Tag Archives: Latest Headlines

Faux Report

Anti-Fascist Parade Indistinguishable from Fascist Parade

BEIJING — To commemorate the 70th anniversary of China’s triumph over the Imperial Japanese Army in 1945, China’s communist leaders have orchestrated a massive shutdown of Beijing on a scale not seen since the same city was occupied by the Imperial Japanese Army in August 1937.

Banners have been suspended from bridges across the city, urging citizens to “Celebrate liberation from martial law by warmly submitting to martial law,” while others proclaim, “Join with the party and military to celebrate their appropriation of Japanese militaristic oppression.”

“It’s just like 1937. Except back then we owned our own land.”

Yesterday’s massive military parade saw 120,000 heavily-armed soldiers goose-stepping through the city center in honor of the veterans who fought off the Japanese threat so that Beijing would never again be brought to a standstill by the arbitrary military posturing of a repressive regime.

“Today is about reminding the Chinese people what it means to live under a military dictatorship,” President Xi Jinping said in his speech yesterday. “What better way to remind everyone than subjecting them to the privations of life under a military dictatorship?”

“China has shown the world what absolute control over its people look like,” Russian president Vladimir Putin told reporters after the parade. “Despite running the Chinese economy into the ground and asking a nation to turn a blind eye to the explosions in Tianjin, they’ve still brought the capital to a standstill with nary a peep of protest.”

“It’s the kind of thing someone like me can only dream of,” he added.

A number of dictators and absolute monarchs were present to observe the parade, which was designed to celebrate the liberation of downtrodden peoples lawlessly ruled by out-of-touch military fanatics. A cheerful Putin shared the rostrum with top Chinese officials, along with representatives of the Saudi royal family, a handful of Somali pirates and foreign relations officials from ISIS.

“Sometimes I forget whether we won or lost the war.”

Some of Beijing’s older residents who were alive during the war were hit with a wave of nostalgia as they watched the parade they were not allowed to attend from home.

“It takes me back,” remarked 87-year-old Li Qun, who witnessed the city’s occupation by Japanese troops. “Bombers darkening the skies, being kept prisoner in my own homes and an illegitimate, authoritarian state with no public accountability crowing about its imaginary achievements—it’s just like 1937.”

“Except back then we owned our own land and my father was able to run a small business without the say-so of a government bureaucrat,” she continued.

“Sometimes I forget whether we won or lost the war,” she added, before being bundled into the back of an unmarked van by a group of masked men.

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Faux Report

I’ll Tell You Why China Hasn’t Produced a Steve Jobs

Robin LiBy Robin Li

Robin Li is the chairman and CEO of Baidu.

As a successful tech entrepreneur, people are constantly asking me why China hasn’t produced a Steve Jobs.

Many have offered their theories on this vital question. Some blame China’s emphasis on rote learning; others, the culture of imitation and lack of intellectual property protection. Some even point the finger at the Communist Party for stifling freedom of thought and expression.

While I love a good theory, none of these captures exactly why China hasn’t produced a Steve Jobs. But I’ve figured out the answer. And here I am, going on record, to share this with the world so we can finally put this question to rest.

Steve Jobs was born in 1955 to a Syrian father and a Swiss-American mother who met while both were enrolled at the University of Wisconsin at Madison. A complicated family situation with his biological parents led him to be adopted at birth by the Jobs family, and was raised in a highly academic environment in California.

In 1972, Jobs enrolled at Reed College in Portland, Oregon, but dropped out after six months though he continued to sit in on creative classes. Involvement with the developer of hit game Pong led him to a job with Atari, via a soul-searching soujourn to India.

In 1976, he co-founded the Apple Computer Company, was removed from power in 1985, but returned in 1996 to oversee a complete overhaul of its creative philosophy. Many credit Jobs with the invention of the iPod, the iPad, the iPhone and, by extension, the tablet device. At the time of his death in 2011 after a long battle with pancreatic cancer, he was among the world’s most influential people.

