CHICAGO, Illinois –

Kraft Food Holdings, the parent company behind Kool-Aid Brands, has announced that their long-stand mascot, The Kool-Aid Man, will be modified to be the Kool-Aid Person starting early next year.

Extended pressure from left-wing groups, including The People’s Inclusion Group and Folks Against Transphobia have forced Kraft to retire their longtime mascot in favor of a more “progressive” and “politically correct” character.

“The Kool-Aid Man has been a staple of our brand since the 1950s, and we thought he’d be here for the long haul,” said Kraft spokesman Ruby Sugar. “Of course, when he was created back then, the world was a different place, and we never thought we’d have to make a judgement call about the fictional gender of a fictional mascot.”

The company said that the typical giant pitcher filled with red liquid would continue to look functionally the same, but that the character would also now appear sometimes in a dress, or with more “feminine” features, or will appear with other liquid colors, such as pink or purple – but will keep the same ‘OH YEAH!’ catchphrase it has always used.

“We are still going to keep it a pitcher of course, and we are still going to have it busting through walls,” said Sugar. “Of course, whenever we show the brick walls busting, that version of Kool-Aid Person will still have the more ‘masculine’ features, as it wouldn’t be as believable for a more feminine pitcher to be shattering through solid walls. Women aren’t usually strong enough for that.”

The change is expected in late Q1 of next year. Food collectors are already scrambling to get their hands on current packages displaying the Kool-Aid Man before the switch.

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Kraft Food Holdings, the parent company behind Kool-Aid Brands, has announced that their long-stand mascot, The Kool-Aid Man, will be modified to be the Kool-Aid Person starting early next year.

Extended pressure from left-wing groups, including The People’s Inclusion Group and Folks Against Transphobia have forced Kraft to retire their longtime mascot in favor of a more “progressive” and “politically correct” character.

“The Kool-Aid Man has been a staple of our brand since the 1950s, and we thought he’d be here for the long haul,” said Kraft spokesman Ruby Sugar. “Of course, when he was created back then, the world was a different place, and we never thought we’d have to make a judgement call about the fictional gender of a fictional mascot.”

The company said that the typical giant pitcher filled with red liquid would continue to look functionally the same, but that the character would also now appear sometimes in a dress, or with more “feminine” features, or will appear with other liquid colors, such as pink or purple – but will keep the same ‘OH YEAH!’ catchphrase it has always used.

“We are still going to keep it a pitcher of course, and we are still going to have it busting through walls,” said Sugar. “Of course, whenever we show the brick walls busting, that version of Kool-Aid Person will still have the more ‘masculine’ features, as it wouldn’t be as believable for a more feminine pitcher to be shattering through solid walls. Women aren’t usually strong enough for that.”

The change is expected in late Q1 of next year. Food collectors are already scrambling to get their hands on current packages displaying the Kool-Aid Man before the switch.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In what most are calling a “backroom deal,” President Trump has struck an arrangement with Amazon, Netflix, Disney, Wayfair, and other major companies in the United States, where they will not have to pay any taxes at all, regardless of income.

The purpose of the deal, according to insiders, is to ensure the “continuation and expansion of commerce and entertainment in the United States.”

“If Netflix makes $100 million dollars in profit, just as an example, should they be forced to pay 85% of that in taxes?” said President Trump in a completely unprepared statement. “Of course not, they need money to continue growing their company, and growing their output of amazing shows. That’s what is important when ti comes to the growth of this country. That’s how we’re going to continue to Make America Great Again.”

PALO ALTO, California – 

Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg has announced that he will be stepping down from the company, after allegations that he orchestrated his team to steal private information from site users, and resold it for millions.

“While I can neither confirm nor deny that I was a part of the stolen user data, it happened on my watch as CEO, and that’s not right,” said Zuckerberg. “Effective immediately, I am stepping down as the CEO of Facebook.”

When asked what his next plans were, Zuck was initially shy about answering, but was eventually persuaded to admit that he had his ambitions set on running the country in place of Facebook.

“Realistically, I was already running the country anyway,” said Zuckerberg. “Do you know anyone who isn’t on Facebook? Exactly. When you run the biggest website in the world that billions log onto every day, you’re basically running things, if you understand what I mean.”

Zuckerberg has not officially announced his candidacy, but sources close to him say he is “absolutely” planning a run in 2020.