Faux Report

Klan Says ‘Guns Don’t Kill People, Black People Kill People’

klan

FORTH WORTH, Texas – 

Christoper Miller, the leader of the Fort Worth Ku Klux Klan chapter, has ignited a wave of anger amongst the public after saying that “guns were not the problem, black people with guns [are],” referring to the Dallas, Texas shooting that killed five white police officers.

The head of the racist group cautioned to a crowd of people outside of a Fort Worth courthouse that “history will repeat itself again and again, as long as black people are allowed to own guns.” Miller was surrounded and protected by a large percentage of the Forth Worth police department.

“There is no gun problem in America,” he told the small group of supporters and bystanders. “Guns don’t kill people, black people kill people. The problem is whose hands you put the guns in. Guns are harmless by themselves, but black people are a menace to society, it’s a fact. Give them a gun, and that nigger will be twice as more likely to kill someone.”

The rally was dispersed shortly after by anxious police who feared a riot from nearby anti-KKK protestors.

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Faux Report

Police Forces Dwindle Across The Country As Violence Against Cops Continues

police

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

“I signed up to be a police officer the second I turned 18-years-old, and I thought I’d have this career forever, but there’s no way in hell I’m going to get shot over some bullshit,” said former policeman Joel Waives, 27. “I loved what I was doing, and it’s always been a dangerous job, but as a white guy with a badge, I’m not taking any chances that some hood will shoot me.”

Police Unions across the country have said that they are losing officers in record numbers, after several shootings across the country have led over 20 cops dead, all at the hands of violent criminals looking for “revenge” for shootings by police of civilians.

“The job is hard, and it’s definitely stressful. I’ve never had to pull out my gun before in over 30 years on the job, but this week alone I’ve had to pull it 16 times,” said police chief Mark Wallace. “It’s getting to the point where I don’t know if I’m going to make it home at night. It used to be that only big cities had shootings like this, but I’m in Des Moines. Why the hell should I have to worry about being shot by someone because they were driving over the speed limit?”

To counter the record number of people leaving the force, police unions have been looking to hire new recruits, with many offering new, better benefits.

“If you’re a racist who wants to carry a big gun and talk a big game, then by all means, please sign up,” said Wallace. “We need more people who aren’t afraid to pop a cap in a black man just because he’s wearing a hoodie. We can overcome this violence with more violence. There’s no other way.”

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