So why, you may ask, hasn’t China produced a Steve Jobs?

Today’s China is a dynamic business environment, with huge investments in education and the tech sector—both key factors in Jobs’ success. Young Chinese are exposed to a broader cultural environment than any previous generation, and are developing opinions, vision and principles independently of the rigid school system, much like Jobs in his youth.

Many Chinese billionaires, myself included, come from humble backgrounds and built their companies through a unique comprehension of the marketplace combined with a shrewd approach to business.

So far, so Steve Jobs, you might think.

But there’s one key element that, while perhaps trivial to the untrained eye, means everything when explaining why China has not produced a Steve Jobs.

It is this: the chances of the precise DNA combination that resulted in Steve Jobs’ conception are minuscule.

While there is a 100% probability that Jobs himself was born, the chances of creating a genetically, culturally and intellectually identical human being with all the characteristics of the original, down to the Issey Miyake turtleneck sweater, are so close to zero they are statistically meaningless.

When applied to China, a political construct on the other side of the world from California, the odds become even more remote.

According to a Baidu search, of the ethnically Syrian men known to be living in China, none of them has a Swiss-American spouse. Even if we expand our search to include couples who might potentially move to China in the future, there are only three known Syrian-and-Swiss-American couples worldwide. Only two of these involve a Syrian man and a Swiss-American woman, and none of these individuals share the same genetic material as Jobs’ biological parents.

You see where this is going, right?

As CEO of Baidu, my fidelity is always to the data first and the hypotheses second. Before we even get into the probability of the biological child of some theoretical mixed-race couple being adopted by another couple surnamed Jobs, we can see the numbers just don’t add up.

Combine this with the fact that there are no Chinese couples with the surname Jobs, or even a close Chinese equivalent, we can deduce that, even if we selected a Chinese child with the same genetic material as the man himself, put him through an identical childhood in California and then through the same college experience, at the end of the day, even if he went on to found the next tech revolution, he would still not be Steve Jobs.

And here, my friends, is the final, insurmountable stumbling block. Until a Chinese national formally changes their name to Steve Jobs, and has said change recognized by the state, China will never produce a Steve Jobs. Ma Yun? Sure. Li Yanhong? Sure. But Steven Paul Jobs? Not likely.

How intriguing that everyone in China, male and female, has the power to become a Steve Jobs and yet, at the same time, none of us has taken the step to actually become a Steve Jobs. And perhaps nobody ever will.

My critics will say that this was a reductive answer to a reductive question. But this brand of logical yet out-of-the-box thinking is how I got to where I am today.

Even so, I am left to face the irrefutable fact that, even if more Chinese thought the way I do, we’d still be no closer to an actual Steve Jobs.

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Faux Report

China Removes Female Form from TV Drama

BEIJING — Just days after censors removed all cleavage from the Tang-era drama The Empress of China, another Chinese TV show has come under the close scrutiny of the censors.

Set in contemporary China, Women Going About Their Business follows four young women as they try to navigate the complexities of work and family in fast-paced Beijing.

However, the much-anticipated series ran afoul of the State Administration of Press, Publication, Radio, Film and Television (SAPPRFT), which pulled the show just days before its premiere.

“To promote a harmonious domestic media, all depictions of the female form must be removed.”

In an official statement, SAPPRFT said the show’s release was delayed because the “female body parts depicted on the show—including but not limited to legs, hips and sometimes eyes—could send male viewers into throes of wild, uncontrollable passion which inevitably lead to public licentiousness.”

“To promote a harmonious domestic media, all depictions of the female form must be removed,” the organization said.

SAPPRFT said that it would allow the show back on the air if the series were edited so that “all female characters were removed” or if all the women were “replaced by black silhouettes which cover the female form entirely.”

At the moment, it is unclear if the same restrictions will apply to all shows, as many of them contain females or depictions of the female anatomy.

