It’s really the only way the film could have done so much money,” said Disney CEO Mike Laird. “I mean, think about it like this. Titanic was the number one film at the box office for almost a dozen years, at just over 2 billion dollars. Then Avatar knocks that out with just under 3 billion. And now, here comes Force, which brings in a whopping $100 billion? I mean, that’s insane, right? There are 8 billion people in the world, and with average ticket prices at around $12, that means everyone, everywhere has seen the movie.”

Although those numbers add up, that’s likely not the case, according to box office analysts.

“More likely, it’s the same handful of nerds who’ve gone and see the movie 40 or 50 times in IMAX, which have ticket prices closer to the $20 range,” said Box Office Mojo writer Gil Morrison. “I can honestly say I haven’t seen it, and probably never will. I mean shit, who cares?”

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Faux Report

Man Who Grows Lion Mane Immediately Promoted At New York Law Firm

lion

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Until last month, John Gold was just a mailroom associate at one of the biggest law firms in Manhattan, but all that changed when Gold decided to grow out his facial hair and have his hair dyed and cut to resemble that of a lion.

“I was just trying something new, but when I walked into work that Monday morning, I was immediately pulled aside,” said Gold. “I got taken into a big, inner office, and was immediately offered a job as an attorney.”

Despite knowing absolutely nothing about law, Gold took the job, saying that he couldn’t possibly pass up the opportunity – or the money.

“The only caveat they gave me was that I could never, ever cut or change my hair or my style,” said Gold. “I guess they think I’m going to be intimidating in the courtroom. I only hope that’s the case. The only thing I know about court is that ‘the whole damn thing is out of order.’”

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Faux Report

Swastika Table Available on Wal-Mart Website Causes Outrage

table

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – 

A table built in the shape of a swastika has caused outrage after it was added to walmart.com earlier this week. Multiple customers have complained, but Walmart says that they have no intention of removing the product from their catalog.

“Although the product is not sold by Walmart directly, but by a third-party, we still have no plans to remove the ‘Nazi table,’ as it has come to be known,” said Walmart spokesman Joel Goldberg. “I’m a Jew, and I’m not offended, so there really is no reason to remove the table. Some people like it.”

“I don’t give a rat’s ass that some Walmart Jew in a suit isn’t offended, I definitely am,” said Holocaust survivor Marianne Lewis. “It’s disgusting that they would even have that on their website, and worse, that they’re selling it at such an outrageous price!”

The table sells on the website for $399.99, and as of this writing was still posted on the website. A petition on change.org was created earlier this week, and has over 200,000 signatures calling for the store to remove the item and no longer do business with the company that is selling it.

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Faux Report

Japanese Toy Company Releases ‘My First Meat Grinder’ In United States

meat grinder

TOKYO, Japan – 

The Hishomoto Toy Company, who are responsible for some of today’s biggest toys, may have hit a new low with their latest release – a meat grinder that has real, working parts and allows children to crush up play-dough, small toys, or their pets.

“We are very excited to release the ‘My First Meat Grinder’ toy for children who want to learn what it’s like to work in a meat packing plant,” said Hishomoto president Miko Hoshi. “Although many parents may find the toy strange, we love to create toys that get children learning while laughing and having fun.”

The toy, which has been on sale in Japan for just under a year, was released to toy store last month, and has been selling extremely well according to the company.

“We expected to move about 10,000 units before Christmas, but as it turns out, we’ve done nearly 200,000 units,” said Hoshi. “We can barely keep up with demand. Parents are extremely happy to buy their children this toy, which teaches a valuable skill that they can use later in life.”

Hoshi says that they have plans to also release ‘My First Chainsaw,’ ‘My First Garden Shears,’ and ‘My First Meth Lab’ as well.

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Faux Report

Converse Will Give Free Shoes For Life To Anyone Who Gets Their Logo Tattooed

converse

SACRAMENTO, California – 

Converse Sneaker Company, the cheap canvas shoes that epitomize lazy, relaxed days and are at the forefront of hipster trend, have announced an exciting deal for anyone who has some free skin and an extreme love of sneakers.

According to Maxwell Converse III, the president of Converse Sneaker Company, anyone who gets the famous Converse All-Star logo tattooed on their body will receive free shoes for life.

“We have always prided ourselves on making a great, comfortable shoe for extremely low cost, and charging an arm and a leg for them,” said Converse. “When my grandfather started this company, he wanted people to be able to look cool, laid back, and yet still have the ability to hit the basketball course at any time. We’ve held to that tradition to this day, and it is now, on the even of our 107th anniversary, that we announce free shoes for life to anyone who tattoos our classic logo on their body.”

Converse III says that anyone who has the logo tattooed can simply walk into a store that sells the All-Star line of Converse shoes, show them the tattoo, and they will be able to walk out with a pair of shoes.

“The caveat is that they must get a shoe in their size,” said Converse. “That way they cannot just get the tattoo and get free shoes for all their friends. This offer does not extend to the custom Converse All-Stars that can be purchased on our website.”

Although extremely uncommon, Converse is not the first company to offer free products or services to their customers in exchange for branded tattoos. Companies like McDonald’s, Target, Cracker Barrel, and Blockbuster Video all offer their customers free or reduced-price products if they show their branded tattoo.

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Faux Report

Sexy Woman Makes Fortune Bottling Her Sweat, Selling It To Lonely Men

sweat

JAMAICA PLAIN, Massachusetts – 

A former aerobics instructor, Jasmine Smith, says she has made over $1 million dollars after she started a business bottling her own sweat and selling it online.

