Tag Archives: toys

Faux Report

You Won’t BELIEVE What These ‘Hatchimals’ Toys Are Saying To Kids!

hatchimals

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A mother in Boston who bought each of her 7 children the year’s hottest toy, a Hatchimal, says the creatures had been mostly speaking gibberish when first opened on Christmas morning, but over the last week, have started saying some “truly disturbing things.”

“These Hatchimals are basically just like those old Ferby toys, remember those?” said Carla Jones, 28. “I had one of those when I was a kid. They spoke in random gibberish. Well, these Hatchimals, they did too mostly. But then the other day, I noticed that my youngest son, Tyler, who is 4, started saying some horrible things. I asked him where he learned those words, and he pointed to his Hatchimal.”

Jones was asked if the words could be repeated for print, and she said “she didn’t think they should be said,” but wanted to make sure that other parents knew what these “dangerous toys” were teaching their children.

“If it was only something as simple as it saying ‘fuck’ or something, then I’d be okay with that. They hear that kind of talk on Sesame Street these days, for crying out loud,” said Jones. “No, it was much more sinister. I’m honestly having a hard time saying the words, but truly, everyone should know. These Hatchimals, they taught my son to say ‘Donald Trump will make a great president.’ OH MY GOD I can’t believe I said it. It’s so sick.”

Empire News reached out the company behind Hatchimals, but received no response.

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Faux Report

Woman Arrested For Encouraging Her Spoiled Children To Destroy Toy Section Of Store

womantoysarrested

BALTIMORE, Maryland – 

Lakesa George of Baltimore was arrested on Thursday morning after she reportedly allowed her spoiled children to completely destroy the toy section of a local Goodwill store. Associates at the location say that they tried to get Ms. George to tell her children to stop, but she laughed at them.

“We noticed that her kids were running wild through the toys, and they were yanking everything off the shelf and just throwing it on the floor,” said store manager Mark Jones. “We asked Ms. George if she would control her children or we’d have to ask her to leave. She could barely be bothered enough to lift her eyes from her cell phone enough when she told me to ‘fuck myself,’ and that her kids could do whatever they wanted.”

According to police, Ms. George says that she has donated hundreds of items to Goodwill over the years, and that her kids have every right to go in and play with and do whatever they’d like with the toys.

“Every year, I donate me about 3 or 4 good outfits to the ‘Will,” said Lakesha George. “And I don’t mean no good outfits, I mean good outfits. They worth at least the amount that my kids messed up. Damn, that store ain’t seeing no more of my shit after this.”

Ms. George was arrested on trespassing charges after she refused to leave the store. Police were called, and a court has set her bail at $900. The children were taken by the state.

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Mattel Announces ‘Big Booty Barbie’ For Little Fat Girls

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EL SEGUNDO, California – 

Barbie dolls sales have been declining for years, dropping 20% between 2012 and 2014 alone. After receiving years of criticism that Barbie is too thin, Mattel has finally cracked; Barbie’s new friends will come in different shapes, sizes, and races to better reflect actual human diversity.

Critics complain that none of the new line are fat and ugly like real American girls. CEO Christopher Sinclair’s assistant says,“We still want the dolls to be attractive. Well, that sounds mean. It’s more like Barbie just wants to be friends with fit, happy people like her.”

Barbie opponents say they are not impressed by the seven new skin tones or the new line of friends. “They’ve had a token black and a token Asian since the 80s. They’re basically still white bitches who only care about fashion and seducing Ken so he’ll buy them that dreamhouse. I buy my daughter Bratz dolls, because a woman has got to have an attitude and over-sized head in this world,” says Jenny Alexa.

Mattel has met the criticism head-on by announcing the release of a specific Barbie doll that they have dubbed “Big Bootie Barbie.” The new doll will have a much curvier waistline, larger breasts, and a gigantic ass.

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Mall Santa Arrested After Punching Little Boy Who Urinated On His Lap

Mall Santa Arrested For Possession of Child Pornography

BANGOR, Maine – 

Charles DeMar, 60, was arrested this week after he punched a 4-year-old child in the face who accidentally urinated on his lap. DeMar, who has been playing Santa Claus in a mall in Bangor, Maine for the last 4 years, reportedly “flipped out” according to witnesses, when a young child urinated on him while asking for presents.

“Oh man, it was the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen,” said mall shopper Joanne Lewis. “Santa grabbed the kid by the back of his coat and held him up. He was yelling and shouting and calling the kid a ‘dumb little motherfucker,’ and then he proceeded to punch the poor kid in the face 3 or 4 times. The mother was screaming her head off.”

Mall security rushed to the Santa area, where they tackled DeMar and rushed the child to a local medical center. DeMar was detained until Maine State Police were able to arrive.

“That little sonofabitch, he’s definitely going on the naughty list,” said DeMar during police questioning. “He pissed on me on purpose, I know he did. I told him that he could choose one or two toys to ask for, but that greedy little asshole had a 12-page list of things he wanted. He deserved the beating, and I’m glad to have been the one to have given it to him.”

DeMar is being held until his arraignment. The boy’s parents have stated they plan on filing a lawsuit against both DeMar and the Bangor Mall.

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