At press time, the producers of Women Going About Their Business have agreed to make the necessary cuts and retool the story to make it about men instead.

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Faux Report

Miniharm’s Top 10 Moments of 2014

It’s been a whirlwind year in China. Here’s a look back at 10 moments that made us smile.

10. China allows Xinjiang to secede after deciding it’s just not worth it.

Photo © Reuters

9. Americans befriend Chinese man after discovering he has lots of money.

Alibaba IPO

8. Families relieved MH370 crash not caused by bickering Chinese passengers.

Photo © AFP

7. Taylor Swift releases bestselling concept album about the Tiananmen protests.

1989

6. APEC blue selected as Pantone’s 2015 Color of the Year.

APEC

5. China grants Uyghur scholar lifetime tenure at local prison.

Ilham Tohti

4. Thousands of Hong Kong residents throw away chance of ever entering the mainland.

Hong Kong

3. Zhou Yongkang becomes highest-level official purged since Communist Party mascot Sickles the Revolutionary.

Zhou Yongkang

2. Vladimir Putin offers Xi Jinping $1 million for one night with Peng Liyuan.

Vladimir Putin and Peng Liyuan

1. China’s made-up number becomes larger than every other country’s made-up number.

GDP

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Faux Report

Macau Offers Citizens $10 in Chips to Celebrate Anniversary of Merger with Mainland

MACAU — As part of planned celebrations to mark 15 years since partnering with the Chinese, the board of directors of the Macau International Resort and Casino offered its resident employees, which the management refers to as “citizens,” US$10 worth of chips redeemable at any one of its 2,730 blackjack tables.

The administration described the gesture as a “big thank you” to the 624,000 employees of the Portuguese colony-themed casino for their “continued support.”

“We hope our valued employees will continue to patronize our five-star services,” said Chief Executive Fernando Chui. “With their help and support, we are confident that Macau will continue to be the world’s playground.”

Founded by Portuguese gambling addicts in the 16th century, Macau grew from a small dive bar to a gamer’s paradise.

Founded by Portuguese gambling addicts whose prison ship ran aground on its shores in the 16th century, Macau soon grew from a small, wooden-framed dive bar with a single backroom poker table to a sprawling, fully-landscaped gamer’s paradise designed to look like its own self-governed territory, complete with quaint flag, novelty souvenir passports, fanciful bilingual signage and a unique fusion cuisine centered on the all-you-can-eat lobster buffet.

Fifteen years ago, the resort conglomerate underwent a merger with the People’s Republic of China—a giant commercial enterprise with ties to suspected crime syndicate the Communist Party of China.

However, the resort has seen declining fortunes in recent years, and many of its formerly glittering fittings have begun to show their age, such as the tired-looking swagged velvet curtains at its borders, the moss-covered plastic liner around its harbor, and a creaky, unappealing social welfare system.

Leaked managerial memos from the office of the Chief Executive have revealed that the casino’s administration is looking to revitalize its fortunes by offering attractions beyond legalized gambling.

Plans include the appointment of Cher as Chief Executive, offering a free night’s stay for every five a resident spends in a deluxe suite, and changing Macau’s motto to “The Loosest Slots in Asia!”

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Faux Report

China Pulls All Copies of “The Interview” from Pirated DVD Stores

BEIJING — In response to multiple threats aimed at pirated DVD stores across the country, China has decided to pull all bootlegged copies of The Interview until further notice.

In a rambling manifesto, the cyberterrorists vowed to turn DVD stores into “palaces of death” and warned that “no one would be safe, not even in the VCD corner.”

Yesterday, store owners around Beijing were seen destroying leaked screeners of the action comedy, along with copies of Team America, just for good measure. Similar scenes have been reported in cities all over the country.

This morning, Ministry of Foreign Affairs spokesman Zhu Yuchen called a press conference to address concerns that the attacks were perpetrated by China’s supposed ally, North Korea.

