Faux Report

Irate Americans Demand That Country Also Leave The EU

USEU

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Britain’s stunning vote to leave the European Union is both historic and world-changing, but what does it really mean for Americans living on the other side of the Atlantic? Potentially, everything — the economy, national security, even the race for president will be affected.

Some Americans are now demanding that the United States follow suit and leave the EU.

Long distance trucker and self-proclaimed patriot, George Holt, says that Americans need to be independent from the rest of the world. “I been driving back and forth cross America for nearly 20 years, and I’m telling you things have changed. We need to be our own nation and stop all these damn Mexicans and Muslims from coming here to live off my tax dollars. If we leave the EU, our borders will be secure and our land will be ours again.”

Disability recipient, Janet Hagelund says America should leave the EU immediately. “Did you know the United States is required to pay a tax to them? And they want to control everything. More people should educate themselves about what really is going on…Plus they’re a bunch of socialists.”

When Hagelund was asked if she meant the UN, not the European Union, she admitted she had been mistaken. “Yeah, them guys,” said Hagelund.

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Faux Report

Trump Buys Land On Mexican Border To Begin Constructing Wall

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NOGALEZ, Arizona – 

Presidential candidate Donald Trump has said that if he is elected president, he will force Mexico to build a wall between the countries to keep immigrants out, but apparently he is starting earlier than expected. According to land-purchase agreements, Trump has reportedly begun buying massive amounts of land throughout Texas and Arizona, with teams hired to begin building the wall – on his own dime.

“Mr. Trump hired my firm to begin building a wall out of hardened concrete, which he has specified will need to be at least 20 feet wide and at least 75 feet tall,” said Carl Groves, owner of Groves Construction and Concrete in Nogalez, Arizona. “He’s asked us not to disclose the amount he’s paying, but it is a fairly large figure, I will confirm that.”

So far, according to paperwork filed with the towns, Trump has purchased over 200,000 acres of bare farmland directly on the border of Mexico, and according to insiders in his campaign, he plans to purchase at least another million acres over the remainder of the year.

“Mr. Trump wants to get a jump start on this process, so that when he is elected, the wall is already being worked on to completion,” said Rebecca Heartwell, who works on the Trump campaign. “Although he was planning on making Mexico pay for it, he realized that having a significant portion worked on would help to entice both the US and Mexican governments to pick up the slack when he becomes Commander in Chief.”

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Faux Report

National Garbage Tax Coming In 2016

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Garbage is America’s biggest export, and soon taxpayers will be expected to foot the bill. New measures will include a garbage bag tax, as well as additional taxes on products that exceed a certain amount of packaging, which will be passed along to consumers who buy the products.

Economist Allon Ardon says this will damage the economy. “I’m very concerned about the economic impacts we will see as a result of this new tax. The American economy is based upon being able to throw things away with no second thoughts. People may actually start donating unwanted goods to charity or re-using trash. This could be disastrous.”

Hoarders will benefit from this bill, receiving a tax credit of up to $3,000, with documentation that they are collecting trash.

Ardon says, “They trash isn’t the problem. Exporting it is. We need to get create with managing our garbage.”

Hoarder Bill Willis says that he is now “extremely grateful” for all the junk he’s collected over the years.

“My tax guy says that next year I’ll get a big fat check thanks to all the shit I’ve had socked away all these years,” said Willis. “It’s really something else. I only wish my bitch ex-wife were still around to see me gloat. She told me that my stuff was worthless, we’ll screw you, Debbie!”

 

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Faux Report

STUDY: U.S. Now More Racist Against Blacks than China

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to a new study by the NAACP, China is no longer the most racist country when it comes to discrimination against black people. Due to the high-profile cases of Mike Brown and Eric Garner, which sparked protests across the country, that distinction now belongs to the United States.

“This is great news for the Chinese nation,” said Vice Foreign Minister Xu Jing at a press conference on Friday. “We are no longer the most overtly racist people in the world. Not through any effort of our own, but thanks to the rising tide of police brutality in America.”

“Rest assured black people, the main target of our political and legal violence will always be the Chinese themselves.”

Though China has been recognized as the country most racist against blacks for decades, the latest study shows that while individual Chinese might harbor regressive views, the political and legal systems at large are mostly colorblind.

“Although Chinese people will often feel a black person’s hair or assume they sell drugs, very few pose a physical threat,” said East China Normal University professor Liu Yuanping. “Certainly no black person has been murdered by the police for selling untaxed cigarettes.”

China hopes that its recent downgrade in racism will encourage more African-Americans to travel to and work in China.

“We welcome our dark-skinned friends from the U.S.,” said Xu. “Come see for yourself that somehow we are not as racist as people from your own country.”

Xu vowed that his ministry would work with the Ministry of Public Security and local law enforcement bureaus to ensure the safety of any black travelers.

“Though China still is a very racist place,” he said, “Rest assured black people, the main target of our political and legal violence will always be the Chinese themselves.”

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Faux Report

China, U.S. Agree to Focus on Environment Shortly Before It Collapses

BEIJING — In an unprecedented step toward curbing climate change, Presidents Xi Jinping and Barack Obama agreed last week to focus on the environment shortly before it collapses entirely.

As part of the agreement, the U.S. aims to cut greenhouse gas emissions by 26-28% of 2005 levels by the year 2025, when carbon in the atmosphere is expected to reach 450 parts per million, well past the point of no return for preventing a runaway greenhouse effect on Earth.

“Now is the time to promise to do something later,” President Obama told reporters. “If we don’t promise to do something later now, when we do promise to do something later later, it will definitely be too late.”

For its part, China has pledged to cap its growing carbon emissions by 2030, when rising sea levels due to melting polar ice is expected to fully submerge Kiribati and the Seychelles.

“We will not be able to save the Maldives or Tuvalu, but there might still be hope for Micronesia.”

“As the world’s largest emitter of greenhouse gas, we have a duty to the planet,” said President Xi, before leaving for a ribbon-cutting ceremony at a new coal-fired power plant.

“We might not be able to save the Maldives or Tuvalu,” he added. “But there is still hope for Micronesia.”

Though neither leader will be in power when the deadlines arrive, both Xi and Obama emphasized the need for an informal, non-binding agreement.

“Both Xi and I are committed to giving saving the planet the old college try,” Obama said. “But, who knows, it might not work out.”

Leaders of low-lying and island countries around the world praised the bilateral agreement, and hoped their citizens would survive long enough to see it make a difference.

“If we are not completely underwater in 15 years and survive the extreme weather and flooding wrought by climate change, we will have China and the U.S. to thank,” said Palau’s President Tommy Remengesau.

At press time, in response to Xi and Obama’s historic agreement, the governments of China and America were passing legislation to ensure their respective countries never reach the proposed goals.

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