Tag Archives: blinded

Faux Report

Hair Stylists Stabs Man In Head With Scissors After He Refuses To Tip

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MIAMI, Florida – 

A Florida man is in critical condition after a hair stylist stabbed in him the head with a pair of scissors late yesterday afternoon.

According to police, Marvin Jones was getting his haircut at a StyleCuts location in Miami, and when he was done, he was paying via a credit card.

“Eye witnesses say that the assailant, Missy Richards, asked Jones if he would like to leave a gratuity on the card, but Jones declined,” said police chief Marvin Simmons. “At that point, Ms. Richards picked up a pair of scissors from her station, and stabbed Mr. Jones in the head or face area with them.”

“I’ve been cutting hair for years, and it still pisses me off when someone doesn’t tip,” said Richards, 29. “I mean, if you’re a grown-ass man, and you come in to my shop, or any shop that provides a service, really, and you can’t even be bothered to tip? Well fuck you, I’ve got a tip for you, then. The tip of my scissors in your damn face!”

Police have arrested Richards, and she is being charged with assault with a deadly weapon, as well as attempted murder. Doctors are unsure at this time if Jones will survive, but they say he will probably lose sight in the eye closest to where he was stabbed.

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Faux Report

Teen Blinded After Taking Advice From Gag Meme On Facebook

blind

BRIDGTON, Maine –

Tanya Herson, 17, has reportedly blinded herself after putting jalapeño slices directly over her eyes in a misguided beauty technique. A meme she had seen on Facebook said it would get rid of puffy eyes. Although it started to burn almost immediately, she assumed that was a sign that it was working.

Her mother, Deanna, says she “heard Tanya screaming bloody murder,” but at first did not know what had happened.

“Tanya couldn’t tell me what happened. Her eyes were red and swollen. I thought it was an allergic reaction to some kind of makeup, so I had her flush out her eyes in the shower and called 911,” said Deanna.

By the time paramedics arrived, Tanya had completely lost sight in both eyes. Later she told her mother she had seen it in a meme.

“There needs to be someone monitoring the internet,” says Tasha’s mother. “We can’t continue to allow our fake news to hurt our impressionable children.” Deanna says she is looking into suing Mark Zuckerberg for her daughter’s medical bills, as well as pain and suffering. “He owns the website, and the website let someone post this horrible information. If he’s not to blame, I don’t know who is.”

 

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