Faux Report

Trump Superfan Gets Portrait Tattoo Inside Her Anus

assholelips

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

A Donald Trump superfan has gone to great lengths to both show – and hide – her support for Making America Great Again. Mark Rogers, a tattoo artist in Las Vegas, Nevada, has confirmed that he did tattoo a portrait of the Republican nominee inside the anus of a 29-year-old woman.

“She doesn’t want her name out there, because her family doesn’t know she’s a Trump supporter, so she doesn’t want me to mention her, but I can confirm that I did give her the tattoo, yes,” said Rogers. “I was surprised that a supporter would want his tattoo in their asshole; that seems more like something that someone who hates him would get – at least placement wise, but she said she wanted to keep it a secret.”

Rogers says that in his 20 years of tattooing, it’s not the first time he’s tattooed someone’s anus, but it is the first time he’s done a portrait there.

“It was a long, slow process, but we got a really good likeness, I think,” said Rogers. “For my money, though, I wish I could have done a Clinton portrait instead.”

Standard
Faux Report

Converse Will Give Free Shoes For Life To Anyone Who Gets Their Logo Tattooed

converse

SACRAMENTO, California – 

Converse Sneaker Company, the cheap canvas shoes that epitomize lazy, relaxed days and are at the forefront of hipster trend, have announced an exciting deal for anyone who has some free skin and an extreme love of sneakers.

According to Maxwell Converse III, the president of Converse Sneaker Company, anyone who gets the famous Converse All-Star logo tattooed on their body will receive free shoes for life.

“We have always prided ourselves on making a great, comfortable shoe for extremely low cost, and charging an arm and a leg for them,” said Converse. “When my grandfather started this company, he wanted people to be able to look cool, laid back, and yet still have the ability to hit the basketball course at any time. We’ve held to that tradition to this day, and it is now, on the even of our 107th anniversary, that we announce free shoes for life to anyone who tattoos our classic logo on their body.”

Converse III says that anyone who has the logo tattooed can simply walk into a store that sells the All-Star line of Converse shoes, show them the tattoo, and they will be able to walk out with a pair of shoes.

“The caveat is that they must get a shoe in their size,” said Converse. “That way they cannot just get the tattoo and get free shoes for all their friends. This offer does not extend to the custom Converse All-Stars that can be purchased on our website.”

Although extremely uncommon, Converse is not the first company to offer free products or services to their customers in exchange for branded tattoos. Companies like McDonald’s, Target, Cracker Barrel, and Blockbuster Video all offer their customers free or reduced-price products if they show their branded tattoo.

Standard