Tag Archives: burn

Faux Report

South Carolina Man Burns Himself Alive After Trump Victory In Primaries

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COLUMBIA, South Carolina –

Mark Jacobs, 27, was found dead in the front yard of his home yesterday, after police say he burned himself alive over Donald Trump’s win in the primaries.

According to a post left on Jacobs’ Facebook page Saturday afternoon, he was “extremely distraught” over the fact that Trump was leading in the elections, and that he “didn’t want to live on this planet anymore.”

“If I have to live in a world where Donald Trump is not only winning elections, but also has an extremely good shot of becoming our next president, I don’t even want to be alive,” said the Facebook post. “It’s absurd and insane that anyone with a rational, thinking brain would vote for him, and it’s time I sacrifice myself to show the world how horrible of a decision voting in Trump would be.”

According to police, Jacobs covered himself in Bernie Sanders bumper stickers and flyers, dumped a gallon of gasoline over himself, and lit a match.

“The fire was super intense,” said Mary Lambert, a neighbor. “I started smelling something burning, and then I saw the flames through my living room window. I ran outside, and I saw poor Mark all ablaze. It’s sad that he had to die to show the world how horrible Trump really is. I guess, though, that no one is ‘feeling the Bern’ like Mark.”

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Faux Report

Idiot Arrested After Burning Toddler In Stupid, Tragic Accident

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ONTARIO, Canada –

Troy Allen, 27, was arrested for criminal negligence after throwing motor oil in a fire, which exploded and severely burned a nearby toddler. Allen says he had changed the oil in his truck earlier that week and needed to get rid of it.

“I thought – what better way to get rid of it? I didn’t know my nephew was behind me. He’d been put to bed as far as I knew,” said Allen. “I don’t know why everyone is giving me shit over this. He’s not my kid. Besides, I got plenty burned too, and he’s a lot younger than me. His body will heal and his skin will bounce right back.”

Responding officer Bill Parker said, “People do stupid things like that all the time around here. Unfortunately this time there were tragic consequences, as little Evan Williams was burned severely.”

The 2-year-old boy, Evan Williams, received third degree burns over most of his chest and face, and remains in critical condition at a local hospital. The mother of the toddler will also be charged with negligence as she told police “she was a little drunk” and did not know her boy was out of bed.

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