Tag Archives: Movie

Faux Report

Whoopi Goldberg Says She Had ‘Torrid, Sexual Affair’ With Dinosaur During Filming of 1995 Movie

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Whoopi Goldberg, perhaps best known for her work on TVs The View, or from films like Boys on the Side and The Color Purple, made a horrific film in 1995 called Theodore Rex, about a cop who is partnered with a dinosaur. Despite being legally obligated to perform in the film, Goldberg has had nothing good to say about it, at least until now.

In a segment on The View, one of the other members of the panel brought up the film, and for the first time, Whoopi opened up about her time on set.

“We were in mega lawsuits about this movie, and in the end, I was forced to take the job, and I was miserable,” said Goldberg. “It wasn’t until I met Teddy that things really took a turn for the amazing. It was the most in love I’ve ever been, and I’ve never forgotten it.”

To be clear, Whoopi went on to say that it was not the actor in the Theodore Rex rubber suit she fell in love with, but the actual character – the suit itself.

“We went out on a lot of dates, and it was sexy, it was fun,” said Goldberg. “It didn’t matter who was in the suit. I got a lot of different guys to be in the suit over our few months together. But I tell you, nothing compares to going to bed with a tyrannosaurus rex. He may have tiny arms, but damn does he make up for it by having a large…tail.”

 

 

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Gritty, R-Rated ‘Carmen Sandiego’ Movie Begins Production In October

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego was a popular children’s game and TV show, which taught geography and history to kids in the early 90s. Several other offshoots of the Carmen Sandiego character have appeared over time, and it was announced today in Variety magazine that a new, gritty version of the character is coming to the big screen.

“All the kids loved Carmen, but those kids have grown up, many with children of their own now,” said Lionsgate CEO Mark Miller. “We thought about the property, and decided that a gritty, dark, violent version of the character would really appeal to those adults who grew up with her on TV and on the computer. This was a major deal for us, and a huge property to acquire.”

Miller says that the character is being revamped and rebooted to be more of a sultry, violent, superhero like spy.

“She’s a former stripper-turned-private eye, so she knows how to use her body as well as her fists, to get to the ‘bad guys,'” said Miller. “The script is being written by Quentin Tarantino, who is a big fan of the original TV show, as well as the cartoon series from the 90s.”

Tarantino is known for his violent characters in most films, including extremely badass female characters such as The Bride in his Kill Bill films.

“We know he will do a terrific job on the story,” said Miller. “If things pan out, we may even have him direct.”

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Marvel Announces R-Rated ‘Howard The Duck’ Film Coming in 2017

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HOLLYWOOD, California – 

The original Howard the Duck film, starring Lea Thompson and Ed Gale, is widely divided between moviegoers as being either an “awesome cult classic,” or one of the worst films of all time, but either way, Marvel has announced that they plan to bring back their anthropomorphic duck in an all-new movie, set for release in the summer of 2017.

“We teased Howard a little at the end of Guardians, but we really wanted to bring him back for his own movie, and this time, make it not a giant piece of shit,” said Marvel CEO Mark Wymms. “He will not be CGI as he was in Guardians. That was just a tease, or a little taste. Actually, we’ve already begun shooting the movie, and we think fans will be super happy to know that we’re going hard R-rating.”

Deadpool, the latest Marvel movie to hit theatres, was R-rated, and grossed over $700 million worldwide, making it the third-highest grossing R-rated film of all time. Marvel hopes to strike again with Duck, which is based on their comic series about a duck named Howard who is brought to Earth during a science experiment gone awry.

The new film will feature Warwick Davis (Willow) as Howard, and is set to be directed by Lars Von Trier.

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‘Howard The Duck’ Movie Coming In 2017; Will Be R-Rated, ‘Won’t Suck This Time’ Says Marvel

howard

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Howard The Duck is a cult movie unlike most others, in the fact that almost everyone loathes it. The film, released in 1986, holds an ungodly low score of only 14% on RottenTomatoes, and most people consider it one of the worst movies of all time.

Despite that, though, Marvel has decided to green-light a remake of the film, which will introduce the anthropomorphic duck to a new audience, with hopes that the new film won’t “suck” as much as the original.

