AUGUSTA, Maine – 

Maine has been at the forefront of a widespread battle against heroin addiction, with much of New England having some of the highest numbers of users in the country. Where doctors have failed, heroin has flourished, giving many people suffering from severe pain a way to reduce their issues at a fraction of the cost.

“The state of Maine is extremely happy to announce that we are the first to allow our citizens to freely use heroin,” said Maine Governor Paul LePage. “We have tried battling the addiction. We have tried regulating doctors to only allow certain medicines to be prescribed, so as not to cause more people to become addicted to painkillers. Alas, we’ve failed. Instead, we’re taking a different route.”

LePage says that he hopes that legalization of heroin will help to allow more people to get their pain and issues under control.

“If you can’t beat them, then it’s time to join them. Or in this case, it’s time to let them be free to make those choices,” said LePage. “Doctors are the number one reason that people get hooked on heroin. They prescribe heavy opiate painkillers to people, and when those prescriptions run out, those patients look to the streets. You can get some heroin for $10 on the streets, and your backache will be gone. Why not try it, right?”

LePage says that further regulating the drug would be a “horrible idea,” and that legalization will be pushed through as soon as possible.