Tag Archives: students

Faux Report

Sallie Mae Forced To Forgive Student Debt To Over 100 Million Students

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Sallie Mae, the leading scam group of vile assholes to whom more than 250 million people owe their lives and money to, is being forced by the United States government to forgive the debt of nearly 100 million current and former students, thanks to new laws passed by President Obama.

According to the White House press release, Sallie Mae will be forced to wipe the slate clean for nearly 100 million students, as it was found that the company used lies and deceitful tactics in securing loan repayments from people.

“I was told that if I paid $50, that I could have an extra six months to start payments, because I was out of school, but hadn’t started work yet,” said Mark Downs, a former student at UCLA. “I paid the $50, and then a month later I get calls from collection agencies. Sallie Mae had turned me over to outside headhunters to get their money. When I told them that Sallie Mae had said I’d have six more months, the rep for the new company said, ‘yeah, they tell that to everyone.'”

Those kinds of practices lead president Obama to work with congress to secure laws that would not allow for-profit companies like Sallie Mae to deal directly with students, causing most debt to be wiped away.

“This company, and several others, have lied people to and falsified information, and they deserve to be punished,” said President Obama in the press release. “We have worked extremely hard to make it so that people who have been hurt financially and emotionally by this company do not have to pay money that, in other circumstances, they would have been able to pay.”

There is currently no word on when or how the program will be put into effect.

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Faux Report

Beer Drinkers More Likely To Die Young, Have Miserable Lives, Says Study

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at the prestigious Harvard School Of Study in Boston have recently released their findings about beer drinkers, something that the team says they have been working on for many years.

“College is a place of learning, but mostly, it’s a place to party, drink beers, and get laid,” said research head Joey Goldsmith. “We decided to study the effects of drinking beer on people’s lives, and follow the same study group over the course of 20 years.”

Goldsmith says that the study proved conclusively that beer drinkers die younger than non-beer drinkers, and that most of them go on to lead miserable, messy lives.

“We followed 50 party kids who spent most of their nights drinking, and 50 nerds, who spent their college careers working towards their goals,” said Goldsmith. “After 20 years with these people, 42 of our 50 beer drinkers were dead, and the other 8 were in rehab, prison, or homeless. Of the 50 studious people we followed, every single one had good jobs, good families, and 4 of them became millionaires in business.”

According to Goldsmith, the more beer someone drinks, the more likely they are to die young or become a “complete and total wreck.”

“I strongly suggest that if you’re going to college and you want to party, then stick to smoking weed,” said Goldsmith. “I mean, really, isn’t that the better option anyway?”

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Faux Report

Harper Lee Dies, Internet Assumed Author Passed Years Ago

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ATLANTA, Georgia –

Harper Lee, the prolific author who wrote the classic novel To Kill a Mockinbird, died on Friday at the age of 89, according to her publisher.

Sadly, the internet generation took little notice, with most assuming that the author was long dead.

“I had to read that boring mess when I was in junior high school,” said high school senior Jordan Matthews on his Twitter. I assumed that he was long dead.”

“I don’t know who this Mr. Lee is, but apparently he’s dead now, ” said another twitter user. “I think he wrote that book about birds or something.”

Confusingly, most of the posts on Twitter referred to Lee as a man, because teenagers apparently have no concept of literature in this day and age.

“I’m glad that Harper Lee died, because now we probably won’t have to read that stupid book in class,” said Facebook user Miranda Lucas. “Ugh, books are stupid.”

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