Tag Archives: stupid

Faux Report

Study Finds Trump Voters Have Drastically Lower IQ Than Liberals

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After Donald Trump was elected President, a group of researchers at the Pentagon set into motion a study unlike any other – they wanted to find out the average IQ of a group that would elect such an unqualified person into office.

Working with over 10,000 confirmed Trump voters and 10,000 confirmed non-Trump voters, researchers gave standardized intelligence quotient tests to each group. There was no time limit to complete the test, and it was given twice over a week-long period.

“The results of the testing, while not at all surprising, prove that Trump voters are drastically behind liberals and non-Trump voters on an intellectual basis,” said Dr. Carl Brewner, who headed the study. “The test was 200 questions, and each completed test gave us an average IQ score based on answers. On average, a Trump voter would score in the 30th percentile, or have an average intelligence level of about 71, far below the 90 to 110 that is considered ‘normal.’ A non-Trump voter would score an average of approximately 96.”

The research team claims that their test is ‘fairly conclusive,’ and they feel that even if they tested every single one of the millions of Trump voters, they’d come up with similar results.

“It was quite obvious to everyone that anyone who would vote for Donald Trump must be pretty stupid,” said Brewner. “Just look at the stupid things they say and do in your timeline on Facebook every single day. Now, though, we don’t even have to rely on just physical evidence of their stupidity via comments and posts and memes – we have the actual scientific data to back up how dumb they really are.”

 

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Faux Report

‘Zen Diet’ Helps You To Lose Weight By Balancing Your Body’s Chi

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Zen cooking is reported to be a new diet fad that actually works.

The goal is to balance your chi using the five elements, earth, air, fire, water, and metal. Jon Sandifer lays out the somewhat complicated diet plan in his book, Zen and the Art of Cooking.

“It is unwise to use too many blues in the kitchen as that represents the element water,” says Sandifer’s book. “Green and browns have a better effect on the chi.” Other rules according to Zen include never eating under fluorescent lighting and cooking near right-angles, like those of most cabinetry.

“The yin and yang must be kept in balance, which means one does not eat too many yin ingredients like meat and grains, or excessive yang ingredients including mushrooms and greens,” said Sandifer. “It’s a really simple routine, and it works.”

Simon Richard, who claims to have lost 50 pounds with Zen cooking, explains the secret to Empire News. “Going through all the rules is so frustrating, often times I give up on the idea of eating and do something else entirely. It really and truly is a diet that works.”

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Faux Report

‘Cereal Face’ Is The Internet’s Latest Viral Trend

cereal

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

People have always, and will always, do the stupidest things just to get a little notoriety on the internet. A new challenge, dubbed “cereal face,” is the latest to join the trend of bizarre and dumb things people do to themselves and post it online.

“Cereal Face was something I started to bring awareness to premature ejaculation,” said Tommy Rogers, a University of Alabama student who was recently expelled, and is now living in Boston. “I cum extremely fast. It’s a pretty bad disorder, but I just can’t help it. I figured, what better way to bring attention to this medical issue than to glue cereal to my face, so that’s what I did.”

Rogers says that he wants to help raise money for doctors to discover ways that he can hold back his ejaculations for longer periods.

“Gluing cereal to my face was supposed to be some deep metaphor, but people have taken it to extremes, and I think the point is getting lost now,” said Rogers. “Sexy women are doing it just for fun. Sexy women don’t prematurely ejaculate, so they really don’t need to be doing this. It’s kind of embarrassing, really.”

The original Cereal Face video has been viewed more than 2.6 million times on YouTube, and Rogers has says he’s taken the $4.97 he’s made from Google Ad revenue and donated it to McDonald’s in exchange for a cheeseburger and a Coca-cola.

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