“Personally, I love the original, and I think it’s tons of fun. It’s not as good as the source material, but few things are,” said Bob Thomas, a movie reviewer for website TheFilmTalk. “Ed Gale, who played Howard, was tons of fun, and the movie is a laugh-riot. I don’t care what anyone says, the original does not suck.”

“The original is a giant pile of shit, but that won’t be the case with the remake,” said Marvel CEO Joel Miller. “We teased a bit after the credits of Guardians, but that was just a test, really. The character won’t be CGI, and there are some other changes. We’ll definitely have the crude, dirty parts of the comic, too. We are shooting for an R-rating, definitely.”

The movie has been in production since late 2015, but Marvel is just announcing the release this week. They say the script was written by Deadpool scribe Paul Wernick, and is being directed by Kevin Smith. Warwick Davis (Leprechaun, Willow) will be playing the title character.

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Ryan Reynolds Says He Won’t Return For Deadpool Sequel

Ryan Reynolds Hit By Car While Filming 'Deadpool,' Destroys Car With Bare Hands

LOS ANGELES, California –

Ryan Reynolds was born to play Deadpool, in the way the Robert Downey Jr. perfectly encompasses the role of Tony Stark in Iron Man. With the new Deadpool movie bringing in a record-breaking quarter of a billion dollars in its worldwide opening weekend, Fox was keen on quickly green-lighting a sequel, but sadly, there is one person who won’t be returning.

Ryan Reynolds says that he will not be singing on for a second Deadpool film, after realizing that the part was going to put way too much pressure on his everyday life.

“I’ve been an actor for years, and I’ve always had a good time with it,” said Reynolds. “Problem is, not that I’ve played a character in a movie people have actually seen, I haven’t had a moment to rest, and it’s frustrating.”

Reynolds had been personally trying to get a Deadpool film made for years, and it took over a decade for Fox to agree to not only make the film, but make it geared towards adults, letting it receive the MPAA’s R-rating. Reynolds says that he’s glad the movie is doing so well, but he can’t be part of another one.

“Someone else can easily take over, because most of the film I’m in a suit, and when I’m not, my face is covered in burn makeup,” said Reynolds. “I really want to go back to just being an actor that people sort of recognize, but pass by on the street without having to stop and take a selfie with.”

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Tom Hanks Gains 200 Pounds To Play Your Mom In New Movie

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LOS ANGELES, California –

Tom Hanks recently signed a deal with Universal to play Your Mom in a major motion picture. The actor, who is known for his extremely method abilities, including growing a full beard and losing over 75 pounds for his role in Cast Away, will reportedly put on over 200 pounds to play Your Mom in the movie.

“The thing is, I could never really be as ugly as Your Mom, but I could definitely get that fat,” said the actor. “This is undoubtedly going to be a tough role to play, but I am sure that once I get the weight on, I will look more like Your Mom, and I will start to feel more like Your Mom, too.”

Universal head Joe Goldsmith says that this is not the first time a movie about Your Mom has been in production, but until recently, they couldn’t find anyone interested in playing the part.

“Your Mom is kind of a drag, really. She’s lived a hard life and everything, but Your Mom is a real bitch, and we needed someone with real acting abilities to play that role,” said Goldsmith. “Your Mom is also a dirty slut, and that takes some careful writing in order to make Your Mom a character that everyone can relate to.”

Aaron Sorkin is writing the screenplay. JJ Abrams is currently in talks to direct.

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Daniel Radcliffe Admits To Making ‘Swiss Army Man’ Because He Lost a Bet

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Once respected actor Daniel Radcliffe, best known as Harry Potter in the series of films, has admitted he only played a flatulating corpse in the recently-released film Swiss Army Man because he lost a bet.

“I’d had a couple pints. Dan Kwan was talking about the duct tape challenge. I bet him I could get out of it before I pissed myself. Turns out I was wrong.” Still, Radcliffe says was not embarrassed by the film and had a great time working on it.

The movie appears to be up for the award of most walk outs at Sundance Film Festival, something that amuses Radcliffe. “I think it is just hilarious people were walking out during the Sundance festival premier. They just didn’t get it. I make a good fucking dead guy, so they can bugger off.”