“I can confirm that all pirated copies of this decadent film have been destroyed,” said Zhu. “So if North Korea is behind the attacks—and I’m not saying they are—they can rest assured that no one in China will ever see a single frame of this movie.”

Zhu told reporters that if the attacks continued, China was willing to destroy copies of other Seth Rogen and James Franco vehicles, such as This Is the End and Pineapple Express, as well.

“We mean our North Korean brothers no offense,” Zhu said. “But if we wanted to see Kim Jong-un dead, we’d kill him ourselves.”

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Faux Report

China Creates Ministry Dedicated to Reminding the World That Japan Is Bad

NANJING — To commemorate the 77th anniversary of the Nanjing Massacre, China’s State Council has established an entirely new ministry dedicated to reminding the world that Japan is bad.

Aptly named the Ministry of Japan Is Bad, the organ is responsible for constantly reminding the world about Japanese atrocities during World War II, releasing daily reports about whether Japan as apologized sufficiently for said atrocities, and tracking which Japanese politicians have visited or are planning to visit the Yasukuni Shrine.

“We must not forget the atrocities committed by the Japanese government any more than we should remember those committed by our own.”

“Too long has Japan suppressed the truth regarding its involvement in World War II,” said newly appointed Japan Is Bad Minister Wang Hongwen. “Since the Japanese will not, the task of vouchsafing the historical truth for future generations falls to us.”

Though the ministry was only established two days ago, it has hit the ground running.

According to a preliminary budget, the ministry intends to construct a Nanjing Massacre memorial in every country, encourage primary schools around the world to reenact the massacre on its anniversary, and ensure the availability of Japanese flags in China for burning, impromptu protests or other anti-Japanese activities.

In related news, the State Council established another ministry over the weekend dedicated to suppressing the knowledge of the Tiananmen Square protests.

When asked about the apparent hypocrisy, Wang said, “We must not forget the atrocities committed by the Japanese government any more than we should remember those committed by our own.”

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Faux Report

U.S. Tech Leaders Welcome Man Responsible for Blocking Their Sites

BEIJING — This week, photos surfaced which show American tech leaders rolling out the red carpet to welcome Lu Wei, the Chinese official responsible for blocking their sites, keeping their sites blocked and perhaps blocking them in the future.

At Facebook headquarters, CEO Mark Zuckerberg gave Lu a tour of his office and showcased all kinds of features that the latter would never allow his countrymen to use.

“It was so great to meet the man who will continue to keep Facebook blocked, despite my shameless pandering,” said Zuckerberg.

“It was so great to meet the man who will continue to keep Facebook blocked.”

Lu received a similarly warm welcome at Apple, where CEO Tim Cook demoed the new Apple Watch, which the Chairman of the State Internet Information Office had no intention of ever using.

“Though Apple has had a great partnership with China so far, [Lu] assured me that at some point in the future he planned to place arbitrary restrictions on our iTunes service, unilaterally and without warning,” said Cook. “What a great guy!”

For his part, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos lauded Lu’s “extraordinary vision” and had nothing but praise for “the man tasked with enacting the Chinese government’s protectionist policies to restrict the spread of foreign competitors like Amazon in order to promote domestic firms.”

“I hope he visits us again,” Bezos added.

According to sources present, Lu very much enjoyed his trip to the West Coast and lamented he didn’t have time to stop by Twitter, Google, LinkedIn, or any of the other hundreds of sites he planned to keep blocked or was thinking of blocking.

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Faux Report

STUDY: U.S. Now More Racist Against Blacks than China

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to a new study by the NAACP, China is no longer the most racist country when it comes to discrimination against black people. Due to the high-profile cases of Mike Brown and Eric Garner, which sparked protests across the country, that distinction now belongs to the United States.

“This is great news for the Chinese nation,” said Vice Foreign Minister Xu Jing at a press conference on Friday. “We are no longer the most overtly racist people in the world. Not through any effort of our own, but thanks to the rising tide of police brutality in America.”