“To be honest, I don’t know what the people who purchase it are using it for, and I don’t really ask,” said Smith, 24. “It all started after a private workout lesson I was giving a few years ago. The guy who paid for the lesson pulled me aside after, and asked if he could take my sweaty towels and clothes. I was super hesitant at first, but he paid me $400 for them, so I let it go.”

Smith says after that, the man visited several more times, and began paying higher figures.

“After that, I just sort of took to the internet to see if this was something I could do all the time. Turns out, there’s a big market for the sweat of sexy young women,” says Smith.

Reportedly starting her ‘business’ on the website Reddit, Smith says that she has about 300 “very dedicated” customers who buy her bottled sweat, old towels, workout clothes, and underwear.

“I will keep doing this as long as I can, as long as the men think I’m sexy enough to buy my sweat,” said Smith. “At this rate, I’ve already paid off my college loans, my car, and put down a large payment on a new house. The sweat has really been sweet.”

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Faux Report

McDonald’s To Add New ‘McLite Gym,’ A New Exercise Area, To Over 20,000 Locations

gym

ASHFORD, Connecticut – 

As many McDonald’s restaurants have closed down their old Playplace areas, leaving them vacant, the company’s new CEO, Geoff King, said that he has plans for helping customers burn off pesky, Big Mac induced weight.

“We plan to convert over 20,000 former Playplace indoor playground spaces into a new section we are calling McLite,” said King. “We want to offer full-service gyms in our locations, featuring Ronald McDonald as your coach. He will guide you in losing weight, all while still being able to enjoy delicious McDonald’s fries and shakes.”

The new McLite sections are already being remodeled in several locations in the midwest, where King says that “the fattest people” live.

“We don’t want to be the cause of obesity in this country, we want to help control it,” said King. “We have partnered with the company Planet Fitness to join into our McLite Gym sections, and we know they will help burn those calories.”

McLite Gyms will open beginning in March of 2016.

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Faux Report

Woman Claims She Makes Thousands Of Dollars Running Dog Breastfeeding Business

dog

DELUTH, Mississippi – 

A Mississippi woman says that she makes thousands of dollars each year running a business of breastfeeding dogs, reports the Mississippi Times. Maryanne Chambers started her business 10 years ago after discovering that her breast milk supply never seemed to run out.

“I breastfed my children until they were out of diapers, but then I noticed I still had tons of milk to give,” said Chambers, 34. “So, I decided to put it to good use.”

Many dog owners say that human breast milk is the most nutritious thing for their pets to drink, but it is often very hard to come by.

“Oh boy, my pug Lucyfur, she loves breast milk,” said a dog owner who wishes to remain anonymous. “I started paying Maryanne about 2 years ago. Sometimes, my Lucky, she goes over to Maryanne’s house and suckles straight from the source, but usually I just buy bottled milk.”

Chambers says that she usually charges around $40 a bottle for her breast milk, but that so many clients need multiple bottles, she regularly earns a near six-figure income.

“Last year I cleared $97,000 after taxes,” said Chambers. “If you’ve got tit milk a-brewing, then you better get those dogs over to your place. You won’t regret it.”

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Faux Report

Shocking: Patti LaBelle Sweet Potato Pies Reportedly Made With Blood of Unborn Fetuses

pies

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – 

The new rage at Wal-Mart in the last several weeks has been singer Patti LaBelle’s Sweet Potato Pies, reportedly made from a recipe from LaBelle’s own kitchen. In a shocking discovery, though, it seems that some of the “natural ingredients” that are listed on the package include the blood of unborn or discarded fetuses.

“Frankly, we are shocked to learn that Patti LaBelle Sweet Potato Pies contain the blood of the innocent as part of the natural ingredients,” said Wal-Mart food supervisor Joe Goldsmith. “When Miss LaBelle approached us to sell her pies in our stores, we were definitely eager, as they are delicious, but we would have never consented had we known, fully, what they contained.”

LaBelle, for her part, seems to be unconcerned with the development, and says she has “no idea” why folks are getting so upset.

“I’ve been making my pies the same way for nearly 40 years, and it has always included a little fetal blood when I bake it,” said LaBelle. “It helps to give it a little extra kick, and makes the pie come out a nice, golden brown, with just some hints of reds and oranges in there. It’s an additive, not a main ingredient.”

Regardless of the ingredients, people are still flocking to their local Wal-Mart stores to purchase the pies, although most are still finding them out of stock.

“I’ve only been able to get my hands on one pie in the last 2 months since they became a hot commodity, and I had to pay 3 times the normal amount to a guy who was carrying one out of the store,” said sweet potato fan Mark Jones. “I honestly don’t care that they contain fetal blood – have you tried these damn things? They’re addicting as hell!

The FDA says that the “trace amounts” of discarded fetal blood that is in the pies is not enough to trigger a recall, and that the pies are approved for continued sale.

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Symphony

Tempo: April 22, 2015

Walker could win via anti-amnesty. Rubio meant what he said on amnesty. Police are getting nannied. Hillary-bash book to be released, contains old information, topic: foreign donations. First: Norway shuts off FM radio, digital costs less. Study: too many vitamins cause cancer, nothing on placebo; solution: centralized vitamins for children. Future: Why You Need to Eliminate All of Your Company’s Managers  · · · →

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