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Marvel’s New ‘Deadpool’ Movie Given PG-13 Rating

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Although trailers and comments from the cast and crew would lead many to believe that the new Marvel film Deadpool, which is set to hit theatres in February, would be getting an R-rating, it seems that the MPAA had other plans.

After watching the film, the group – who are responsible for the film ratings of every movie released – gave the movie a mild PG-13 rating.

“We are really, really shocked that we got a PG-13,” said the film’s star, Ryan Reynolds. “We were going for a hard R-rating. There is blood, guts, nudity, sexual content, and about a thousand uses of the word ‘fuck.’ It’s mind boggling.”

According the the MPAA, they didn’t find that the film fit with their R-rated policy, which as anyone who has ever seen a movie can tell you, is not exactly set-in-stone.

“Normally, you can’t really get by with more than maybe one F-bomb in a film without getting the R-rating,” said MPAA spokesman Gerry Lyons. “In this case, though, we felt the film really didn’t encompass anything that would get it the harder, more ‘adult’ rating. Plus, it’s a comic book movie, so how harsh could it really be, right?”

 

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Man Stabbed, Killed With Toy Lightsaber At Showing Of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Tom Chris, 32, was reportedly killed after he was in an altercation with another patron at a Regal Cinema location in Los Angeles, police say. Onlookers who gave an account of the event say that Chris, who was dressed as Han Solo while waiting in line to see a matinee of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, was attacked by an unknown assailant in a Kylo Ren costume. The person was able to escape before police arrived.

“Oh man, it was intense,” said Mario Lemming, who waiting in line for a different movie and witnessed the event. “I mean, there they are, two grown-ass men, dressed in costumes like a couple of total fucking nerds, and then the Kylo Ren dude pulls out a lightsaber toy, you know, one of those ones for kids that light up but retract when you stab into something? Yeah, well, his didn’t retract, and it literally went right through that guy. Needless to say, that was the highlight of my day. Sisters, the piece of shit that my wife dragged me to, was horrible.”

Police say that they are combing security footage from the theatre and nearby businesses, but so far, they have no leads as to who was dressed in the Kylo Ren costume.

Tom Chris leaves behind no wife or kids, because clearly, a man dressed as Han Solo at a matinee showing of Star Wars on a Wednesday afternoon does not have a family.

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Man Dies Of Hypothermia Waiting In Line For New ‘Star Wars’ Film

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A Boston man has died after reportedly suffering from hypothermia while waiting in line for the new Star Wars movie, which opens this weekend in theaters.

The man, Chuck Conway, 29, had been sleeping outside of the AMC Theater in downtown Boston since Sunday evening, trying to be the first in line.

“We saw him line up outside the doors on Sunday afternoon. He came prepared with a sleeping bag, a tent, and some books to read,” said AMC theater manager Joe Goldsmith. “We couldn’t believe he’d get here that early. It was insane.”

Friends say that Conway was a Star Wars super fan, and that he’d spent most of the year saving up to be able to afford to take time off from his job at McDonald’s and wait in line.

“Chuck was a hell of a guy, but not very bright, really,” said friend and co-worker Mitch Jacobs. “I mean, the tickets went on sale months ago, and he already had a ticket. Hell, AMC even makes you pick your seat ahead of time, so there was literally no reason for him to go stand in line. It’s a real shame he died over something so menial and stupid. But hey, more hours for me at work, right?”

Disney, the company releasing Star Wars: The Force Awakens said in a public comment that it was “tragic” that a fan had died,  but offered no sympathy. AMC Theaters said they would offer a memorial service for Chuck at one of their locations, and that any who wanted to attend could get in for the matinee discount rate.

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U.S. Filmmakers Arrested After Releasing ‘Extremely Obscene’ Horror Movie

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NEW ENGLAND, United States – 

A group of independent filmmakers were arrested yesterday after a horror film they made was released online. The movie, The Carnage Collection, is reportedly a horror anthology, but several of the stories featured included graphic violence and disturbing content, enough that one viewer reported the film to authorities.