“Rest assured black people, the main target of our political and legal violence will always be the Chinese themselves.”

Though China has been recognized as the country most racist against blacks for decades, the latest study shows that while individual Chinese might harbor regressive views, the political and legal systems at large are mostly colorblind.

“Although Chinese people will often feel a black person’s hair or assume they sell drugs, very few pose a physical threat,” said East China Normal University professor Liu Yuanping. “Certainly no black person has been murdered by the police for selling untaxed cigarettes.”

China hopes that its recent downgrade in racism will encourage more African-Americans to travel to and work in China.

“We welcome our dark-skinned friends from the U.S.,” said Xu. “Come see for yourself that somehow we are not as racist as people from your own country.”

Xu vowed that his ministry would work with the Ministry of Public Security and local law enforcement bureaus to ensure the safety of any black travelers.

“Though China still is a very racist place,” he said, “Rest assured black people, the main target of our political and legal violence will always be the Chinese themselves.”

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Faux Report

Expat Decides Partly Overheard Chinese Conversation “Probably Racist”

BEIJING — While traveling on the Line 10 subway after finishing his tutoring work Monday evening, Beijing-based Jake Gryczynski spent approximately 35 seconds attempting to decipher a loud conversation between two middle-aged Chinese women before deciding that what they were saying was “probably racist.”

The 37-year-old Idaho native, who has yet to learn more than rudimentary Chinese despite working in China for 15 years, went so far as to remove one iPod earphone and tilt his head slightly in an attempt to better distinguish individual syllables from the stream of idiomatic Mandarin that, he concluded with complete confidence, was more than likely a scathing and expletive-ridden diatribe against him and the entire Western world.

“Sure, my Chinese is pretty basic, but I picked out the words, ‘America,’ and ‘not good,’” he said. “It doesn’t take Noam Chomsky to figure out they were laying into American and white European culture.”

“It doesn’t take Noam Chomsky to figure out they were laying into American and white European culture.”

“The thing about Chinese people,” Gryczynski continued, “is they think you don’t know exactly what they’re talking about. They think you’re just an ignorant schmo who will blithely sit there while they systematically undermine your culture and spit on your heritage.”

Gryczynski went on to explain that he “didn’t want to cause a scene,” so he merely glared at the two women and flipped them off while exiting the carriage, expressing satisfaction that “the looks on their faces told me they got the message.”

“They’re gonna think twice before deriding the noble tradition of Western democracy again, or calling me a pasty turd, as I’m certain they were doing on that occasion,” he said.

Chinese passengers on the same train, however, expressed puzzlement at Gryczynski’s behavior.

“I thought he had mental problems,” said commuter Wendy Tang, who was reportedly sitting opposite Gryczynski during his brief journey. “He kept clearing his throat loudly and eyed everyone in the carriage like we were going to kill him.”

“The worst thing was when he gave the finger to those two nice ladies who were worried that Americans couldn’t make a good living in China,” said Tang. “I guess they noticed that he hadn’t showered in a while.”

In related news, a two foreigners were assaulted in Sanlitun over the weekend when a Chinese clubgoer thought he made out the words “fuck” and “China” in a conversation between two expats.

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Faux Report

China, U.S. Agree to Focus on Environment Shortly Before It Collapses

BEIJING — In an unprecedented step toward curbing climate change, Presidents Xi Jinping and Barack Obama agreed last week to focus on the environment shortly before it collapses entirely.

As part of the agreement, the U.S. aims to cut greenhouse gas emissions by 26-28% of 2005 levels by the year 2025, when carbon in the atmosphere is expected to reach 450 parts per million, well past the point of no return for preventing a runaway greenhouse effect on Earth.

“Now is the time to promise to do something later,” President Obama told reporters. “If we don’t promise to do something later now, when we do promise to do something later later, it will definitely be too late.”

