Tag Archives: price

Faux Report

USPS Says Stamp Cost To Be Raised To $2.00 Each Starting In August

stamps

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The US Postal Service says that they can “no longer survive” on the low cost of stamps, and after several increases in their cost of shipping packages, they are finally going to be increasing the cost of their individual stamps. Currently, a first-class stamp for a letter or a card would cost you less than two quarters. Starting in August, though, you’re going to need to get change from a $5.

“On August 3rd, we will officially be raising the price of stamps to $2 per each, with sheets of 25 stamps selling for $50,” said post master Tom Thomas. “We understand that this is an incredible increase in one jump, but the cost of shipping has not gotten cheaper, and we have not had an increase in several years.”

The current cost of a stamp is only .49 cents, but the USPS says that they can’t survive charging so little.

“We’ve tried to last, and only increase the cost of specialty packages, but it’s not working,” said Thomas. “We have to change with the times, and although this was a difficult decision, we feel it is the right one.”

Thomas suggests that people go out now and buy the post office’s “Forever Stamps,” which are still only .49 a piece, and will be good forever, regardless of future price increases.

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Faux Report

Woman Arrested For Assaulting McDonald’s Manager Over Dollar Menu Price Increases

mcdonalds

DENVER, Colorado – 

McDonalds has been forced to raise prices on its popular dollar menu items, citing the rising price of mystery meat, the increase in wages forced on them by lazy employees, and decline of customers looking for the instant diarrhea experience.

Lucia Haywood, 38, stormed into the McDonalds on Main St. in Denver, Colorado, demanding to speak to the manager after she was informed that her favorite food item, the popular McDouble, was no longer a dollar. Haywood was arrested after she smacked manger Joe Donaldson in the face with her purse.

Haywood says she deserved the normal price, since there were no indications of the change on the menu board outside, and the items were still listed under “dollar menu.”

“It aint a dollar menu if it’s more than a dollar. That is false advertising!” claimed Haywood to police. “If all I gots left from my welfare at the end of the month is a buck, then I want to spend that buck on a Dollar Menu burger! That manager should have adjusted the price. I ain’t got no extra forty damn cents!”

Police agreed with Haywood that Dollar Menu items should be only one dollar, and she was subsequently released.

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