“Much like the Charlie Sheen fiasco in the 1980s, when he reported the notorious Guinea Pig films as being real to the FBI, my clients are accused of making snuff-related cinema, which is completely bogus,” said a lawyer for the filmmakers. “Although the movie may contain scenes of an extremely violent nature, and contain content not normally fit for viewing, this arrest is a severe form of censorship.”

According to people who have seen the film, the movie contains extreme violence, but the death of a young girl via a stabbing to her vagina is one of the scenes that has people talking, and is reportedly the scene that caused the complaint. The segment in the film, titled Stuffed, apparently deals with a girl named Andrea who befriends a talking, stuffed sloth, who convinces her to rape and murder her friend.

“It’s one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen,” said the anonymous woman who reported the film. “I illegally downloaded the film because the cover had a picture of Santa on it, so I thought it would be okay for my kids. The fact that it is called The Carnage Collection is irrelevant to me. Sure, the movie has a Santa in it, but he’s evil, and tells another character to ‘suck my mother-f’ing jingle balls.’ Needless to say, I let me kids watch the whole thing right up until the girl gets knifed in the vagina. Then I turned it off and called the police.”

“We’re just making a movie, and it’s definitely not the worst thing I’ve ever seen,” said Derek Ferreira, one of the film’s co-directors and stars. “I mean, haven’t you guys ever heard of American Guinea Pig? A Serbian Film? Cannibal Holocaust? Those are some heavy films right there, with directors who went to jail for their art. But even still, this is just art. These are just movies. We’re being censored by The Man.”

The filmmakers are reportedly being held on $20,000 bail. Although the film has been cleared of any actual death or animal abuse, the crew is still behind bars based on almost 100-year-old law that forbids the production of “obscene material.” They say they still plan to sell and release the film in the coming weeks.

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Patrick Swayze Turns In His Grave After First Reviews of ‘Point Break’ Remake Hit The Web

swayze

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Patrick Swayze made a name for himself in the 80s and 90s, starring in feature films like Road House and Ghost, but one of his most iconic rolls was in the heist/action film Point Break, co-starring Keanu Reeves, that was released in 1991. The actor has since passed on, but as reviews of the Point Break remake have begun hitting the web, reports have indicated that Swayze is, indeed, rolling in his grave.

“I saw the trailer for the new Point Break, and I have to say, it looks pretty damn awful,” said film reviewer Charles Junior. “I watched it and said, ‘Oh man, Patrick probably rolling over in his grave right now,’ and as it turns out, he really is.”

Swayze’s headstone has reportedly fallen over multiple times, and groundskeepers at the cemetery say that they know it’s because he’s in there, going out of his mind.

“I keep picking it back up, but then it falls back over,” said one cemetery worker. “Problem is that damn Point Break remake. Making that poor man turn over and over in his grave. It’s sad. They should just pull it from release before it causes Mr. Swayze to get no eternal rest.”

Keanu Reeves, Swayze’s co-star in the original film, is still alive, but yet had no comment on the half-assed remake. Point Break is scheduled to hit theatres on Christmas day for some reason.

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Religious Groups Praise ‘Krampus’ Movie, Say It ‘Puts Jesus Back Into People’s Lives’

krampus

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Several religious groups, mostly sponsored by the Catholic church, have said that they are “extremely happy” with the new film Krampus, which opened this past week in theatres around the country. Based around an old legend about an evil entity that kidnaps bad children at Christmastime, Krampus is a movie that religious groups say “puts Jesus back into people’s lives.”

“Oh yes, once you see Krampus, you will come running back to Jesus,” said Mary Joseph of the Church of Sacred Hearts in Huntsville, Alabama. “I took my entire family to see it, all the children. They screamed, cried, and were scared to death. The great thing is, afterwards, they all wanted to go to church with me. They all ran back to Jesus.”

Film executives say that they are “very happy” that Christian and Catholic groups, who normally spit on their horror-centric films, are pleased with the latest feature.

“To be honest, we were just making a scary movie, but if Catholics want to run out and see it, more power to them. It’s more money in our pockets,” said one executive. “Frankly, any time they’re not shunning our movie, the better. If this works for them, I’ll just greenlight a whole slew of Krampus films. What do I care?”

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