Faux Report

Rapist Sues Woman He Assaulted After Learning She Gave Him HIV

lawsuit

SAN DIEGO, California –

John Ryan, 32, is suing Felicia Jones, 26, after contracting HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, in a sexual encounter. Ryan says that although he was raping Jones at the time, she should have informed him that she had the virus, and because she didn’t, he is entitled to “everything she has.”

“Just because I grabbed her off the running path in the park, took her into the woods, and raped her, doesn’t mean that she has the right to hide her disease from me,” said Ryan, who has been arrested for sexual assault in the past, although the charges were later dropped. “Because she didn’t say anything, I now have HIV, and my life is essentially ruined.”

The law in most states, including California, says that if you are a carrier of HIV or AIDs, you must inform all sexual partners beforehand, or face possible arrest and prosecution for manslaughter.

“Ms. Jones was fully able to explain to me that she had the disease, as I did not cover her mouth like I’ve done to other women in the past,” said Ryan. “I may have decked her in the mouth a few times, but a little blood is not stopping her from saying ‘hold on a minute, I have HIV.'”

Jones says that she was terrified in the situation, and that her condition was not at the forefront of her mind.

“That bastard was raping me, and telling him that I was sick probably wouldn’t have stopped him anyway,” said Jones. “I was scared, and I thought he might kill me. That’s what I was thinking about. My lawyer has advised me not to say that I think he deserves what he got, but let me just say that I’m certainly not sorry.”

Jones contracted the virus two years ago during a blood transfusion after a bad car accident.

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Faux Report

Police Arrest Bill Cosby Before Public Forgets To Hate Him

billyrape

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania – 

Bill Cosby was finally arrested, just days before the public forgot why they were supposed to hate him, for aggravated sexual assault. According to reports, Cosby admitted to drugging a woman almost a decade ago, using quaaludes.

“We went and grabbed him earlier today,” said police officer Joe Goldsmith. “He went pretty easily. We were prepared for anything really. I mean, he’s a celebrity, so normally we’d treat him with kid gloves, but at the same time, he’s also black, and an accused rapist, so really, we had to take it seriously.”

Cosby’s lawyers will probably argue that he is innocent, despite the fact that Cosby has, in the past, readily admitted in court that he was guilty of drugging and assaulting at least one woman.

No statement directly from Cosby, but spectators at the police station did say that he looked very haggard and old, but managed, somehow, to keep his penis in his pants.

“I was pretty scared he might drop something into my drink, even though I wasn’t drinking anything and was standing over 50 yards away,” said Merle Jones, who was at the Philadelphia police station when Cosby was brought in. “You can never be too careful with these rapist celebrities.”

 

 

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