Tag Archives: maryland

Faux Report

Death Row Inmate Requests Human Cadaver As Final Meal Before Execution

feet

BALTIMORE, Maryland – 

A death row inmate, 39-year-old Bryan Bryant, who was found guilty of murdering 18 people in the early 2000s, reportedly requested to have a “human cadaver” as his last meal. Maryland law dictates that an inmate can ask for anything they would like to eat, and it will be served. The law does not get specific enough to say that the item must be a “normal” food item, or create provisions that would not allow certain things to be requested.

“Mr. Bryant requested to eat an entire human as his final meal before execution, and the Maryland Board of Prisons was able to prepare his request for him,” said warden Joel Higgins. “It was an odd request, for sure, and we had several protestors who said it was not a ‘good use’ for a body that was donated to science, but in the end, Mr. Bryant’s rights and wishes were not impeded.”

According to Higgins, they procured a recently deceased 47-year-old female, who died of a heroin overdose. Her name was not released to protect her family from embarrassment. Bryant was executed on Friday via lethal injection.

Standard
Faux Report

Woman Arrested For Encouraging Her Spoiled Children To Destroy Toy Section Of Store

womantoysarrested

BALTIMORE, Maryland – 

Lakesa George of Baltimore was arrested on Thursday morning after she reportedly allowed her spoiled children to completely destroy the toy section of a local Goodwill store. Associates at the location say that they tried to get Ms. George to tell her children to stop, but she laughed at them.

“We noticed that her kids were running wild through the toys, and they were yanking everything off the shelf and just throwing it on the floor,” said store manager Mark Jones. “We asked Ms. George if she would control her children or we’d have to ask her to leave. She could barely be bothered enough to lift her eyes from her cell phone enough when she told me to ‘fuck myself,’ and that her kids could do whatever they wanted.”

According to police, Ms. George says that she has donated hundreds of items to Goodwill over the years, and that her kids have every right to go in and play with and do whatever they’d like with the toys.

“Every year, I donate me about 3 or 4 good outfits to the ‘Will,” said Lakesha George. “And I don’t mean no good outfits, I mean good outfits. They worth at least the amount that my kids messed up. Damn, that store ain’t seeing no more of my shit after this.”

Ms. George was arrested on trespassing charges after she refused to leave the store. Police were called, and a court has set her bail at $900. The children were taken by the state.

Standard
Faux Report

Police Officer Commended, Promoted For Killing Most Civilians In Calendar Year

cops

BALTIMORE, Maryland – 

Charles “Chuck” Jenner has been a Baltimore police officer for just over 5 years, but he says that 2015 has been the “best year of his life” after he was commended and promoted to lieutenant for shooting and killing the most unarmed civilians.

“You see, being a police officer is an extremely tiring and stressful job,” said Jenner in his speech at the police association’s annual Christmas party. “This year, I am so grateful to be honored for my efforts in ridding the streets of Baltimore of as many pieces of human trash possible. It is with great pleasure that I accept my award and promotion for the slaying of over 220 Baltimore dirtbags.”

Cheers erupting from the audience of officers and retired police force members could be heard from around the block, with many residents extremely upset by the police association’s actions.

“It would be one thing if he’d only shot and killed black people, but he also killed a couple white teens, too,” said Baltimore resident Jim Johnson. “I know they were gang bangers and whatever, but come on – they were white. He should have showed a little more tact in those cases. That said, though, ridding the streets of over 200 people? He deserves that commendation.”

“I for one am outraged that these police are out here, killing with no prejudice whatsoever,” said gang member Crypt Keeper Jay. “Yo, I mean, I gotta watch out for these pigs all the time, because they could just come up and shoot me, and that’s some bullshit. Even the white kids aren’t safe out here. It’s enough to make a motherfucker wanna go back to his job at McDonald’s.”

The next officer in line for a promotion, deputy Mark Rumford, killed only 130 people in the line of duty.

“Better luck next year, I guess,” said Rumford.

Standard