For its part, China has pledged to cap its growing carbon emissions by 2030, when rising sea levels due to melting polar ice is expected to fully submerge Kiribati and the Seychelles.

“We will not be able to save the Maldives or Tuvalu, but there might still be hope for Micronesia.”

“As the world’s largest emitter of greenhouse gas, we have a duty to the planet,” said President Xi, before leaving for a ribbon-cutting ceremony at a new coal-fired power plant.

“We might not be able to save the Maldives or Tuvalu,” he added. “But there is still hope for Micronesia.”

Though neither leader will be in power when the deadlines arrive, both Xi and Obama emphasized the need for an informal, non-binding agreement.

“Both Xi and I are committed to giving saving the planet the old college try,” Obama said. “But, who knows, it might not work out.”

Leaders of low-lying and island countries around the world praised the bilateral agreement, and hoped their citizens would survive long enough to see it make a difference.

“If we are not completely underwater in 15 years and survive the extreme weather and flooding wrought by climate change, we will have China and the U.S. to thank,” said Palau’s President Tommy Remengesau.

At press time, in response to Xi and Obama’s historic agreement, the governments of China and America were passing legislation to ensure their respective countries never reach the proposed goals.

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Leaders of China, Japan, Philippines and Vietnam to Settle Island Disputes with Fight to the Death

BEIJING — Hailed as one of the biggest success stories to come out of APEC, the heads-of-state of China, Japan, the Philippines and Vietnam agreed on Tuesday to settle their territory disputes in the South China Sea with a classic, no-holds-barred fight to the death.

“We exhausted all other options,” said Philippine President Beningo Aquino III. “It’s the only way.”

In a rare interview with state media, Chinese President Xi Jinping revealed that the decisive battle will be a free-for-all held in Olympic Forest Park where “the only rule is there are no rules.”

“This brawl will be a turning point in global diplomacy.”

According to Xi, the park will be walled off and transformed into a Hunger Games-style battleground, complete with weapon caches and hidden traps.

“We will have to rely on our wits to survive,” said Vietnam’s President Truong Tan Sang.

Speaking at a press conference, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe said the respective heads-of-state have settled on a winner-take-all system, with the lone survivor’s country staking claim to all disputed islands in the South China Sea, including the Senkaku/Diaoyu, Paracel and Spratly Islands.

“This brawl will be a turning point in global diplomacy,” Abe said. “And I do not intend to lose.”

The leaders will have one week to train and prepare before the showdown on November 18.

At press time, Xi was studying a topographical map of Olympic Forest Park and trying to get an advance copy of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire.

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Faux Report

Beijing Euthanizes Poor People Ahead of APEC

BEIJING — To ensure world leaders see a clean and beautiful city, the Beijing government has euthanized millions of the city’s poor ahead of the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation summit, which begins today.

“We need to put our best foot forward when it comes to APEC,” said Beijing deputy mayor Li Jun. “It’s nothing personal.”

Last week, the city issued a statement warning poor people to stay out of the capital during the six-day meeting.

“Any impoverished citizen seen within Fifth Ring Road will be euthanized, in accordance with the law.”

“To protect the image of the Chinese people and ensure a harmonious summit,” the statement read, “any impoverished citizen seen within Fifth Ring Road from November 7-12 will be detained and euthanized, in accordance with the law.”

Though the draconian measure has attracted criticism from human rights organizations, this isn’t the first time a Chinese municipality has taken strict measures to ensure the success of a high-profile event.

Before the World Expo in 2010, the Shanghai government packed the city’s migrant workers into buses and drove them off a cliff.

Though it’s too early to tell whether Beijing’s euthanization program will improve the city’s image as a world-class metropolis, Russian President Vladimir Putin allegedly said that the city was “remarkably free of riff-raff” on his way in from the airport.

At press time, the APEC meetings were proceeding smoothly, though, due to the ban on poor people, there was no one left to pour tea, empty trash, open doors or pamper guests.

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