Tag Archives: Latest Headlines

Faux Report

Yao Ming Shot by Poachers

NAIROBI — Former basketball star Yao Ming has been shot and killed by ivory poachers in Kenya, sources confirmed yesterday.

The longtime anti-poaching activist was reportedly feeding on vegetation near one of his preferred watering holes in Aberdares National Park when he was ambushed by hunters, who shot him three times with a high-powered rifle.

The poachers then sawed off Yao’s large, alabaster tusks and left the carcass in the bush, where it was discovered by park rangers the following morning.

“I recognized that hulking silhouette immediately, even in the dawn light,” said ranger Julie Girrach. “I secretly hoped it would be another member of the herd and not the former Houston Rockets player, but as soon as I saw that square jaw, I knew.”

An inspection of Yao’s carcass revealed scars suggesting that the former Laureus Breakthrough of the Year Award winner had been shot several times by poachers in the past, but the low-caliber weapons used had prevented the bullets from penetrating his thick hide.

World-class basketball players are critically endangered in China.

The prized tusks of the popular WildAid ambassador, valued at several hundred thousand dollars apiece, were sawed off at the root, and are likely destined for the international black market.

A spokesperson for the Kenyan government announced that Yao wanted to buried along with other members of his adoptive herd in the “elephant graveyard” maintained in Aberdare, although the Chinese government has requested that his skeleton be repatriated to facilitate further study of his species.

World-class basketball players are critically endangered in China, and the domestic breeding program has lost countless specimens to the NBA draft.

For Yao’s former wardens, however, nothing can lessen the grief of losing one of their most popular companions.

“Yao will most likely end up on some Chinese CEO’s mantelpiece,” said Girrach. “Few people understand there’s more beauty to be found in watching a magnificent beast like Yao for five minutes in the wild than a lifetime of staring at some ivory Buddha gathering dust on a shelf.”

This is not the time a WildAid spokesperson has fallen victim to illegal poaching. In 2012, kung fu star Jet Li was caught in a net and finned by unlicensed shark fishermen while swimming off his yacht in the South China Sea.

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Faux Report

Kenny G Disperses Hong Kong Protesters by Playing “Going Home” on Continuous Loop


HONG KONG — The turbulent Hong Kong democracy protests came to an end yesterday when jazz saxophonist Kenny G dispersed the crowds by playing his hit song “Going Home” on a continuous loop.

As the smooth, sultry tones wafted through the crowd, protesters packed up their belongings, as if on cue, and headed for the nearest exit.

“Oh, I guess it’s over,” said one protester as he furled his umbrella. “That or a supermarket is closing.”

“I guess it’s over. That or a supermarket is closing.”

Alex Chow, leader of the Hong Kong Federation of Students, tried to stop the scattering crowd, calling the impromptu performance “an obvious ploy by the central government.”

But even the most hardened dissidents proved no match for the soothing, downtempo beat.

“It’s no use. People hear Kenny G and they leave,” Chow told reporters. “He’s like the reverse Pied Piper.”

Though makeshift earplugs were quickly disseminated to the crowd, the damage done to the protest movement was clear. By the sixth time Kenny G launched into the silky strains of “Going Home,” nearly 90 percent of the protesters had left.

Pleased with the saxophonist’s success, high-ranking party officials convened in Beijing this morning to discuss whether to keep Kenny G on retainer for use in the over 180,000 mass incidents that occur every year.

At press time, Kenny G was still in Hong Kong, serenading the few remaining protesters who, according to sources, were close to killing themselves.

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Faux Report

Li Keqiang Seen Loading Entire National Budget into ATM

BEIJING — According to multiple eyewitnesses, Chinese Premier Li Keqiang is currently loading China’s entire national budget for Q3 and Q4, 2014 into a Bank of China ATM near Tiananmen Square.

The bespectacled politician was seen loading over 7 trillion yuan in new 100 yuan bills directly into the machine, printing a receipt for every 10,000 deposited.

This unprecedented task is just the latest reform by President Xi Jinping to fight endemic corruption.

In an internal directive issued last month, Xi required all officials to collect tax revenues “in cash and in person” before traveling to Beijing and laying the monies at his feet in the Great Hall of the People.

As per the directive, the president then counts each bill by hand to make sure all revenues are accounted for, before handing the sum to Li. The premier then deposits all the money into a single account at the nearest Bank of China ATM before parceling out funds directly to local and provincial governments.

By reducing the number of actors who handle the budget, corruption could be reduced anywhere from 70 to 90 percent.

By reducing the number of actors who handle the national budget, Xi claimed corruption stemming from the central government could be reduced anywhere from 70 to 90 percent.

According to Xi, using a single account to redistribute wealth also allowed the government to “avoid costly and inconvenient fees and charges.”

A local woman surnamed Wang said she was shocked to see such a high-ranking politician doing such a menial task himself.

“I got to the ATM on my lunch break hoping to pay my company’s entire payroll only to find some asshole got there first,” Wang said.

Today marked the first time Li has executed his new role as sole dispenser of national revenue. According to sources in line behind him, Li apparently plans to perform his task entirely via an ATM near the gift shop of the National Museum.

Those close to the premier have expressed concerns for his mental health, as Li is also responsible for making the 1.2 million separate electronic transfers to ensure the exact funds reach their intended destinations.

Li is expected to complete the task sometime in November.

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iPhone 6 to Retail in China for One Kidney

BEIJING — Apple CEO Tim Cook announced last week that, in addition to RMB, Chinese customers could purchase the iPhone 6 and 6 Plus with working kidneys.

“We’ve seen huge demand from the Chinese market to exchange human organs for our products,” Cook said in a press conference. “Now every Chinese citizen, ages eight and up, can afford at least one iPhone.”

Suggested retail prices range from one kidney for the 16GB iPhone 6 to a kidney and a lung for the iPhone 6 Plus 128GB model.

“The organs do not have to be yours,” Cook added, “so long as they function.”

“Now every Chinese citizen, ages eight and up, can afford at least one iPhone.”

Though public health officials have roundly criticized the idea, China Mobile alone has received nearly 800,000 kidney down payments since stores began taking preorders on Friday.

Online retailers are also accepting preorders via mail, reminding customers to pack their tissues tightly in ice before mailing them.

One Beijing college student, Luo Yihan, plans to remove his kidney this week in preparation for the October 17 release date.

“I’m just one of those guys who has to be the first to remove a non-vital organ to get the latest gadget,” he said.

Hospitals in major cities are gearing up for the flood of operations, preparing beds to accommodate techies who’d rather not pay the 6,000 yuan price tag.

But even with the new terms, some still can’t afford the new device. One cab driver lamented that he couldn’t buy the new smartphone because he had already spent one kidney on a 5S.

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