Tag Archives: God

Faux Report

Prayer Group Now Taking Requests For People Who Deserve To Die

prayer

BOISE, Idaho –

A prayer group in Boise, Idaho has put out a request on social media saying that they will accept “prayer requests” for people who should be wished dead, or otherwise injured – converse to all other prayer groups, who expect to receive positive prayers and wishes.

“The thing of it is, God is kind of a major dick,” said prayer group leader Marsha Gray. “I mean, hasn’t anyone ever read the bible at all? He’s more likely to cause bad shit than good, and so we want to hit up that demographic who doesn’t need anything ‘good’ to happen, and would much rather see someone suffer.”

Gray says that the prayer group meets three times a week, and that they will pray for the death or injury of up to ten people per prayer session.

“We’ve wished death, dismemberment, AIDS, cancer, and all matter of maiming on people,” said Gray. “So far, several people have reported back that their enemies have been hit by a bus or killed in other car accidents. One woman says her mother-in-law was even struck by lightning. That is really the power of the Lord!”

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Faux Report

Act of God? Man Dies While Masturbating After Lightning Strikes His Bed

lightning

DALLAS, Texas – 

Saturday night ended in a tragedy for 23 year old Alan Escamilla. According to reports Alan Escamilla was struck by lightning while he was masturbating in his bedroom.

According to Dallas MD, Alan Escamilla was masturbating in his bedroom, before a massive bolt of lightning struck him.When police and ambulance arrived on the scene, they found Alan Escamilla, which “looked like burnt coal,” according to Officer Bryan Granados.

Police found Escamilla in a “masturbating position,” with his hand wrapped tightly around his penis. Alan Escamilla Sr. said his sons body was “rock hard, but he was breathing heavily and very much alive.”

“If there was one thing about Alan, it’s that he masturbated all the time. Once he spent four hours in the restroom just masturbating. I had to force him out of my apartment,” says long time friend, Alex Godoy.

Alan Escamilla is expected to fully recover according to Baylor Hospital, although his penis will no longer be useable.

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Faux Report

Bill Murray Condemned By Religious-Right After Publicly Denouncing God

murray

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Across America, the anti-Bill Murray campaign can be heard in sermons and seen on signs outside of churches. Various Christian groups have said they will not be supporting Murray in the 2016 Presidential Election, which Murray entered last week, and they urge others to follow.

Murray has been clear with reporters on his religious views. “Religion is the worst enemy of mankind. People can believe whatever they choose to believe, but it does not belong in politics. It imprisons your mind. Religion creates hate, racism, bigotry and keeps you from your true potential in life. No single war in the history of humanity has killed as many people as religion has.”

Murray says he expected not to be backed by religious groups. “I imagine I probably won’t be too popular with the Christian vote in this country, but I’m fine with that.”

Still Murray has a small but vocal following who says he does not need the support of the religious right in the election. Paul Horner, a spokesman for the campaign says,“He’s a living legend and is exactly what America needs right now.”

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Letters

Fab Sandwich: Homosexuality Hits Crit Mass

Fab Sandwich: Homosexuality Hits Crit Mass

SCOTUS redefined marriage as an indication of homosexuality hitting the critical mass stage. It is now a fad. “Coming out of the closet” is no longer “brave” and has lost all of its counter-culture flair. Now, it’s the way to “be like everyone else”. The “fashionable homosexual” will never seem more attractive than he does now… never before, never after. Once something becomes too popular, it loses steam.

The number of open homosexuals will increase. That part won’t fade. But the flair, the pizzazz, the rapture and excitement of scandal—these will be lost for those who jumped in the game too late. Some of it will continue to go up, for a while. The momentum is still there, but the steam is gone.

Soon, closet homosexuals, formerly “fat slob phobes”, will join the movement. Then, once homosexuality is the new normal, the fat slobs will take over that as well. Understanding this requires an understanding of history: Men weren’t fat slobs because they were straight; they were fat slobs because that was the lazy thing to do.

Once the party is over, the new fashion will be eligible “metro” bachelors—these are straight men who have the fashion and cultural brilliance of the “Fab Five” image, and who don’t bash homosexuals. That will be the trend in the coming years. It hasn’t started yet, of course. But when it starts, it will last a long time because it will never hit critical mass. Staying in shape and having children is nearly impossible, too impossible for the masses to ever accept. That’s why many are called and few are chosen.

None of that is opinion, it’s an attempt at a prediction. As for my opinion…

I don’t hate homosexuals. I put myself in the metro category. I am rather disgusted with the in-yer-face, lazy fat-old-fathers the Boomers gave us. They were always disgusting, even in their 20’s. They didn’t listen to their parents and they didn’t listen to their children—and they certainly don’t listen to their wives. The homosexual fashion movement is giving those failed fathers a run for their money.

Would I love it if fathers changed and started to listen for the first time? Yeah. I’d also love it if China would focus on cleaning up their own country before annexing others. I’d love it if Russia would stop acting like a fool just because it’s angry that Obama can’t make other countries like him. And I’d love it if Churchianity would drop dead and resurrect Jesus. I’d love a lot of things. But, I don’t intend to intervene. I’m grabbing my popcorn because I know how this story ends: the metros on top, the phobes on bottom, and the fabs in the middle.

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