Tag Archives: stealing

Faux Report

Pope Francis Caught On Security Camera Stealing Food Placed Out For Homeless

pope

VATICAN CITY – 

Pope Francis was caught stealing food that had been placed behind the Vatican for homeless last night, causing many to decry him as “evil.”

According to Vatican Police, the footage was retrieved from a security camera system on March 18th, and showed the Pontiff stealing a plate of food that had been donated by local restaurants and left for the city’s homeless. The Pope, when questioned about this act, seemed very shaken.

“I was not stealing it. I have much food available to me. I was merely, um…I wanted them to have a good, hot meal,” said Pope Francis. “I was going to heat it in the holy microwave to make sure that any homeless that ate it would be happy.”

Police are not buying the explanation, but are forced by law, to ignore it completely.

“Unfortunately, there isn’t much we can do here,” said Vatican Police Captain Leonardo DiSuza. “His Holiness is definitely lying, but he is the end-all, be-all here in the city. It’s not like he is going to jail or anything. He won’t even get a slap on the wrist.”

Public opinion of the Pope has so far not been damaged, as most people don’t care at all about the homeless, especially homeless in Rome.

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Faux Report

Pope Francis Caught On Security Camera Stealing Food Placed Out For Homeless

pope

VATICAN CITY – 

Pope Francis was caught stealing food that had been placed behind the Vatican for homeless last night, causing many to decry him as “evil.”

According to Vatican Police, the footage was retrieved from a security camera system on March 18th, and showed the Pontiff stealing a plate of food that had been donated by local restaurants and left for the city’s homeless. The Pope, when questioned about this act, seemed very shaken.

“I was not stealing it. I have much food available to me. I was merely, um…I wanted them to have a good, hot meal,” said Pope Francis. “I was going to heat it in the holy microwave to make sure that any homeless that ate it would be happy.”

Police are not buying the explanation, but are forced by law, to ignore it completely.

“Unfortunately, there isn’t much we can do here,” said Vatican Police Captain Leonardo DiSuza. “His Holiness is definitely lying, but he is the end-all, be-all here in the city. It’s not like he is going to jail or anything. He won’t even get a slap on the wrist.”

Public opinion of the Pope has so far not been damaged, as most people don’t care at all about the homeless, especially homeless in Rome.

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Faux Report

House Cat Wanted By Police After Robbing Massachusetts Liquor Store

cat

LYNN, Massachusetts –

A white and black house cat and his owners are wanted in connection with a robbery of Loomos Bros. Liquor on Boston Street in Lynn. The cat was strapped with what appeared to be explosives, a GoPro camera, and a fanny pack.

The cat was also equipped with a microphone. “The cat wandered in, and at first I thought it was cute,” said store owner Joe Lewis. ” Then I heard a voice saying the pussy was armed, and to put the money from the register in the fanny pack.”

In the 911 recording, the operator at first informs the owner of the penalties for abusing 911, but reluctantly dispatches police. Investigators say the owner’s story has been backed up by store surveillance videos.

Edward Rogers, lead investigator, says, “We expect the perpetrators are local. Someone had to know someone was training a cat in this neighborhood, and there will be a leak. I have no doubts.”

Police say the cat is a black and white tabby, with spots on his back. He was last seen wearing a green fanny pack. People in the area of Boston Street who have seen the cat are encouraged to contact police.

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