VATICAN CITY – 

Pope Francis made a surprise announcement during his weekly Sunday Mass in Vatican City, stunning the world when he said that the church has decided that their priests would be allowed to wed, something that has never been allowed in the history of the Catholic Church.

“In an effort to stop our wonderful men of the cloth from molesting any more children, we have decided to allow them to marry and fornicate with women,” said Francis. “This will hopefully put an end, once and for all, to the bad behavior of some of our flock.”

Despite the announcement taking place earlier this morning, there has been no word on whether any priests have elected to look for a wife, or if they’re content with their current arrangement of molesting children for years, having the church pay hush money, and being moved to a new location after all the news is buried.